2 somethings funny.

One is from when I was in the hospital and one is from the walk that I took with the dog. Neither are very funny, I suppose.

My stay at the hospital was eventful, to say the least. There were some really super nice nurses and various staff...and there were some not so really super nice nurses...that is to be expected, I suppose. Regardless, on Thursday, the day after the surgery, I am greeted by a large African American man, who is a nurses aid. I am sure he gets a lot of requests for a different nurse, simply because he was so big and so dark. I have had two kids and frankly don't care who sees my girly parts. If this guy could get my ass out of bed, then have at it! I will not go into any more detail, but at some point, I realized that I had this very same guy as my nurses aid when I was in the hospital 2 years ago. So, making conversation, I said as much to him. It went a little like this...(picture a lead balloon...)
Me: Hey, how long have you worked on this floor?
Him: Me? Oh a few years, why?
Me: I was here about 2 years ago, and I think you helped me then.
Him: Hmmm...could be, you remember that long ago?
Me: I have a pretty good memory...
**What I wanted to say was...a white girl like me can count on ONE finger the number of big black guys who have seen her naked. You tend to not forget these things. I giggled to myself the rest of the day.

Funny (less than funny) #2.
Dog. Walk. Me.
We haven't been on a walk together in at least 2 weeks. This was a quick trip around the block. NO!? I swear he peed on EVERY tree from our house all the way around the block. There isn't a tree we didn't mark. Take that bitches. We are back.
Of course, he is sleeping now. That walk was a bitch.

My stitches...

itches...

and my eyebrows need a fuckin pluckin.

How did I go to hell in a hand basket so fast? I have caterpillars on my face, my skin is a mess...not acne, but just not normal. My hair needs cut...oh, and yesterday, I may have burned it on the stove when I was making tea. I don't know. Don't ask.

The good things are, that I am showered and ready to leave the house and it is only 10:30am! Little and I are making brownies when he comes home from school, so I have to go to the store and get the brownie stuff. I am enjoying hanging out with the kids when they get home. Last night, Little came and got into bed with me, snuggled down and watched tv. I will miss this when I go back to school.

Well...off to the store. Maybe a Starbucks, if I have $ in my purse. I don't really know if I do or not!?!

Raindrops on roses...

Tori...and I know, I have to fix the link...shut up, I had my colon removed for cryin out loud...had a post about her favorite things...and I LOVE all things Tori...(SuperSunshine on a stick...if you don't know her!) So...I thought I would take a minute to do some of my favorite things...

In no particular order...with no particular punctuation (which annoys Tori...but SmoochKiss anyway!):

*Snuggles...unexpected snuggles from the Little one...accompanied by confessions of his love and the fear that he had while I was in the hospital. He has been extra "squishy" these days. I'll take a sore belly any day, if it comes with extra "squishy."
*DKNY jeans...I can't tell you why...but my ass looks INCREDIBLE in those bad boys! And? $30 at Macy's. Well. $30 the last time I was AT Macy's, which has been a while...more DKNY love, Red delicious...is my favorite perfume!
*Champion yoga pants from Target. Simply the most comfortable pair of pants ever. I have them in gray only, because if I bought them in black, I know for a fact I would try to pass them off as work appropriate! If you don't own them, buy them!
*Waking up in the middle of the night...KNOWING that it has snowed, before you throw back the curtain to confirm. There is something so still about a fresh snow...figure out how to bottle it and there wouldn't be nearly as much stress.
*Friends that you haven't talked to in months...who hear about your recent adventure and call you. And send flowers. And make you laugh so hard that you have to threaten to hang up because your belly hurts. Everyone should have a friend like that. A friend whose couch you could lay on and laugh with. A friend who knows all about your past...and shares most of it with you!
*Friends that you don't talk to very often, but who text you when they hear of your recent adventure. A random text from a friend can be more healing than anything else. A hug from your phone, if you will!
*Dogs who snore louder than you. I am listening to the Gizz snoring right now...and he was at my inlaws the last week and a half, so to have him here, snoring away...makes me happy!
*Coffee. Skinny Vanilla Latte's make things better.
*My Grandmother. I talked to her today and her 87year old ass told me that if I don't get better by the time she gets home she is going to get me. I am a little bit afraid! She is in Fla with my favorite Aunt and Uncle...and seems to be having a blast! There was a smile in her voice as she told me about what she has been doing the last 2 weeks. I pray that when I am 87, I will be living my life that same exact way. She told me that she prays for me every day (good thing, eh?) and I am pretty sure God is a little bit afraid of her, too! She has given me advice over the years. Much has gone in one ear and out the other...but a few things have stuck around...one thing she told me was that "living well is the best revenge..." Amen Gram! Amen!
*My Kate Spade handbag. It was the best birthday present I could ever have given myself!!
*My friend Cheryl, who knows when to hold em...knows when to fold em...I love to be ghetto with her...If I have to be ghetto...I'll be glad to do it with her!
*My 800 thread count sheets. Shut up. They were way on sale. They are the single most comfortable thing EVER! The thread count makes the difference.
*The movie "That Touch of Mink" with Doris Day. Really...any Doris Day movie is alright with me...I don't think of myself so much as Doris, but I love her movies! And...Carey Grant...momma mia! Fire up the time machine...I want to go back to when men were just like him...mmmmm...
*Another favorite movie...The Shawshank Redemption. Sheer determination. Nothing more.
*All things Benefit...I used to be much more of a "bene-babe" but at $3something a gallon for gas, we have to make choices!
*My neighbors...the sweetest family! 3 girls and a boy under the age of 5 and she still has my son in to play. She came over last night to check my situation...and was just the absolute sweetest woman I know!

That should be all for now...I am sure there are more, but I need to lie down!!

Nothing a little lipstick can't fix

LORD! I am on the verge of crazy! I had not left the house since the 16th...aside from that stint at work...and then the ride home from the hospital on the 21st...so you can imagine...CRAZY! I am up to here with daytime tv, except for Ellen...LOVE ELLEN...she is some funny shit...otherwise...daytime tv sucks! In case you didn't know...Patch and Kayla are back on Days of Our Lives. I probably haven't watched DOOL since sophomore year in college? However, the characters? All the same.
Anyway...yesterday, when Merv Griffin's Crossword show came on, I thought that was going to be it for me...and frankly, if I could have, I would have put on my shoes and headed for the bridge.

Today...I SWORE was going to be different! I got up this morning...took a shower, used my best hair gunk...I was going to leave the house, belly pain be damned! And, I was going to look good doing it! I mean, if I passed out, at least I would look good, right? I even put on jeans...which I am happy/sad to report are now too big. I have faith that I will be able to grow back into them!! This colon thing can't last too long, right?

The plan was to go to the Hallmark store for webkinz (both Big and Little got good report cards...) and then the grocery store, and then Burger King. The revised plan went to the Hallmark store and Wendy's...then home to the couch! But I got out! Of the HOUSE! YAY! Let's see what tomorrow brings!

Where is my bellybutton?

Ok...so the brief overview of where I have been and what I was doing...
I am a special agent and have been on assignment.
Or, I have been in the hospital after having emergency surgery to remove my appendix (so sad...we have been together forever.) and also some of my colon.
Now, we all know that one sounds much better than the other, and given my history, it is the hospital one. Yes. I have been in the hospital for 6 days. I have been in a lot of pain. A LOT. I have been taking pain killers to try and make that pain go away. Today is the first day I have felt even remotely well enough to be out of bed. My whole life is a crazy mess right now...but that is for another day...the big question at hand is...Where did my belly button go? There is a bandage over it. I am changing the bandage later today and will check...but can they TAKE belly buttons? Mine was a weird subject for me. It was a love/hate relationship. I will certainly miss it. Just like my boy, appendix. When I DROVE MY SELF TO THE HOSPITAL...I never dreamed that I would be missing 2 very important pieces of anatomy. Yeah. The colon is important too, and no, I don't have a colostomy bag...boy, would we have bigger issues if I did, huh?
I took a perc about an hour ago...and am getting drowsy...but have many things to talk about. My roommate. The lady across the hall who apparently thought that GOD is at the end of the call bell. The lady that works for "Room service" which is apparently this hospitals take on the cafeteria. (FYI, room service? Is for places like that Waldorf or something...NOT hospital cafeteria food.)
The mean nurse. KARMA is a bitch, lady...and I am a bigger bitch...we're both coming after you!!

Much more...but I need to lay down!!
XO...

Busted at the Costco

At work we have a pretzel container...full of pretzels ( I know, right?) We seem to take turns buying the pretzels...I say seem to, because frankly, I just thought that the pretzel fairy brought them when I was sleeping. I was mistaken. So, yesterday...after having to stick my hand way too far into the barrel, I decided to buy the next round. The dilemma is that the pretzels come from Costco. You need to "belong" to Costco. I don't "belong" anywhere. This normally isn't a problem, many friends and co workers belong...and I just go along with them when I need something. Yesterday, no one was up for a random Costco trip. I ended up borrowing my cousin Aimee's card. Aimee and I don't look alike. Who knew that would be a big deal! So...I go...browse the aisles of Costco...wishing I had a disposable income large enough to afford the $1500 leather 3 piece recliner...and plucking the pretzels from the shelf. I have 2 large pretzel barrels, one under each arm...and I am off to check out. I am nervous, what with the illegal card and all. But she rings it up and things are almost done...I even make small talk with the lady working with her. Pretzels are paid for...I am so close to being done...and then the cashier turns the card over. BUSTED. She looks at the picture. She looks at me. Picture. Me. Now, to be fair, my cousin doesn't even look like this picture any more, but I look NOTHING like it. Her? Curly hair. Me? Not so much. The cashier, what a nice lady she was, says "Is this your card?" Well. We both know it isn't. But really, all that I needed to say was "yes" and I could have been home free. But what ensues is really, the height of my retardedness.
Her: "Is this your card?"
Me: hangs head "no"
Her: Looks to other lady, as if to say "WTF? Couldn't she lie, so we can let her go? What an asshole."
Me: "I mean, YES! YES! That is my card."
Other lady: "The card is non-transferable." hands me the card.

What a dumb ass I am. And, when did I become so honest? It pains me to think that there might be more of this in the future.

Something more fun...

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Originally uploaded by sweetpeas123

I read Cheaper than Therapy...Shout out to Ali!! And she talks about this site...Workitmom.com and I have been checking it out...and decided to give it a whirl. One thing they do over there at Work it...is post pics of what they are wearing today...and frankly, I cannot get enough of myself...and figure, why keep me to myself...why not share? So...go over to work it (if I were smart, I am not, I would link that site, as well as Cheaper than Therapy's site as well.)
and check things out.

True Dat

I have just realized something about myself...as I was bitching to a friend about how my day started out so suckily...and how it continues to go steadily down hill...yes. You see. I woke up a little late this morning...no biggie...but that puts everything else behind...which sometimes puts my morning trip to Starbucks in jeopardy...and we can't have that! So...I get to Starbucks...no big deal...I am leaving...and this woman comes flying around the corner in her Audi. Hello? PEDESTRIAN...But she doesn't seem fazed by the fact that I am attempting to cross. Bitch. So...I get in my car...and am leaving...and isn't that bitch attempting to CROSS? Ah Karma! Sometimes you are so quick. And basically, I shifted into 2nd...gave her a look that said "Just try it bitch..." and rolled right on by. Yes. I AM 8. I know. Work brings a 9am meeting that I am so unprepared for...with my boss...then, after realizing that I was hungry...I went to mooch pretzels from JB...and my friend said "OOH...the slit in your skirt is ripped." Yeah! I was going for TRAMP today, so clearly, I was successful! Then...upon further inspection, I realized that I put on OLD stockings...ones with a run in the upper thigh...that you can see EVERY TIME I TAKE A STEP. So...CHEAP AND TRAMPY? Your table is ready.
So...what I realized is...that I think if I had a job and the only requirement for this job was to soak in the sun ALL DAY LONG. I would find something to bitch about. Yep. Cause that is how I roll.

Who Rocks the HAT?

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Originally uploaded by sweetpeas123

Can I pull this off? I messed with the coloring of the picture, but I really like the hat...I bought it on sale at Target, so if it really looks bad, tell me. I am only out $4.88. My family made fun of it.

who didn't shower?

Can't get you out of my head...

"Baby you can drive my car....yes I'm gonna be a star..." I do have to admit. I didn't know the EXACT lyrics...but I can't stop singing that song. I have no idea where it came from...but GAH! LEAVE ALREADY!

That is all.

OH MAH GAW!

So...I stole this little quiz over at the Ninjapoodles...and...frankly, I can't get my head around it. It doesn't seem right to me...I can see Obama...but WOW! Anyway...here are my results...

86% Hillary Clinton
84% John Edwards
84% Barack Obama
78% Joe Biden
78% Chris Dodd
71% Bill Richardson
61% Mike Gravel
58% Dennis Kucinich
50% Rudy Giuliani
46% John McCain
41% Tom Tancredo
40% Mitt Romney
36% Mike Huckabee
24% Fred Thompson
10% Ron Paul

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz">

the breakup

So. Remember how I talked about my boyfriend, Gym? And how nice he was about wanting me back? And how we were getting back together...and he promised me that it would be ok? Well. That lying bastard! I went to his place today after work. I was looking so cute. I was having the best hair day, EVAH. My fancy Kate Spade bag and my pearls. Lord was I adorable. So...I get to his place and his friend John was there. John is real nice. He is the one who really wanted Gym and I to get back together. He practically facilitated the whole thing! So. Gym and I start...we get a little warm up going. It was like we hadn't been apart. God how I missed him. Then...things started to heat up. He was making my legs shake. Yes, Gym, I missed you...but go easy on a girl...I was sweating. (It was at this point, I noticed in the mirror that I was still wearing my pearls.) This getting back together was harder than I thought.
When it was over, and we were on the floor, for the cool down, I realized that I didn't miss Gym all that much after all.
On the way out of his place, I had to stop at the store. I hate the grocery store by his place...but I had to go there. I nearly cried with every step. I must have looked pretty pathetic in line, because the little old man in front of me moved his order up, so I could put mine down. I think he heard me whimpering in the produce aisle.
God, Gym. Tomorrow I will be using the handicap stall in the bathroom because of you. I sometimes wish you would hold me when it is over.

Went to the movie alone...

Saturday night...I was not in the mood to watch the Steeler game...I was not in the mood to sit and knit...I wanted to see PS I love you. I read the book about 800 times...and really, really wanted to see the movie. I knew I couldn't get my husband to go with, and frankly, I didn't want to see it with him. If I had to pick one friend in the world to see it with, I would have picked Tracy, but since she lives 5 hours from here, that was out of the question...so I went to see it alone. I am not weird about being alone. I have eaten in restaurants alone. Stayed at hotels alone. So, it was cool. Anyway...The movie was amazing. I loved Hilary Swank. And? Gerard Butler? HELLLOOO...come to momma!
I am glad that I went alone. It is an "alone" kinda movie. Although...I had to stop myself from searching for a message from Kathy Bates.

fun with republicans

My husband is very Republican. Cried when Reagan died. Loves the first Bush. You know...that kind. Know in advance, that I am not looking for anyone to tell me their political views, because frankly, I don't care. I am merely telling you this story for amusement....if it gets you in a tizzy, DO NOT ask about the time I sold my vote for $600. It is a good one...but you know.
Anyway...so...we have Republican husband watching Fox News. I swear he sees those Fox women naked when he watches, because that HAS to be the only reason he watches so much! He yells out to me..."So. Who do you like in the election?" After pretending a few times that I was unaware there was an election at hand (yeah. I am SOO FUNNY) I walk into the living room. I look at him and say "I really like Hilary. I like what she stands for, I think a woman SHOULD be president. Plus. Her husband is hot." OOOH! If you could have seen his face! I know he didn't believe me...but I do think that he had some doubts! Mentioning the "C" word in our house (Clinton...please...) is never a good thing. But. Seriously...He had to ask me again, if I was kidding!! HEE HEE. I love to mess with the Republicans. And he is such an easy target.
My real answer completely depends on who gets the actual nod from each party. I really thought that I liked Fred Thompson...admittedly, I think he is awesome on tv...I can't get on board with the Huckabee express. So, we'll see. Options seem limited...and it sucks to have to vote for the lesser of the two evils.

I think I will go and remind my husband that I voted for Clinton, TWICE! That always gets his blood pressure up!! HEE HEE.

Spam email and the penis.

Oh boy. So. lately, I have been cleaning out my email. Especially at work...because frankly, it gets clogged way too easily. Basically, cleaning the email goes like this...is the email more than a month old? Delete. Well...the good folks at gmail make it quite easy for one to never clean out their email/gmail. And. they also have a lovely spam filter. Much crap gets filed into the spam folder. I never look in there. Because it is spam. Not the meat.
Well. I looked in there.
Apparently, the word on the street is that I have a very small penis. And that I am worried about this small penis. And that I want some help with my very small penis. Every single email in that spam folder was regarding my small penis. It seems that there are some heavy duty products out there for those with a small penis. (5 small penis mentions thus far.) I don't know about you, but I don't think that I would be putting too much stock in the fact that all it takes for a bigger penis is a few clicks of the mouse. (there is a joke there...somewhere...I just can't find it.) I think my favorite subject line is the one that promises "Your huge boner will impress her in the new year." Because everyone knows that a chick with a huge boner is impressive, right? I get that these ads are geared more toward those with the penis, and not so much me...but I am fearful for the men out there looking to the internet for help with their small penis problem.
How does ones name get on the small penis email distribution list? More importantly, how does it get removed? Does someone who may be in possession of a smaller-ish penis recognize this? Does he know it is small...or is that the only one he has ever seen...thus having nothing to compare it to? I mean, I don't go checking out other woman's vajajays...for reference. Is one offended by the email?
Is the small penis market flooded with opportunity? or is it a small market? hehehe. Regardless. If you are looking for information, for a friend, of course, I have all kinda email about the small penis...and may your huge boner impress her in the new year...(that should be on a greeting card.)

day 3-izzle

My name is Little...and I am a trouble maker!

I'm the boss over here...and no one forget it!

So much alike, it isn't funny...

Superman

me too!

we're all playing

365 day 2

Hi! And...right out of the gate you get a jammy pic! The top of the head pony tail is just an added bonus! I made sure it was extra fluffy...just for you!

Ode to Magalicious!

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Originally uploaded by sweetpeas123

I doubt that I could love this picture more! These two have been friends since the day she came home from the hospital! Our sweet Magalicious! Magadoodle...the Magster...I still remember, like it was yesterday, it was summertime...the kids had been playing all day...and it was just getting dark. Baths were starting...Big was upstairs taking a bath...Mags was at her house taking a bath...the Dads were in charge of bathing...the next thing you know...the front door opens, Mags comes running out...BARE NAKED...down the steps and down the sidewalk, and straight into our house...up the steps, and into the bath with Big! It was the funniest thing we had ever seen!
I have many more memories...I have enjoyed painting your toes...and giggling with you...and playing dress up.
You moved away at a time when I couldn't miss you...But I do! I miss my girl. We have always said that you and Big would marry. I am afraid it probably won't happen...but I can dream!

uhm doin it...

I am going to attempt to do the 365 thing that all the cool kids talk about! I got the email from the people that think these things up...and it sounded like fun. I am also debating right now if I should start a new blog just for that...I am only thinking this way because Big wants in on the fun. You see, at my moms this weekend, she gave me a baby picture of Big, when he was 6 months old. The picture made me cry. Which made him cry. Which reminded him of the post I did for him for his birthday and how he bothered me for weeks after to "write another story about me." He wasn't buying my "But baby, your life story is still being written." Nope. He wanted me to write memories down. So. We talked about the "Picture a day for a year" thing and then I got the idea to do the blog a day for a year, as well. I think it could be fun. Or not. I mean, not much goes on in these parts. We'll have to see how it pans out! If I decide to go with the separate blog...I'll let you both know!
I am going to download pics from last night...and I might even make a resolution. Be sure that it will revolve around vitamins and exercise and not being nicer to others. We need attainable here, people!