the sky is falling...and other random thoughts.

slipping and falling...

2010-07-10T16:23:00.004-04:00

I re-read a post a few down from here...where I ended with a date the next day. The guy turned out to be amazing. Amazing in so many ways. We dated only a short time...sadly, I admit. He had a smile that lit up a room. He had the cutest dimple. The kindest eyes. An adorable daughter. Many things to love. Which is what happened. And then it didn't go so well. I tried my best not not to fall. I held on to all that I could. But I kept slipping. He made it easy to slip. And then, when I fell...I really skinned my knees. I don't know for sure that he didn't feel the same. I only felt like he didn't. And that caused me to panic. I felt more uncomfortable than I wanted to. Past situations reared their ugly head...and I projected this on to our current situation...which isn't a situation any longer. I had issues with some of our differences...and I didn't think that these differences, coupled with my insecurities, could be dealt with. So. I ended things. Because I didn't want to get hurt. I didn't want to feel the pain of rejection, that I am so sure would have followed. I didn't want to snuggle with his sweet daughter for another second, lest I become anymore attached than I already was. As quickly as my walls came down, they went right back up.
I wish I could say I am sorry. I wish that I could talk to him and let him know...Maybe I will, but probably I won't.

Peace and Chicken Grease...

2010-07-09T19:13:00.002-04:00

I keep kicking around this blog...I want to do it. I want to be able to keep up with it on a more regular basis. I know I have things to say. Shit, the things that I think in an 8 hour shift at my current part time job, would keep me busy for weeks! But I just lack the discipline. I can't make myself sit and type. I am not in love with my computer. It is a dinosaur, in that it isn't a laptop. I am even less in love with the space it is in. Mostly because Big ends up sitting here, surfing wikipedia or facebook, and spilling his sticky pop or candy all over. So, since I already have 50 other things that need cleaned, I lose interest in a distraction from cleaning, that causes me to clean. See what I mean.
But this is really just an excuse. I need an outlet. I need to vent and get it off my chest. Whatever "it" is.
I guess I will start slow...how about I tell you the story of the missing 12 year old and the ass slappin I got from the public restroom door? Oh? You've heard that one! See. Yet another reason not to keep this blog up. You've heard all my stories!

I want to do it. I think I can do it. I am going to do it!
Look for more tomorrow...which is funny, because really? No one even knows I blog! So yay!

update

2010-05-10T12:19:00.003-04:00

Yes...I am sure everyone has heard...but Big placed 2nd in his age catagory for World Events. He tied with another boy from a neighboring district. Their team also placed second. It was awesome. And my heart almost burst when we found out the news. Just this past weekend, we received word that he was accepted into all 4 honors classes next year at the junior high! And he will take the 8th grade advanced reading course...leaving who knows what for reading in 8th grade!
I am so happy for him.
I am blessed with two very wonderful boys. Both different in their own way. Both adorable, funny, smart, cute, quirky, and sweet!
I had a great day on Sunday...dinner with my parents, the boys, and Gram...I can't get enough days like that!
I know I am very lucky!

but baby think of me once in awhile!

2010-04-25T15:45:00.002-04:00

Ok...so I am not actually on the air at WKRP, but I am in Cincinnati! I am, for the most part, parked in the lobby of a huge hotel filled with kids far smarter than I ever could be. I am at the Academic Games tournament with the boys. Big competes. Little and I are just riding the coat tails!
I am sure this will sound so typical...but wow! Am I proud of my boy!? He is the only kid from his school to attend. He knew no one when we got here. None of us knew what to expect. And yet, we find ourselves on the edge of our seats. He is currently in 2nd place out of like 300 kids. He could win a medal. He could bring home quite an honor for a school that gets a bad wrap from out district. There really isn't any pressure to do well. He is already the first kid in 13 years to attend from our district. So, already he is a winner. He has made friends and has studied with strangers.

oh the horror

2010-04-21T10:55:00.004-04:00

So...along with blogging...and looking for a job...and turning 40...I am giving dating a whirl. Again. And like the silly rabbit that I am, I am going right back to the online dating sites. The free ones. Of course. No job? No funds to pay for the 60/month dating habit!
I don't want this to turn into a date/bash blog. But, I have to say...the depth of the dating pool isn't very deep! I posted a profile. I put pictures on it. Of me. Of me recently. I've got some response. I had one guy, who wasn't all that attractive, but seemed nice, ask for my number so we could text. He text me and asked me for a picture. I have 7 on my profile. Not enough? Well...I only had a silly pic of me and Little on my phone. So I sent that. I didn't hear from him. Then I hear from him this morning. He asks for another picture. This time without the hat and glasses. Are you kidding me? Why not just ask my cup size and if I swallow for goodness sake. I can assure you that I will not be dating that guy. And? His loss.
Dating is a challenge, for sure!
Online dating is even harder. I get that there are people who post pictures of themselves from the third grade. Or pictures taken from space. And that is a shame...because really? Dating? Often involves seeing the person LIVE AND IN THE FLESH! So. If that isn't you? You're going to be found out! Who hasn't put on a few lbs? Who cares! I still believe that if you are a nice person. A good person. It doesn't matter what you look like. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE a good smelling man who looks nice and takes care of himself. But? If you are an asshole? There is NO amount of cologne that can cover up that stink.
But I digress...

I have a date to meet a guy for lunch tomorrow. He is very tall. And very redheaded. He also comes off really nice. We talked for an hour last night. Even if it doesn't turn out to be a love connection? I know that I will have lunch with a good guy!
Wish me luck!!

a fresh start...or...the magic 8 ball

2010-04-19T10:18:00.002-04:00

Today I woke up at 5:45 FREEZING...that is where the first mistake occurred. I dug out a nice, soft, warm blanket and wrapped up in it. 2 1/2 hours later I was trying to drag myself out of bed. Oh. I don't have a job...but I do have to get two kids off to school by 9 at the very latest!
With the boys in various stages of ready, I drove them to school. This morning, I was able to teach them that if you throw shoes at one another, you should make sure you know where they land, because in the morning, when your mom gets you up way late and yells for 15 minutes, if you can't find your shoes...you're going to be in trouble. Who throws shoes at one another? Turns out. My kids. Little almost had to go to school in boots. Which, while I don't care, bothered him.
So. With the boys safely in the care of the public school, I set out to find a job. Or at least a direction to go in. I wish I cared a little more...but I really don't. I have a pretty good gig right now! The only one who has it better is the dog...and that fucker shits on the floor.
So...I find a career test. Yes! I am already ahead of the game! 24 questions and I will have the answer to the question that has been burning a hole in my head. 12 questions into it and the coffee kicks in. Poop break. No good. That will skew the results for sure...I mean, I have A.D.D. like the rest of America. If I get up? I will never know what could have been. If I don't get up? I will shit on the floor.
The options seemed clear cut. You'll be pleased to know that I did not shit on the floor.
I finish the test. The results...are as confusing as 6th grade math. Are you kidding me? I am a color? I am blue? How in the fuck is that helpful? Can you get paid for being blue? Those blue men aside, I don't think so.
So...I google "I don't know what to do with my life." This? I don't recommend. If you are in the state that you are googling that, you probably will not be comforted by the fact that you are in the company of a Chinese man, a 25 year old, and a bipolar individual. Now...I am not saying there is anything wrong with any of those situations. They are just not like mine. I am not Chinese, nor a man, I am pushing 40, while I might be a little loopy, I have not been diagnosed bipolar.
Basically, googling that search was the equivalent of shaking the magic 8 ball and asking it what I should do. I am no further ahead.
So. Then I go to the state unemployment site. I have a college degree. I am fairly intelligent. But I can't for the life of me figure out what is up. Will my benefits be extended? Should I really roll those dice? I mean, sure, I love having no responsibility. But, I also love having a car that runs and food on the table. Oh. And a roof over that table! I just don't know!
If I could write a resume that looks just like me it would say: quirky, sarcastic, adorable woman seeks high paying, low responsibility job. Hours available 10-2. Weekends not optional.
I am fairly certain prostitute is about all I qualify for.

A little back story

2009-07-19T10:58:00.003-04:00

As I read the last post, I realized that I sound shallow and borderline retarded. I am neither. When I make mention of the naked and the car rules, I only do so in jest. They are a convo that I have with a friend...who knows that I am only half way kidding.
The "ghetto ass" car comment sounded bad. Really? I would dismiss a guy based only on his car? No. I like to be average. I don't like attention. I don't want to roll up in a BMW any more than I want to roll up in a big old car with silver rims. Besides, we are approaching 40. Rims? Really? I have dismissed a man who drive the biggest, honking is truck you would ever want to see. Brand new. 4 doors. 6 wheels, 2 ginormous side view mirrors...diesel. No thanks. It is too much. Too big. Too flashy. Too obvious. I also have dismissed a man who drove one of those PT Cruiser type things. Because that? Is just weird. Plus, he was shorter than I am and I couldn't see myself naked with him.
My search for Mr. Right continues...but these are some things I consider...Perhaps if I weren't so picky, it wouldn't be so hard? Oh wait. Isn't that settling?

Let's Start at the Very Beginning...this? isn't the beginning.

2009-07-09T22:07:00.003-04:00

Ok...I have not posted anything in far too long. Let's forget the past and go from here...Well...not forget the past.
I am going to attempt to relive the past 9 or so months, to the best of my recollection. The passages will be out of order...don't try to make sense of anything.
First. Everyone gets a nickname.

7/9 No nickname as of print...
Tonights date was all kinds of weird. I got good vibes and bad. In certain light, I liked him...in certain light he needed to go and scrub his mustache off. I met him online too. You would think I would learn from the past. You would be VERY wrong. We had fun. He was nice. Normal conversation...has kids...didn't seem to have any weird issues or obvious quirks...but he was small. Small framed. He was reserved. I could probably date him again, but he is from this town. This tiny little town, where everyone knows everyone. And, if they don't, they know someone who does know everyone. We left the restaurant and he walked me to my car...which was parked next to this ghetto ass car. The ghetto ass car? Belonged to him. Of course it did. OF COURSE IT DID. I have 2 questions that I ask myself when I first meet a guy. 1. Can I see myself naked with him? and 2. Can I see myself in his car? I don't know why that is...and clearly, it is not a good indicator, because everyone who has passed those two questions has turned out to be a douche bag or an escape artist. The thing is, if I waiver on ONE of those, but the second one is a strong yes, then I can over look things. But if I am waivering on one and the second one is a big fat no...then wa wa...games over. Tonight? In the parking lot? Game over.
This pisses me off. I created more laundry...and I wasted a full face of make up. Once again, I wasted the pretty. For what? A nice meal and conversation...ok. I kinda wish I could over look this...maybe see him again. But he knows people that I know. And I have done that before. I can't do it again. So...it is all "bye bye bye!" and Back to the drawing board for me.

A slackers Thanksgiving list

2008-11-30T09:58:00.002-05:00

I know that today is Sunday...a full 3 days since the actual Thanksgiving day...but I have been giving a lot of thought to things that I am thankful for this year.
Naturally, I am thankful for my family...all of them...even Gram, who pinched my butt and asked if I were gaining weight. (she is 88, I didn't hit her.)I'm thankful for my boys, who, just like me, believe that Thanksgiving is the new Christmas and that family members are magical, and heroic, and are placed on a pedestal, where they belong. I am thankful that they have the opportunity to know their cousins.
I am thankful that said cousins shared their new baby with me. I am pretty sure I hogged him the whole time, but I fell in love. And that love made a difficult week much easier than I thought it would be. Next time I get to see him, he will be walking and talking, and the snugglefest will be long forgotten, but somehow, I think I will remember it for a long time.
I am also thankful that we were all able to be together. All of us. Even the more difficult ones. I am thankful that my parents have their health and were able to host this again. I am thankful that my 88 year old gram did pinch my butt and ask about my weight. I am thankful that she is here and is able to do it! I also know that it means she loves me.
I am thankful for the other, more routine things...like my job. I stress about it and I may or may not still have it next year at this time, but I am thankful for it right now. I am also thankful for my friends. This year has been a trying time for me. I have done something that I never thought I would or could do. I know that each of my friends brings something that I need into my life. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for one friend, in particular...singling her out isn't a bad thing, I know she doesn't read this...but she has been a source of strength for me. A sounding board. A critic. A cheerleader. An ego booster. An advisor. A comedian. A shoulder to cry on. A nurse. And much more...sometimes all at once. So, I am very thankful for her...while I hope never to see her in a position where she needs the favor returned, I can only hope to be able to help her the way she has helped me.

So...all in all...I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a job, a wonderful family, great friends, a warm house, and food on the table. It would be wrong to ask for much more.

Happy Turkey day!

2008-11-25T18:43:00.002-05:00

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My favorite Christmas song...admittedly, I like the Perry Como version better, but damn youtube didn't have it!

I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving...I didn't have to look very far, to find things that I am thankful for. I am counting my blessings...

the countdown begins

2008-11-15T10:47:00.002-05:00

Make no mistake...I love my birthday...LOVE IT! It is an entire week of MEMEMEME! I don't have to share or be nice or anything...and I do that so well, so any chance to show that off is welcomed!
However, usually, the birthday extravaganza kicks off the holiday season! Yes, some would argue that Thanksgiving does that...but whatever...it goes birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year! Birthday is a big one, second ONLY to Thanksgiving...
Thanksgiving, for as long as I can remember, has been the best that every single holiday has to offer. We celebrate it with my mom's side of the family...and while my mom does the martyr thing, and my dad self combusts, the rest of us have a grand old time. Many a family mystery has been solved over pie or hot dogs! The lamp? The disappearing beer? solved. solved.
This year will be different. This is the first year of separation holidays. The Dad will be missing. He has missed before, while serving in Iraq...but certainly, that is a different kind of thing.
I can't help but feel that instead of being excited for the holiday...I am anxious. And sad. And a million other things. I feel like this is a downward spiral clear through til New Years! And, I am not that excited for it!
We have split the holidays in a fair and agreeable fashion...but I might be stepping up my game with the therapist for a little bit!
Let's hope I am wrong. I was wrong about my bday...I thought I would be sad and disappointed, and I was a little sad, but not disappointed!
However, I broke a mirror last night...so the odds are not in my favor!

Wish me luck, the festivities start a week from today! (I will kick the day off with a trip to the shrink...) The arrival of cousins and family is anticipated by everyone...(HI B...we can't wait to meet G!!) I'll post pictures!

It's a GIRL!!

2008-11-02T17:10:00.003-05:00

Isn't she lovely? Isn't she wonderful??

Well...we scrapped the Britney Spears look for more of a Paris Hilton kind of thing...he had a little stuffed dog in the purse and just stood around saying "that's hot" all night. It was so funny...for 11, he has a lot of self confidence...and a great sense of humor!!

Hot dog, hold the bun

2008-10-29T21:53:00.003-04:00

Tonight, I found myself in a situation that I never thought I would be in. I was shopping for a dress for my child! Now, you know that I only have boys...so what the heck?
It's Halloween! Don't worry...they are going trick or treating as very manly men. Little is going to be a goth/zombie/Frankenstein guy and Big is going to be an army man. Both very testosterone laden and masculine. However, Big was once again, invited to the party of the year! Honestly, this girl goes all out for her birthday party. I would LOVE to do this! This year, the theme is "red carpet bash" and you are supposed to come as your favorite celeb. Big at first wanted to be Clint Eastwood or some shit like that...and I was all...No baby! Why don't we bust out the wig from last year and you can goes as Britney! Hell to the yeah! It really took about a second for him to come on board that train! So...that is how I ended up shopping for dresses, no, GOWNS...for my son!

This took us to the local goodwill. Now, please don't get me wrong. I have shopped at the goodwill. I take my crap there...and I bring other peoples crap home...and so I know, there are good Goodwill's, and there are not so good ones. This one? NOT SO GOOD. You could guess that from the smell. At least that is how I can tell. This one stunk...and there was just crap all over. I didn't think we were going to find anything...until Little spots the wedding section! It was like the 1990's threw up all over the back of the store. I swear I saw a gown just like the one I wore back on that fateful day, 14 years ago. I mean, it was white. Puffy sleeves, lace, and sequins. Put it together and you have a wedding gown from the 90's. Anyway...we were browsing the selection...I was trying to keep the giggle brothers out of the way...and I found the dress. It is plum velvet. Long. High slit. Perfect for the party...and at 14.99, a real steal. We had to tackle the issue of trying that on. Both dressing rooms were occupied by women who reminded me of myself at Macy's on a good sale day. They were getting down to business. So...he takes his coat off and I try the dress on right there in the store. Good move. And Bad move. It was tight, but over a pair of Levi's and a sweatshirt, I figured we were good. Off we go to pay. The cashier looks at me and says, "you know this is 14.99, right?" I did. But apparently, people don't have that kind of jingle to toss around? Because he looked at me like I was nuts...Uhm...14.99 is probably a good 50$ less than what a dress would set me back at the Halloween store...anyway...
We get home and Big goes to try it on for realz. Uhm. Here is where the problem comes in. He has a wiener. It is obvious in a dress. REAL obvious. I mean, my kid is 11, but still...it is obvious that something isn't right in Britney-ville. So...this is where my dilemma comes in. What do I do with the wiener? I pose this question to my mother. She apparently was laughing too hard and my dad had to respond. My friend Scott said he didn't know anything about hiding a wiener...weren't boys supposed to show them off? (I am dealing with him later.) So...I ask you...where does it go? Scott did mention tighty whiteys. I have no idea if that will solve the problem or not. I know when I am trying to hold things in, I wear a control top hose. Perhaps?
The good news is, he has the cutest little butt in this dress!
Pictures on Saturday, I promise!

I'm gonna turn this blog around

2008-10-09T20:49:00.002-04:00

For the last few months doom and gloom have taken hold. Admittedly, things are not roses and sunshine...but one thing that I have really lost touch with, has been my sense of humor. Let's face it...when that goes, really, why bother getting out of bed?
So...I am going to embrace the sarcasm and apply it to my daily life once again. I am going to revel in the fact that just when I think I am 5 minutes early, the dog escapes and I am 10 minutes late...I am going to blog about the funny, disaster that is my life...so...put on your big girl pants and let's go!
B...if you read this, I need you to pinky swear that you are not going to discuss anything at Thanksgiving dinner. If you have read past that, I am taking that as your pinky promise.
I'm going to make some changes...and hopefully get back...back in the New York Groove...(who doesn't love Ace Frehley?)

2008-08-30T20:43:00.002-04:00

So...last night, I met some friends for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory.
These were not ordinary friends, these were sorority sisters...some that I haven't seen in 15 years.
Naturally, I was nervous. I am just coming out of a failed marriage. I am sad a lot. So, I was afraid that I would be the only one there who was in a bad situation.
It was such a nice surprise to go with these ladies and not have it be a "look at me" show. Everyone was so nice and so sweet...it was just nice to be there.
I am relying on my friends a lot more than I thought...and I am finding these friends in the strangest of places. People that I felt certain I would be able to count on for anything, let me down. People that I would never have suspected, are doing more than their part. It makes me feel good, in a way that I haven't felt in a long time. I hope that the friendships that were rekindled last night, continue to grow and build on what we have in common, as well as how much we have changed. I guess I'll keep you posted!

Too Cool for SCHOOL!

2008-08-29T15:24:00.000-04:00

Here we are...all ready for the first day!
God are they cute!

Dream a little dream of me...

2008-08-25T21:16:00.003-04:00

I have been really doing a lot of thinking lately...well...that and cruising facebook for pictures of me in 1989...but whatever...
A recent series of events has left me wondering if I will ever truly know happiness. If I will ever be able to find it on my own, you know, without a roadmap and some serious directions...
I recognize that things are not how I would like them to be...and I seem content to just sit and wallow in self pity, rather than pull myself up and out of this funk. Financially, this separation was the worst thing that I have ever done. The good folks at all of the major utilities are being kind...but I know that they need their $$ soon, or we won't have to worry that the gas is off, because we won't be able to see anyway! I have applied and gotten a part time job, but I can't start until the 19th, and really, it is only 10 hours/week...not exactly big bank. I can't really afford to file for divorce...because if I do, I will owe him money. So. While that goes a long way to prove my point in this whole separation...it doesn't help me put gas in the car or food on the table!
Emotionally, I have learned that I am co-dependant. An outside observer pointed this out to me. She did it in a very loving, kind way...and Eureeka! It's true! It sucks. Because I ended up glomming on to someone that I wouldn't necessarily have glommed onto, had I been in a different situation. I allowed myself to be fooled by early behavior...and I can't seem to get over it. I basically allowed someone to shit on me...and then kick me while I lay there. The sad part is, I feel like I would roll over, so they could do it again. Where did my self worth go? What am I teaching my kids? I burst into tears randomly. And, while I would never really physically harm myself, it is something that I have contemplated on way more than one occasion. Don't worry...I have a therapist...she is aware...
I guess I just don't see an end in sight to any of this...I left my husband, I can't afford to live like this, I entered into an unhealthy relationship that instead of removing myself from, I was thrown out of...
I know that I have my health. I have my family. I have my job. And I thank God every day for these things...I just wish that for a few minutes, I could catch a break.

A girl can dream...

The meme...which I don't understand what that meme's (hahaha)

2008-08-17T15:19:00.002-04:00

THIS IS ME:
Eye Color: Hazel
Hair Color: light golden brown with caramel highlights
--Dyed or Natural: yeah. dyed. Naturally would probably be salt n' peppa
--Curly or Straight: crazy curly...but I straighten it everyday...
Right- or Left-handed: right
Tan or Pale: I am fair skinned...ok...pale.
Jeans or Khakis: yoga pants
Country, Rap, or Rock: really? one or the other? No. How about rock/country/rap in that order?
Car: the Saturn
Place in order of preference--T.V., book, movie, music: book, music, movie, tv
Your heritage: I am proud to be a mutt!
Shoes you're wearing today: bare feet
Your weakness(es): a nice smelling man, babies, pizza
Your perfect pizza: pepperoni from Frank's...or plain cheese from anywhere else.
Favorite color: black
Favorite place: the beach on Marco Island. It is paradise...for sure.
Goal you'd like to achieve: be happy with myself.
Your most overused phrase(s): Dudes! I don't think I have any, yo.
Your thoughts first waking up: I'm going back to sleep!
Your best physical feature(s): my smile
Your bedtime: usually 1030 or 11.
Your most missed memory: would have to be growing up...as kids we would spend a few weeks with my grandparents at their country house (sounds way more impressive than it is.) They had running water from a spring, but it was only cold. We heated water over the stove to wash dishes and faces. All 4 cousins slept together in the same bed. We spent all day playing and fishing and picking berries and being kids. Dinner was often cooked over the fire that we would roast marshmallows over later that night. Someone always stopped over...a neighbor, a relative. It was such a peaceful time. After my grandparents died, my dad and my aunt ended up selling the house, as it was in desperate need of updates. The people bought it and burned it down. I can't bring myself to drive past there today.
Pepsi or Coke: Diet Pepsi
McDonald's or Burger King: nothing with a drive thru, please.
Single or group dates: Does this mean do I want to go out with a group of men or just one at a time? Either way, GROUP! hee hee
Adidas or Nike: Nike for shoes, Adidas for clothes.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: diet Lipton with lemon
Chocolate or vanilla: swirl them together!
Cappuccino or coffee: Coffee...or skinny vanilla latte!

DO YOU:
Smoke: No.
Cuss: like a sailor.
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend: I have several girlfriends...but not in the Cherry Chapstick way...
Take a shower: yes...sometimes twice a day
Have a crush(es): yeah. Hello? Michael Phelps!
Think you've been in love: I think I have covered that base.
Want to get married: again? the jury is out.
Believe in yourself: learning to...
Believe in God: yes
Believe in your government: I don't know how I feel about this, so I will go on to the next one.
Get motion sickness: yes! Don't make me read while riding or I will puke in your car.
Think you're attractive: I won't break your mirror, but I won't be on the cover of Vogue any time soon, either
Think you're a health freak: No...just a regular freak
Get along with your parents: usually
Like thunderstorms: Not really, no.

IN THE PAST MONTH, HAVE YOU:
Drank alcohol: yes
Gone on a date: yes
Gone to the mall: yes
Been on stage: no
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No. Not even half a box!
Eaten sushi: no
Been dumped: no
Gone skating: no
Gone skinny dipping: no
Stolen anything: no, I don't think that I have!

HAVE YOU EVER:
Played a game that required removal of clothing: yes
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yes
Been caught "doing something": by my college roommates.
Been called a tease: I don't think so...not to my face.
Gotten beaten up: no
Age you hope to be married: hmmm...
Number of children you'd like: I've got two...and I am cool with that.
Describe your dream wedding: One that the marriage doesn't end in divorce.

WHAT YOU LIKE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX:
Best eye color?: don't care
Best hair color?: don't care
Short or long hair: Short.
Best first date location: Cleveland
Best first kiss location: in a tree house

IN THE NUMBERS:
Number of people I could trust with my life: 3 or 4
Number of CD's: no idea
Number of piercings: my ears are pierced...
Number of tattoos: two
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: Not very many
Number of scars on my body: A lot

Tell me, tell me, tell me the answer...

2008-08-11T21:06:00.004-04:00

50 Bonus points if you can tell me the song that line comes from...without GOOGLE!

so...my homework for the therapist is to figure out what is best for ME.
Christ on a cracker...why not just ask me to solve the worlds energy problems...or finish the NYTimes crossword puzzle or something a tad bit easier.
You see...my dilemma is this...do I file for divorce and be able to get on with my life in a normal manner? or do I continue to ride the separation bus until it comes to a crashing end?
Sit and ponder for a minute, then let me know.

K...so I am guessing an hour has passed and you are no closer to an answer than I am. I wouldn't mind if you would just tell me what to do...and then, incidentally, if what I should do includes getting a divorce, then please also pass the bar exam quick, so you can do the divorce for free...mkay?

Getting a divorce will break me, financially. I am convinced of this.
Staying married because of that will break me emotionally. I am convinced of this, too.

The only difference that I can see is that if I go for broke financially, creditors and collectors will come a calling.
If I go for broke emotionally, I don't think anyone will notice the difference.

I need someone to tell me what to do...yet I don't want anyone to.
I have always believed that as long as I made decisions based only on what I thought...no matter how it ended, I could know that I was the only one to blame. Currently, I am willing to suspend that logic in exchange for some solid advice.

This is where I solicit you!

March 1, 1964 - August 1, 2008

2008-08-04T18:03:00.003-04:00

I wonder if you know how much I looked up to you when we were younger?
I wonder if you know how much your smile and your laughter were contagious?
I wonder if you know how I noticed that you always did the right thing, even when doing so was the hardest thing you had to do?
I wonder...and I will never know the answer...
It has probably been 5 years since the last time we talked...you told me about your wife and your daughters and your job...and how proud you were of all of those things. We laughed about old times. We laughed about people that we used to know. People who had fallen out of our lives...like we had fallen out of each others...my call was just a small attempt to keep in touch. I should have made more of an effort.
I always always always talk think about you when the Chicago song "25 or 6 to 4" comes on...I can remember you telling me about how that song came about. I can still tell the story...and I do! I don't know if it is the truth or not...because you were pretty darn believable...but I tell it like it is gospel.
I remember you had that blue convertible...your baby...and you took such care of it. I remember you taking me for a ride one day...I was maybe 17 at the time...and the typical 17 year old problems weighed heavily on my mind...and you put the top down...turned up the radio...and we drove...and the wind carried my problems away...
I remember you and Junior coming over to my house after work...my parents loved you, Joe...honestly, I could have probably killed a man and as long as you said it was ok, it would have been ok with my parents. And we would sit and watch tv and goof off.
You gave me my first real job. And then you gave me my second job. You sent me flowers on my birthday when I was away at school. I can still see the bouquet. You made me laugh. You dried my tears.
I am sorry that we drifted apart. I am sorry, because I know that you were the kind of person that everyone should have in their life.
Did you know that about a month or so ago, I tried to find you and your phone number? I took the boys to Florida and we were going to be spending a day in Ft. Lauderdale. I knew you lived there...so I wanted to try to meet up. I couldn't come up with a good phone number...and then planning the trip got in the way...so I figured that I would catch you the next time.
I wish there was a next time.
I'm sorry Joe. I am sorry that I didn't get that chance...I am sorry that my boys didn't get to meet the guy who told the story about the silly song that mommy sings on the radio. I am sorry that your wife will have a day, a week, a lifetime, without you. And I am sorry that maybe I never told you how much you did mean to me...
This one is for you...Live long and prosper...
'>http://

OOPs I did it again...

2008-08-04T17:37:00.003-04:00

I have been absent from here...but maybe you have noticed.
I have a lot on my mind...and instead of getting easier, it seems to just be getting harder. I try to think about it...and it overwhelms me and I just stop.
How can I be sure that I am making the right decision?
How can I be sure that this is the best for everyone? Especially when one of the boys says "When is Daddy coming home?"
I feel like my life has been one bad decision after another as of lately...and when I turn and look, I don't seem to have a scrap of dignity left. Each bad decision seems to have a consequence worse than the one before...how many more, before I lose everything?
I look at my life 6 months ago...and I don't even recognize it, compared to the mess that it is today. Yes. I have people who love me. Yes. I have my health. Yes. I have my family. Yes. I have those two very sweet little boys. And, I suppose, in the over all scheme of things, that is enough...
I look at Little and when he starts to cry because I am not the one taking him to football practice, I cry too. I cry when he asks why Daddy isn't coming home. It doesn't make sense to me, so how can I explain it to him?
I need to know that I did the right thing. In my heart. I need to know that.
I need to find the strength to be independent. I need to know when to say no and not make decisions that are not 100% the right thing to do.
I need to take inventory of my life and figure out what is going to stay and what is going to go.
Keep something crossed that I make the right decisions...

off my chest

2008-06-30T19:32:00.003-04:00

If you are 45 years old...you don't need to avoid eye contact with me...I have been your sister in law for almost 14 years. I have known you for as long as you have known your own son.
If you think that leaving me mean messages on my voice mail is the way to make things happen, you haven't learned anything in the past 16 years.
If passive aggressive were a sport, you would be the olympic record holder.
That 10 minute soliloquy that I was subjected to the other night was beautiful. You should seriously think about a career in acting.
I am not sure when NOT DOING ANYTHING different began to constitute change...but if it does, we have been changing for a long time. Maybe we need to stop.
I know he is your son. BELIEVE me, I know.
If you think that I WANT to be living this, that this is what I dreamed of when I was a little girl, you might want to lie down...because YOU ARE CRAZY!

surprise

2008-06-11T21:12:00.002-04:00

Uhm.
So...I am sitting here...and Little comes down...he is clearly up to something, because there is a shit grin on his face. The convo that he will repeat to his therapist in 10 years, went like this:

Little: Close your eyes.
Me: No way, Jose...I am not falling for that one.
Little: Come on mom, it isn't bad.
Me: Yeah. Nope. Not doing it...what do you have?
Little: Nothing! NOTHING
(at this point I notice the noise...bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)
Me: OMG! Give it to me. GIVE IT TO ME!!!
Little: Why?
Me: OMG! That is MOMMY'S. GIVE IT TO ME!

Trip to the therapist- $25 copay
blue plastic vibrator- $15
Look on your mothers face when she realizes that you found it?- Priceless.

Hello Kitty

2008-06-01T20:09:00.002-04:00

Many things are changing here at casa de crazy. One thing will remain the same. I will never get a break. Here is an example:
Yesterday, I decided to pull the trigger and buy a new grill. The grill that we have hasn't worked since Nam...and I wanted me a burger. So...I looked and looked...and found one at Wmart for a cool hunge. (100, hundo...)anyway...They came assembled or unassembled. There was no change in price. I? Still drive a Saturn. There was no way I was going to fit a fully assembled grill into the back seat of said Saturn. No sir.
So, I opted for unassembled. I struggled to get the grill down from the shelf...I gave up when it became clear that I was going to become trapped underneath that grill if I were to continue attempting to get this grill down, without help.
Fast forward 20 minutes and I am zooming down the road with an unassembled grill in my back seat.
My parents were coming down today to help me buy this grill. I went all independent on them and bought it myself. I did the research. I know BTUs. So, my dad was going to help me put it together. BBBZZZTTTTT. Wrong again. I was going to do this myself. I didn't get much sleep last night, but I was determined to start that grill. The directions said it should take approx. 45 minutes. BBBBBZZZZZTTTT. Hey! It took me 45 minutes to figure out which pieces were the legs. I was clad entirely in my jammies. Hello Kitty jams to be exact. On my front porch. Recently single. Hello. Perhaps I should have showered and applied a full face of make up...but that is hind sight. I got that damn grill together...2 hours and much swearing later. It isn't together exactly correct, and between you and I? I totally disposed of the extra parts, so my dad wouldn't know. But...the best part is the text that I just got.
J: You got the grill together!
Me: Uhm...yeah...how did you know?
J: I drove past you this morning.
Me: In. My. Jammies?
J: Yep. That's why I didn't stop.
Me: Uhm. OMG. I am so embarrassed.

Allow me just to say that J is a hot local guy...and while I have no intention of beginning to date any time soon, if I were...J would SOOO be on the top of the list. However, I think that my hello kitty jammies just took him out of the running. I suppose I will rethink doing things on the porch in the morning.

Don't be a hater...

2008-05-14T21:28:00.002-04:00

Mother's day came and went...with limited fanfare around these parts. Public school has really stepped up their game as far as holiday swag goes. I got a shit load of stuff this year...allow me to extrapolate. (OMG. I totally used that word)
Big's swag bag contained a marigold potted in a pot with a picture of him glued to the front, lest I forget what he looks like. It also contained a flower made of construction paper with a pledge on each petal. (Here is an insightful look into casa de crazy...) The middle says "Dear Mom, I'd like to show you in my own way, how much I love you each and every day." Please don't think he wrote that. It doesn't have football in it. He had nothing to do with it. The petals each say "I promise to" and the kid filled them in. Here is a list of his promises:

Get the mail (from the sounds of this, you could deduce that we either get a shitload of mail, or we live at the end of a long country road. Neither would be correct.)
Not record on the DVR (a little background on this? I was pissed the other day when Grey's Anatomy didn't record because the DVR was at 100% with the Deadliest Catch and Spongebob episodes.
make breakfast on mother's day (if by make breakfast he meant to sit on the couch and ask if he could have another pop tart, then he SOO did this.)
clean my face (This kid could make a mess eating ice. I have an anxiety attack any time we have wings or ribs. Not pretty)
not beat up Little (AS IF)

So damn sweet.

The swag from Little was even better! It included a flower of unknown origin planted in a regular pot, without a picture on it. (I am afraid I might forget what he looks like) A flower made of tissue paper, and a homemade card. The card touts the ways in which I am special...Here goes:

My Mom's name is (Misspelled)

She is special because (she buy me ice cream) That's right. I buy ice cream. Jealous much?

I like it when my mom (tickles me) OMG. So cute

My mom can do many things! I think she's best at (cooking) uhm...hey kid. They are talking about ME! Cooking? Really? THAT is what I do best? Heaven help us.

My mom has a pretty smile! I like to make her smile by (going crazy) Yep. That will do it.

My mom is as pretty as a (Princess) Who moved up to favorite? That's right!

My mom is smart. She even knows (everything) Are you starting to think maybe he copied off the kid next to him, so he could go outside faster? I know I am!

I like to tell my mom (I love her) Collective AWWWW!

It was a nice Mother's Day. Little picked the menu for dinner. We had Bourbon Chicken and Tater Tots...that is sooo how we roll around here!

Everythings gonna be alright...

2008-05-07T21:09:00.003-04:00

I love my boys...they try my patience on a daily basis, but I LOVE them.

Yesterday, the boys and I drove to meet my mom and my gram for dinner. The ride MAYBE took 20 minutes. MAYBE. Apparently, 20 minutes is too long...because Little decided to take the lemon scented magic marker and color his entire ENTIRE hand yellow. Front and back. Yellow. I didn't realize that is what he was doing...I was on the phone with a co worker...discussing very important work business...so...when we pulled in to the restaurant parking lot, I heard him giggle. I didn't know what he was doing. I looked up and there is this YELLOW hand. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry.
As that is going on...Big is talking about the $300 that I owe him. Please know that my kids do this. They often say "you said you would give me a dollar...or you promised we could go here..." and I didn't. But I fall for it every time. But. He was pushing his luck with $300. I KNOW I didn't promise him that kinda cash. I mean, hell, I don't even know that I HAVE $300 right now. So, I ask him what the hell he is talking about? Turns out he thinks I owe him his part of the stimulus check that we are getting from the government. SHUT UP! Can someone PLEASE keep my kid away from Fox news. Thanks. He is trying to shake me down for the money I get for having him. I am not sure where these kids come from.
But I love them.

how can you not love this face?

2008-05-05T09:18:00.001-04:00

Loving this...my little PIRATE!

baby girl...

2008-05-01T10:16:00.002-04:00

ain't got a motorboat, but I can float your boat...I can't get that song out of my head.
Funny...when something gets stuck there...it is STUCK there.

SO...I took that LOA from my life. I did a lot of thinking. And, I read something that basically said "There is a difference between just existing and living." and it hit me in the face. I have been 'just existing' for so long now...(I heard you say, No DUH!) but I didn't realize it. No. Really, I didn't.
So...long about Monday night, after spending the weekend avoiding my husband, I opened my mouth to speak and "I don't think this is working any more" spilled out. I know it crushed him. I know it hurt. I know how much. Believe me, I know how much. But. I couldn't take it back. I don't think I want to take it back.
There has been much discussion with me and my therapist (she was not surprised.) and C and I. And C, our couples therapist, and me. There have been many tears. MANY tears. The thing is. I don't hate him. I can't hate him. I just don't know if I can get beyond the hurt. And, I am tired of putting everyone else in front of me...when no one is putting me first. How is that fair?
There is more...but I am tired of talking about it right now. The gist is...he is leaving tomorrow for 2 weeks at summer camp for the Army. We are taking this time to cool off and see what happens. Lots of stuff to think about.
The part that freaks me out? Is how relieved I feel having said that. It can only get better, now.

LOA

2008-04-25T19:16:00.002-04:00

I took a major leave of absence from my life this week...I went to Boston for work and didn't do one thing that I usually do.
I didn't blog. I didn't read blogs. I talked to my kids, but that was it. I didn't email. I just laid low. It was great. Nice. Fun. No worries. I didn't even know who won the election in PA until I saw it on the news.
I am going to catch up...but I'm not in a hurry! I am sitting in the airport...waiting for my 9pm flight. I thought it was an 8pm flight...and I got to the airport kind of early...so I had about 4 hours to kill...
I went to Harvard for an evening. It was fun to walk around and take in the sights. Seeing students on the lawn, playing frisbee or catch...walking dogs, holding hands...it really was nice.

Who's the Boss?

2008-04-17T21:13:00.003-04:00

Convo:

Big: Mom...who is that girl with the brown hair from that show in the 80's?
Me: Really? You couldn't be any less specific?
Big: MOM! You know...I think she was on Who's the Boss?
Me: Alyssa Milano?
Big: Yes. Alyssa Milano. With your new haircut, that is who you look like.

Apparently, a good hair cut can change your whole appearance!

I got my hair cut today...I drove an hour...spent 2 1/2 hours getting it cut, colored, and highlighted...and fell in love. The cut is amazing. Funny how that happens. Apparently, there IS a difference! I guess the $5 box I was selecting was maybe not the best!! I LOVE the color. I LOVE the cut! I will post a picture tomorrow...maybe...unless Tony Danza calls, then I am totally outta here!

WTF?

2008-04-16T08:38:00.003-04:00

warning: random post about girl stuff

Yesterday, I got a surprise visit from Aunt Rose. She was early. I had no tampons. At work, we have the machine that dispenses them for a quarter. I put the quarter in, my ONLY quarter, and *CLICK* nothing came out. I wiggled the handle, I hit the machine, I even tried the old "swear at it" method. Nothing. Here I am, in the bathroom, banging on a tampon machine and swearing at it...A woman in a stall hears my plight. She kindly offers up a tampon. (I totally plan to pay it forward...) I take it. In the stall...UHM? Hello? was she 11? It is the SMALLEST tampon I have ever seen. Seriously. I put bigger things in my ears to clean them. Who has a vajayjay that small?

I guess when I "pay it forward" the lucky recipient will probably be like "UHM? Hello? Who has a vajayjay that big?" Oh well!

Guitar Hero

2008-04-14T08:59:00.001-04:00

DSC02971
Originally uploaded by sweetpeas123

My little rock star! We played GH3 all weekend...I beat it on Easy...no easy feat, let me tell you! I am one song in on medium. Big is trying to beat the first boss guy...Little hates it...but sings along. It is awesome to hear him sing "Slow Ride..."

If I could save time in a bottle...

2008-04-12T22:07:00.002-04:00

The car ride on our date tonight...Big and I...

"mom...if we 'Flintstone' your car, I think we would go faster..."
"Flintstone?"
"Yeah...you know, cut holes in the floor so our feet can hit the ground..."
"Where do you come up with this?"

So, Big and I had a fabulous date. We just poked around the mall area...had dinner at the Steak N Shake...deelish...He ate a double cheeseburger with fries and fresh fruit on the side and a chocolate/vanilla milkshake. He is 10, remember. He ate it ALL. Crazy. We went to the bookstore and each picked out a new book...then went to Starbucks and played checkers until the comfy chairs were free...then we settled into them to read. We were there for about an hour. I think I could have stayed all night...possibly forever. I know there is going to be a time in the not so distant future, where it won't be cool to hang out with me at Starbucks. I know this. I accept it. But for now...I will just enjoy it for what it is!

Earlier, I read a post over at Miss Britt...where she says she sucks...in a cleansing response, I reported all of the ways that I also suck. I suck because my kids are so long overdue for a haircut, I think they have Caucasian Afros. They have a perpetual kool aid mustache, since kool aid is about all we have to drink here...my car is out of inspection...by 2 or 3 months...I know it needs new tires and brakes...and an oil change. I haven't found a place that offers those for free, yet...so I just obey most traffic laws and wear a low cut top as a preventative measure. My own hair hasn't been cut since October. I am dangerously close to being mistaken for harvesting caterpillars on my forehead...my house is in a state of disarray. I have a few outdoor projects that need finished...oh I am sure there was more...but funny how a nice date with a lovely young gentleman, will change your outlook entirely!
There is one person in this world who today, doesn't think I suck! And that is good enough for me!!

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

2008-04-06T16:05:00.002-04:00

I came here to talk about the day...and how incredibly awesome the sun is for showing up today and how the birds rock for tweeting and how the sound of a basketball bouncing in the distance is so incredibly sweet...until my thoughts were interrupted by the stink brothers. They were all "he stole my gun" "he did this" "he did that"...and it caused me to lose my ever lovin' mind. Because REALLY? You're going to whine on a day like today? REALLY?
I just got done telling Big that he had another hour left of his sentence involving being outside for the entire afternoon. He whined "I haven't been on the computer ALL DAY!" I said "I know...now getcher ass outside." It has been below zero here for the last 6 months and I am supposed to be sympathetic? Be kids. Dig in the dirt. Draw on the sidewalk with chalk. Play kickball.
In all honesty, it has been an awesome day. We are working in the flower garden up front. Flower garden might be too strong of a description for the mess that I am talking about...but we'll leave it at that, because you can't see what it really looks like. In the whole 11 years that we have lived her, nothing but weeds have successfully grown in this bed...of flowers. So. I am cutting my loses and scaling back the area that remains barren. I hope that I can at least get some sedum (spelling?) to grow there...that shit grows everywhere...
In homeowner 101, I have decided to tackle a few other tasks...I have enlisted the help of random family members, so as not to burden all at once. New shelves went up in the pantry...YAY! You have no idea how big of a YAY that really is! Next up, painting the kitchen and the dining room. That gets a little yay, because I am the painter.
Baby steps, I guess.

April Fooled

2008-04-01T20:19:00.002-04:00

If you know me...you know that I am a big joker. Laughing is my favorite sport. Yeah...so...being on the receiving end of an April Fools joke is RARE...for me. I am the joke player.
Today...I was got.
And...by someone so unsuspecting it isn't funny! It was a co-worker...we talk 5 or more times a day...and this morning he calls and we are talking about work and stuff and he told me that we wouldn't be working together much longer...as of June 1, he would have another territory. I was crushed. We get along so well. I have been at this job for almost 6 years...I have had co-workers in this capacity, come and go, and I couldn't have cared any less. Buh bye. But this new territory...I am learning some teamwork...and I have come to really like and respect this guy. So. To hear that we were "breaking up" really hit me hard.
I am almost embarrassed to say how hard! I nearly cried on the phone with him! How terrible would that have been? In this job, I don't get close to very many people, because frankly, they come and go...those that I do allow to get close, I cherish. So...really, I barely stopped short of proclaiming my undying love for this guy today. (Believe me, I am already embarrassed enough...) He wanted to send me the email that showed all the changes, but I flat out refused. I told him that I wouldn't read it, because I was in denial. I would remain in denial until I couldn't do anything about the changes.
He sent the email. I didn't open it. Our conversation changed and we continued talking about work...it wasn't until about 10 minutes later, right before we were hanging up, that I clicked on the email. Mother Fucker said APRIL FOOLS.
I was fooled, alright.
I couldn't believe that I HAD BEEN GOTTEN!
I have a new found respect for this man. I may offer to have his children.

Murphy

2008-03-30T19:40:00.000-04:00

This is Murphy. I am not a fan of rats...but from the front, Murphy is the cutest thing ever. From the back? Murphy has the biggest set of nuts I have ever seen...and a freakishly long tail. No thanks.
He isn't ours...he is part of my friends zoo...cats, dogs, rats, a spider, and a bunny or two.

We spent Friday evening there...

Something is gonna getcha!

2008-03-26T14:56:00.002-04:00

I have been doing some boo-hooing lately. You know...random health issues that make me realize I might not be invincible. First it was the "OMG you have a hernia...no wait we're taking your colon" and then it was the "I know you love the eye doctor, here is a corneal ulcer." Throw in a "coughing so much your abs hurt" cold...and last but not least "We know there are abnormal cells on your cervix, but we are going to use a knitting needle and rake to take more samples" trip to the gynecologist.
Please. I could drown in the pool of tears I am crying over all of this. Poor Poor me. In fact, I have said "can a girl get a break" in the most ghetto tone I can muster. I mean, an eye infection and a colon-ectomy and cough/cold AND an abnormal pap? The world might end.
None of it is life threatening. None of it. But all of it is bringing me down. I am still sleepy from the colon surgery. (wait. Maybe I am just lazy.) I can't shake the cold. Or the eye thing. (shout out to dr. cutie!) and the abnormal pap was just the cherry on top.
So...yesterday at my shrink appt. I was telling her all about it. And I can identify why the colposcopy freaked me out. I was on the table and the dr was talking about an outpatient surgery that he wanted to do in order to remove the cells. I kept thinking "he is saying minor surgery. he is saying outpatient. But they said very similar when I went in for an alleged hernia and came out 12 inches of colon and an appendix lighter." So my freak out was kinda normal...or at least understandable. But my woe is me...Eeyore attitude needed to go. And...my shrink kinda told me that.
She started telling me a story about how sad her father was when he found out he had bladder cancer. I felt bad for feeling bad for myself, when obviously, her dad was worse off than I was...but she was going somewhere...she basically said that her sister, after a week of him being sad and woe is me-esque, told him that everyone dies from something. And fuck if she isn't right. Everyone dies of something. So...rather than sit around, waiting for something to kill me...maybe I should stop feeling sorry for myself, feel grateful that nothing that is wrong with me is life threatening, and get on with things.
You know, cause something is gonna getcha.

discovery channel is good food

2008-03-23T20:00:00.002-04:00

The following took place moments ago.

Big: "MOM!"
Me: "what?"
Big: "That make up that you smear all over your face? it is made of PIG FAT."
me: "uhm...what? Oh...right...the discovery channel...k thanks for sharing."
Big: "Yeah. GROSS. And? Do you know what HAM is made from?"
Me: "pig fat?"
Big: "No MOM. PIG. PIG."
Me: "right...I have heard that before...must be true."
Big: "Do you know what part?"
Me: "The rooter? or the tooter?"
Big: (coming close enough to whisper...)"THE BUTT"
Me: "Good to know. Thanks."

I bet he will never eat HAM again.

drinking and hiding easter eggs don't mix

2008-03-23T19:26:00.002-04:00

Last night was a big night out for me. It was a "make up" St. Patrick's Day party. Last week's was cancelled for some reason that I am not completely sure of, but that is ok. Every day can be St. Patrick's Day for me, I don't care.
I spent most of the day leading up to the big bash, cleaning, taking kids to egg hunts, baking cakes, coloring eggs, etc. So, when it came time to don my "Everyone loves an Irish girl" tee shirt from Target, and hit the streets looking for a pot of gold, I was more than ready.
I met my friends at a local pub. It was by no stretch of the imagination, a pub. But let's call it that for shits and giggles, k? I had already bought a ticket...and so I was granted admission to the par-tay. Some of the local favorites were hanging out...oh...look, there is my 65 yr old neighbor over there...let's not make eye contact...everyone was already established at a table in the back. The "big" buffet, that the tickets promised, was actually a table with a few things...and GREEN chocolate flowing from a fountain. I found this completely disturbing...but indulged anyway. It was fun. There was a lot of laughing...some boy nipple comparing...more laughing...much drinking...at one point, I busted out the "robot" move from my 8th grade dance moves. There were some other fun things...then, I found myself looking at a girl/woman's ass that I didn't really know. She was bent over...and her butt was BEGGING me to smack it. So! SMACK! omg. I didn't! Turns out I did. Not sure who was more embarrassed...but I didn't say "...gave that big booty a smack..." which is what was playing in my head...so I guess I should consider myself lucky! I also spent a lot of time looking at this one redhaired man wearing a leprechaun hat. No sir. YES SIR!
So, my friend JKLMNOP walked me home...and it was upon entering the house, that I remembered I had to hid eggs and make the baskets. Not a good idea. Hiding the eggs involved me wrestling them out of the dogs mouth, because he apparently thought they would taste good. Making the baskets didn't go so well...especially since I would get one made up, have to stop to wrestle the dog, and then fuck it up when I tried to finish. I ended up stacking the shit inside the basket in no organized manner, shoved eggs further under the couch than the dogs head could reach, and called it a night.
I was, of course, not done. At the top of the steps was Little, with a tooth in his hand. Uhm? How did you lose a tooth in the middle of the night? He says he wiggled it. I couldn't be sure that the toothfairy had any ones left, so I mumbled something about it being too late tonight, but that the toothfairy would be stopping tomorrow. Turns out, I did have some ones...so it was all good.
I woke up this moring to find 6 texts in my in box. 4 were from Cheryl. The most recent one said "Dude. You HIT on my brother." Clearly, she was texting the wrong person. I remember talking to her brother, but hitting on someone, I think I would know. A few more texts confirm that I MIGHT have hit on him. Which is funny, because of about a million things. Also, she thinks he was being retarded and that I am fine. No hitting. We did giggle that we could be related...but only 1/4...because she and her brother have recently discovered that they don't share the same dad...and neither of their dads are the man that they called "daddy" when they grew up...but that is for another day...
Oh. I also confirmed the robot dance and the ass smacking...those seem to be for true.

Funny shit

2008-03-21T14:11:00.002-04:00

someone sent me the link to this yesterday...and I cannot stop laughing...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGZxaDKmtwE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KVbjpFVe1w

These are two of my favorites!!

Hip bones and tattoos

2008-03-19T19:24:00.002-04:00

Dear Tiny Girl in line in front of me at the CVS,

Hi. I know you don't know me, but I couldn't help but notice your lovely tattoo. I know it is only March, but God bless you, wear that crop sweatshirt and those low rise jeans.
When you turned around to say something to your friend behind you, I know you heard me gasp. Your hip bones. And that flat little, stretch mark free belly. Lord. I wanted to grab you by the hand and take you over to Starbucks. I wanted to tell you a few things...
Like how no matter how strong that maternal instinct is, do not birth children. I know that sounds harsh. But, you'll thank me someday. Those hips will disappear faster than you can say "the condom broke." Even if they return, they won't be the same.
That flat little belly? Also will disappear. In its place? Something we 37 year olds refer to as "the Pooch." Don't make me show you mine. You are too young to see it. Just take my word for it. No matter what anyone says, stretch marks DO NOT GO AWAY. Do you want to take the risk of getting them? NO MA'AM. Just don't have babies.
Also, since I am sharing my wisdom with you. That tattoo there, on your back? I hope that is your dad's name. or maybe your favorite pet. If it isn't, start saving your money now, because you are going to HATE it once you two break up. I know, sweetheart, you two will be together, forever. But when forever gets here, you are going to want to have it removed. Just sayin.
One more thing...all the make up? You don't need it. The eyeliner MIGHT be a little dark...just tone it down a little bit. You have a pretty face. Show it.
You don't have to thank me now...
Love,
You, twenty years ago.

Meme in pictures...

2008-03-15T21:11:00.006-04:00

I have never done one of these before...so forgive me if I fuck it all to hell. I stole it from Tori...not really "stole" because it is a Meme and frankly, she TELLS you to do it...so do it, already!

It is a meme in pictures...
How do you do it?
Go to http://www.photobucket.com/
type in your answer to the question
insert the picture into your blog...

sounds easy, right? Let's just see how it goes.

1.) What is your relationship status?

2.) What is your current mood?

3.) Who is your favorite band/artist?

4.) What is your favorite movie?

5.) What kind of pet do you have?

6.) Where do you live?

7.) where do you work?

8.) What do you look like?

9.) what do you drive?

10.) What did you do last night?

11.) what is your favorite tv show?

12.)Descibe yourself...

13.) What are you doing tomorrow?

14.) What is your name?

15.) What is your favorite candy?

You say it's your birthday....

2008-03-14T09:20:00.003-04:00

Today, Little turns 7. I can hardly believe that you are 7. I remember very vividly the day we found out I was pregnant. We had tried for some time, to have a second baby...and we didn't seem to be getting anywhere...so we stopped trying...situations changed and we started to try again...and just like that, he was on the way!
Pregnancy #2 was not as easy as #1. I spotted early...was basically sent home to rest and see what happened...I cried a lot. I didn't want to have a miscarriage. I wanted to have a baby...sonogram after sonogram confirmed that you were growing. Long about 13 or 14 weeks, when we should have been able to hear your heart beating, we didn't. I had to go home and wait until the next morning to have another sonogram to make sure you were still alive. Probably the longest 12 hours of my life. As soon as the doppler hit my belly, your heartbeat was there! Tears of joy! You gave me such trouble when you were in my belly...and you continue in that spirit!
I had a few "false alarms" before I went into actually labor with you. One false alarm involved a little tinkle and an embarrassing conversation with the gynecologist. (Who hasn't accidentally peed themselves and then gone straight to the gyno because you are IN LABOR!) I didn't think I would ever have you after that episode. I even threatened to NOT LEAVE the doctors office without the baby. (I have since switched doctors...I may have had a "label" at that one...)
The day my water DID break...I thought it was just another "tinkle" incident. Who knows what goes on...the only thing I knew was that I hadn't had a shower and couldn't possibly go to the hospital until I had taken care of that. When I finally got to the doctor and was kind of scolded for taking so long, we were sent to the hospital! You were born about 4 hours later!
Every single day has been something new with you. You have a silly, unique personality. You had the curliest, blond hair...the bluest eyes...the sweetest smile...the hair isn't curly...or very blond anymore, but the eyes and the smile...they remain the same.
Do you remember your "jumping off the couch" incident? The one that resulted in my "mother of the year" trophy? You broke your foot...but you kept right on jumping...so I didn't take you to the hospital. How was I to know?
How about the time you tried to roller skate down the sliding board and got MAD at me for making you take them off?
Or when you and your brother locked the cat in the bathroom and I had to take the door knob off so that we could pee?
Or how your favorite word was "jackass" for a long time. (maybe it only SEEMED like a long time to me!)
Or how last summer, when we were at the hotel for Chris and Jen's wedding, and the fire alarm went off, the first thing out of every ones mouth was "where is Little?" You potentially COULD have done it, but you didn't!!
I love you, baby! I love you for the sweet, adorable little boy that you are...and the young man that you are becoming. I love the fact that I know the craziness and fun is only just beginning. I love how this morning, when I was hugging you and squeezing you and commenting on how old you were getting, you looked at me and said "hello? you're 37. THAT IS OLD."
Tomorrow, we are having your 'cosmic bowling' party...and I am quite certain that I will be boozing by 8pm tomorrow night, but I hope that this is the best birthday, ever...and that next year is even better!
I love you, baby!! Happy birthdizzle!

shopping fun

2008-03-13T13:10:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow is Little's 7th birthday. I am certain not to forget such event, simply because he won't let me! We have been counting down the days since the middle of February...and that is fine, I do the same. I told him that we would be going shopping to pick out his birthday gift and he could pick what he wanted. *within reason....Would you like to know what a 7yr old thinks is *within reason?
First we get to Toys R Us...I am already beat from a day at work and cooking and cleaning...but it is 7:15 and I still have a birthday gift to procure. He wants to look at bikes. and skateboards. and motorized Razor scooters that cost $300 and are entirely OUT of the reach of reason. He rode a couple of bikes around the store...which entertained him, while I took a quick cat nap on the bench. One of the bikes had "handle bar brakes" which Little is not so familiar with. The end result was a small scream and a near miss in the aisle that involved another little boy. Where was that kids mother? I tried to get him to buy into "guitar hero" and frankly, it was only because I wanted it. HE wanted an actual electric guitar. Not so much. There were some tears. He stopped proclaiming that I was the best mom, EVER. I suggested we head over to Walmart...
On the way to Walmart...he remembers that he wanted a "wap-top" aka laptop. I remind him that we are talking about gifts that are *within reason and a wap-top is not. We stopped at Best Buy to prove my point. Again, I tried for the Guitar Hero. (good news...Rock Band for the Wii will be out before Christmas, start standing in line now!) Then...we finally went to Walmart. Walmart. Had the same bike that we saw for $100 at TRU for $68. I'll take that. It is orange. It has handle bar brakes. He didn't hit anyone at Walmart. We bought it. In the check out line, the little girl in front of us was checking out his bike. They talked. She clearly dug Little. He was cute. I told him later that he couldn't bring home a girl that he met in the checkout at Walmart.
Now for the funny part...and really, who didn't see this coming?
We get the bike out to the car. The CAR. The SATURN. There isn't a lot of space in the Saturn, and what space there is, is taken up by a butt load of crap. I try to put the bike in the back seat thinking that Little could ride shotgun on the way home...he managed to survive the first 7 years, he would be fine. Not to worry, the bike wouldn't fit in the back seat. After much wrestling, I got it back OUT of the backseat and popped the trunk. Yeah. It wouldn't fit in the trunk, either. Much wrestling, swearing, yanking, yelling, giggling...and then I decided to put down the back seat. In theory, that sounds like I am using my head. In reality? Not so much. I couldn't get the bike far enough IN the trunk to need the seat down. More pulling, pushing, swearing, sweating, and begging...finally, it was IN the trunk. However, the trunk? Wouldn't close. More swearing...and of course I don't have a string or anything to tie the trunk closed with...so I get an idea...I use the plastic bag to tie the trunk shut. Off we go...Little in the back seat, hanging on to the tire, afraid that the bike is going to fly out at any moment. I tried to assure him that all of the tugging and pulling and swearing that I did was exactly why the bike would NOT fly out. However, I was certain that my random shit that was in the trunk, was going to fly out and leave a Hansel and Gretal like trail on the way...
We made it home. Little rode the bike around the livingroom until the dog barked and I yelled.
Happy Birthday, Baby!!

a disclaimer

2008-03-10T22:05:00.002-04:00

Ok...so...my husband is very much a republican. Very. Much. I know...but this isn't even why we have problems...anyway...I like to think of myself as a free spirit...kind of vote on the issues, not the party...which worked out well...but a few years ago...when we were "allegedly" getting a tax credit to be mailed out, in addition to our regular tax refund...you remember...this was the first time they did it...I mockingly said "The day I receive that check in the mail is the day I become a rep." Well. Hot damn. I got that check in the mail...cashed that bitch...and came home to my husband on the couch with a voter registration form beside him. He had lovingly filled in most of it for me. I signed it...not because I wanted to be a rep...but because I am nothing if not a girl of my word. So...I am rep. In name only.
I voted for Clinton, both times...which brings me to today...He is speaking locally here tomorrow...and I am thinking seriously about taking Big to hear him speak. I think that it is important for him to be involved in current events...well...the mere mention of this has caused my husband to have heart palpitations...I am actually afraid to mention it to either my father, or my father in law, for fear of either sending them to an early grave or causing them to call children services to take the kids from me...
I just want to say...if something happens to any one of the 3...I had nothing to do with it.

Memories...

2008-03-10T21:12:00.003-04:00

I was just hanging out over at Jennsylvania...and she talked about how she got loaded up and sent an email to a friend of hers...and it reminded me of the night...not so long ago...when I was on my way to getting trashed...and sent a text to someone who might not have been the intended recipient...and then proceeded to sing karaoke (Britney-Toxic...I had been working on that...) in a NON-karaoke bar...and giving a lap dance to my son's pee wee football coach...ok...there was a reason...I wanted to know what it would take to get him to be captain for the next game...and then proceeded to do a bump and grind routine on this poor guys leg. I don't think I threw up. However, on the ride home, when I said "turn left here" I really was thinking "turn right" and proceeded to yell at my friend's husband for turning wrong...(he is less than fond of me, to this day.) The next day...after a long shower and a big cup of coffee...or 10, I got to the game, just in time to see my son standing at midfield with the coach and the other 2 captains for that game. The coach txt'd me from midfield to make sure I saw it. Yeah...momma shook her money maker...but it paid off.
It took me a while to get beyond the embarrassment. We now refer to this as the "night of the lap dance..." or "stripper Jodi"
But...hey...it worked...and frankly, I am going to have to keep my girlish figure, because I can totally see needing to pull the lap dance out for Little. Only, that will be a little bit more tricky...since I am thinking that he will need the help at school. Wonder if they would install a pole in the cafeteria?

go away

2008-03-06T20:44:00.002-05:00

go away...eye infection.
I had to go to the follow up eye appt. today...or as I am going to call it from now on, "the old bait and switch."
Gone was Dr. Hottie. In his place? Dr. Not-so-hottie. He was so mean about my eye infection. I think he really thought I was getting a kick out of having it...like I LIKED going to the eye doctor or something. (I want to know who told him...)
Anyway...Dr. NSH yelled at me...told me that my eye health is very important...and then promptly upped the antibiotic. Which had a $25 co-pay instead of $5. Plus, since he is my EYE doctor...not my PCP, he is considered out of network, so that set me back $60...plus, when I was at the drugstore waiting for my medicine, I bought chocolate easter eggs and diet coke...and a magazine...but I did take my blood pressure...(I feel like I might be 7) The whole thing irritated me.
Oh? And freakily enough? As I am waiting for my name to be called so I could pay for all this loot...I hear "Sugar free vanilla, non fat latte" which is my nickname, apparently. Turns out, the girl behind the counter at the pharmacy used to work at my favorite starbucks. Funny. And a tad bit frightening.

couple a things...

2008-03-05T20:33:00.002-05:00

If we are driving FORWARD...and you, lady in the big white SUV in front of me, decide that forward isn't working out for you and you suddenly stick it in reverse...DO NOT get bent when I flip you off and beep the horn. Just because YOU want to go backwards, does not mean I want to, as well.
If you have a tendency to fall down and get bruised on your legs/thighs, it is probably NOT a good idea to wear your micro mini with the fuck me boots and no stockings. To work.
If you WANT to wear your big furry blue boots because it is snowing out, I get that. However, I don't get why you don't immediately change out of them. You have to know how ree-dick you look.
If you want to smell like a stripper, fine by me. If you feel the need to freshen up that ever fresh stripper smell in the bathroom while I pee, that is NOT fine by me. So you know...perfume at walmart is NOT a deal.
If you want to argue with your husband/boyfriend/paperboy, that is also fine by me. If you do it while I am seated in the cube next to you, don't get mad at me because I laugh when you become enraged that he won't pick the damn dog up at the vet. Even if it IS his dog, it is still funny. (this one you might have to trust me on...)
One 7 yr old + a Yosemite Sam video + 2 plastic pistols = a scratched cornea for me. (full contact parenting is something I subscribe to)
A scratched cornea = a trip to see Dr. Hottie, the eye doctor. I know I joked about sticking a fork in my eye, but never did I dream of sticking a plastic pistol in my eye. Who knew?
A scratched cornea hurts like a mother fucker.
Add a cold and you have one unpleasant bitch.

myth busters

2008-03-02T12:59:00.003-05:00

I woke up a little early today...Sunday...so there was coffee and cinnamon rolls and cleaning and webkinz...then I decided to grocery shop...since it was still early and no one was awake here...I busted out to walmart...which I hate with all of my being...but you can get a shitload of stuff for not a shitload of money...and I am willing to compromise myself for some extra cash, yo.

The whole way driving to walmart, I kept thinking...it won't be crowded...it is early Sunday morning...no one will be there. Right. Not so much. In fact, if it is possible, MORE people were there. And, they were meaner. Clearly, these folk needed to be heading to the church...not Walmart. I don't understand why, but Walmart seems to bring the mean in people out. And. The bad in kids. Why do kids think it is ok to scream and cry on the floor at Walmart? Get your ass up. That floor is dirty. And? I don't want to hear you. So...we have mean people and screamin kids. Oh joy! Can you say where are my meds?

I cannot believe that I thought it would be less crowded on a Sunday morning. Perhaps I thought everyone was at church...but alas, I was wrong.

this close to a tantrum

2008-02-29T18:30:00.003-05:00

Today started out bad...and just continued right down that path...I woke up later than I normally do...and really? I am already late when the alarm clock goes off...it is "food day" at work. Why can't we ever have "jammy" day? or "go fuck yourself" day? Instead...we spend a whole week discussing the food day...who will bring what? how much should we bring? Where will we put it? and on and on until I want to kick the next person who sends an email that even remotely talks about food. Or days.

So. I was already in a rotten mood about food day...but since I was able to BUY my offering for food day...which allowed me to lounge on the couch and catch Survivor...I should have felt blessed.
I get to work...and oh...by the way...it started to snow on my way...which, if you are not familiar with snow, often turns to water when it lands on your head. Your head, where your hair resides. My hair is naturally curly. Part of the reason I am so late, is because I straighten it. Once the snow hit it...the top layer frizzed. Beautiful! I am late. Frizzy haired. AND going to have to deal with food day. It couldn't get any worse...so you think! But. I left the plates and forks in the car! I start the 1/2 mile trek back to get them...only to realize that they weren't in the car! OMG. Someone broke into my car and stole the PLATES! AND FORKS! Typing that, I realize how insane that sounds. Truth be told, I realized seconds after I thought it, how silly it was. Yeah, sure, someone broke into my SATURN and stole the plates and forks that I bought at the dollar store, Yo.
Ok. More hair friz. Feet cold. Co-workers annoying. GOOD TIMES!
I just felt like I was seconds away from screaming mean things that couldn't be quickly forgiven OR forgotten. So, I hid in my cube.

The good part? I happened to find a Clark's CD that I had forgotten about. Yeah. So. That is what I am doing now!

Hey Mickey!

2008-02-27T20:48:00.003-05:00

Ok...so...I have never been a dog lover. I mean, growing up, I HAD a dog for about 3 seconds. That story goes a little something like this:

We get Abby. A cocker spaniel cutie. LOVE HER! Later that month, my mother gets sick with Bell's Palsy. It is 1978 and it seems like she is in the hospital for much of that Summer. My brother and I are left with my grandparents because my mom is in Pittsburgh (an hour and a half by car at that time.) She finally comes home and my dad plans this family vacation for all of us. All of us, except Abby. Abby goes to the kennel. It is about 45 minutes from our house. We go on vacation. We come back...my brother, my dad, and I load up the station wagon to go get Abby! So excited! Abby! Yay! We get to the kennel...Abby isn't there. She apparently died while we were gone. Hindsight has me laughing...isn't that conveinient? She "died" right...just like they go live at a "farm!" Anyway...the 45 minutes home from that kennel was the longest 45 minutes of my dad's life! My brother and I cried and cried for days!

Ok....back on topic...my not being a dog person...

Tonight...Mickey was acting strange...and suddenly seemed to have a seizure. I freaked out. I started screaming! I stuck my fingers in his mouth (cause thats what you do, right?) We get me settled down. I called the vet and they would see him as an emergency...$75 plus any tests or anything...So, I haul ass in the Saturn up the hill to the vet...Probing and poking...Mickey just kinda sits there...$175 lighter...and we don't know why he had the seizure.

I don't regret taking him to the vet and spending that money. Not one little bit. I used to think that you could love your new dog just as much as you loved your old dog...and that someone who pays thousands of dollars for their pet was nuts. Now? I might be nuts myself!! I also just might be a dog lover....

The freakin weeken

2008-02-24T08:39:00.003-05:00

Sunday morning...and I am realizing that I am a freakshow. Or at the very least, I have issues. I have a weekend coffee cup. It is from Starbucks. Yellow, red, and orange...with flowers. It is the perfect size. I get really crabby if it isn't clean. And by crabby, I mean that I stomp around and wash it BY HAND. Yes. crazy. I also like cinnamon rolls. Hot and fresh from the oven. Both days. with my coffee. in my cup. And you know I load up the cinnamon roll that I plan to eat with extra icing. Yeah. A perk of being the mom!
I justify my love for the cinnamon roll by telling myself that a portion of the money I spend on these, goes to my sons school. (we collect box tops) Logically, I could just kick them 20 cents/weekend and call it a day. My ass would probably be thankful. But I love the rolls.
And speaking of yummy, delicious things that I love...I was at the eye doctor yesterday. MMM...How wrong is it that I love him and sometimes think of sticking things into my eye, just to go and see him. Can you imagine the convo? him: "So, how did this happen?" me: "I don't know! The fork just went into my eye." him "This is the third time this week you have had a fork in your eye, maybe you should use a spoon?" Ok. So a fork in the eye might not answer my prayers. But he is delicious! Tall. Smells good. He actually takes his life into his own hands by wearing cologne and asking me to sit close to him and stare at his ear. How about we just make out instead? It is just a good thing he isn't my gynecologist.

Speaking of that...I also saw her this week. This will confirm your suspicions that I am whack...I have my annual eye exam and annual gyno appt. all set up for the same month that my car needs inspected. I never forget. Anyway...the gyno is new. She is a she. I like her. She didn't buy me drinks before she saw my girly parts, but neither did a lot of boys I went to college with, so I can't really complain. She did take a mean sample of my cervix. It was as though she had something against it. I guess that is good...
I am back in the swing of things. Saw the couples therapist last week, see my shrink this week...by Friday, I will have seen 6 doctors in 2 weeks. And I am not even in full on hypochondriac mode. Love me. Love my quirks.

karma...she isn't my friend today!

2008-02-17T16:43:00.003-05:00

Hello, Karma? It's me...chicken...yeah, yeah, right...I know...but really? A sore throat, too? Is it not enough that I am cultivating a second bellybutton? Or that you could keep small change in said second bellybutton? But now? I have a sore throat. Thanks. I am off to drown myself in tea and vicks....because I am 80.

Both Big and I have this cold. I can only take Tylenol...cold/sinus/whatever...and Big can take whatever the fuck I give him...and he does...usually, though, it is with much complaining and face making and often he spills more of it than he drinks which results in some yelling. (I do the yelling, not him...)
I finished the last of the Tylenol last night...and today asked C to go to the store for some more and also some cough drops. Seems relatively simple, right? Tylenol cold...nothing special...cough drops...also, nothing special.
He comes back with Superduper deluxe Tylenol with rapid release. And Cold EEZE. I guess in hindsight, being what it is and all, I should have know he would fuck this up. <3 TLA. So...I have to get dressed and return everything that he bought. I can't take rapid release....and Cold EEZE scares me. There are a lot of warnings on it...and frankly, it isn't a cough drop. This is the man, who went sent to the drug store 2 days after our baby was born, with a detailed list that included Nipple cream, Preperation H, and pads...came home with a candy bar, some vaseline, and a box of tampons. Yes. He is very handy to have around. Also, there was a Sports Illustrated...you know, to prove he is a man...lest someone think that the tampons were actually for him.?
I am probably just sick...you know...I am not usually this bitchy...
HAHAHAHA...that makes my side hurt from laughing!!

Oh...and if you know why my spell checker isn't working and want to fix it, I would appreciate that...otherwise, I have to stick to words I am certain of how to spell, and frankly, that limits me!

Dear Starbucks

2008-02-15T09:55:00.001-05:00

Dear Starbucks,
Hi! Remember me? I was your customer of the week about a month ago? I have been coming in to see you every single weekday for the last year and a half? You have to remember me! Well...I was away for a little while...sick for 4 weeks. You didn't ask about me. You didn't send flowers. You didn't even seem to miss me. I spend close to $4/day with you...factor that over the course of the last 18 months, and you get a new car.
I came back on Wednesday, but you didn't seem to notice. I know you have some new friends working there...and I don't expect them to recognize me right away. But the old friends, they seem to have all but forgotten about me. You used to remember my drink. I could walk in, pay, and pick it up...all in the span of a minute. Now? I have to SAY my drink and WAIT for it. That is pure crap. Also, you need to tell that little barista that SKINNY VANILLA LATTE means sugar free, non fat. Those are YOUR rules, not mine. And tell her not to give me crap when I send it back. I order it that way for a reason. If I wanted someone else to decide how I wanted it, I would just say "Make me whatever the fuck you want." Then I would have no reason to bitch. But I didn't say that, so I am bitching.
I am sad that our relationship is coming to this. There was a time when I didn't think that I could live without you. Seriously. But being out and having you not ask about me? That hurt. Clearly, I can be replaced. My $4 is just a drop in your bucket, I guess.
I'll still be around...just not as often. Please don't call me, I can't talk to you right now.
Customer of the week,
Jodi

Update...

2008-02-12T18:49:00.000-05:00

Remember when I posted earlier...how the first line went something like "I love my kids?"

Yeah, scratch that, please. I am going to kill them both and bury them in the basement under the pile of laundry that never gets done.
Also? Their friend? Is only adding to the annoyance. If she doesn't watch her back, she'll be joining them under the laundry.
Really? Handstands in the livingroom? WTF???

Also? C? You're coasting on my last nerve as well...that spot under the laundry is big enough for all 4 of your asses.

XO

just for today...

2008-02-12T13:01:00.001-05:00

I love my children!
Here is what I heard at 8:30 this morning...

Little: Mom! MOM! It's 8:30...we're late for school! Mom! MOOOOOM!
Me: Baby, look out the window...
Little: SNOW DAY! BOO YAH!

So...they are both home on this, my last day of sick leave/disability. At first I was a little mad, I mean, this is my last day off. I have to go back to work tomorrow...but then I realized...I kinda like spending time with them...I mean...don't tell them that, but I do. We made cinnamon rolls for breakfast...they watched cartoons...I nodded off on the couch. Around 10:30, there were requests for going outside. Around 11, they were ready and dressed to go...their outfits were a bit mismatched...but they seemed ok with it. As I closed the door behind them, I yelled "I'm locking the door. You're out for an hour!!" They were out for 2! I took pictures of their pink cheeks and cute faces! Even the terror boy down the block looked cute (til he opened his mouth, of course...) I'll post them later!

I made Stuffed Pepper soup for dinner...hot chocolate with marshmallows and pizza rolls for lunch...funny how I am coming to like being home, just as I am heading back to work.

Another funny? The boys have discovered "Ernest" as in "Ernest goes to camp" or "Ernest joins the Army" or some shit like that. I can remember when Ernest came out...I didn't like him then...and apparently, absence does not make the heart grow fonder, because I don't like him now, either. The boys? Think he is the funniest thing ever! They hoot and giggle! It is cute...even if Ernie is annoying!

Big: to little "You smell like rotten pierogies."
Little: "Yeah? well if someone was going to eat you, they would die from your stench."
Big: "Rotten pierogies"
Little: "Sweaty Betty."

They are wrestling now...and I could sit here all day and listen to them...and laugh and quote and have a blast.
This is a good way to spend my last day off!

BRRRR...

2008-02-11T12:27:00.000-05:00

Hi. It's cold here.
That is all.

Last night the weather folk were talking about how cold it was going to be this morning and how a lot of schools were calling in 2 hour delays already. This was at like 6pm. So. Big takes it upon himself to sit at the computer, with the news website pulled up, hitting refresh every 10 seconds, to see if his school has a 2 hour delay. This continued until bedtime. Our district did not call in a 2 hour delay before 9pm. Yes. 3 hours he spent sitting in front of the computer, hitting refresh, yelling out the new number of schools that HAD called in a 2 hour delay. At first it was annoying. Then it became comical. The number started at like 49 and was well over 300 when he went to bed. He was sure they were playing a joke on him. All the OTHER schools in our area had 2 hour delays, what was up with ours? I couldn't stop laughing...under my breath...
They did have a 2 hour delay. It was called in around 11!
And...damn is it cold.

A blast from the past...

2008-02-09T16:35:00.000-05:00

I bought one of those speaker things for my old MP3 player...the one I bought for my husband for our 10th wedding anniversary 3 years ago...when he was in Iraq...then fell in love with it...and went out and bought myself one, too...cause that is how I roll...
Anywhoodle...I don't listen to it much anymore...we have the itunes on the computer...and the ipod for the car...but this is old skool MP3. This was loaded up before kazaa crashed our old computer. Before I cared about illegally downloading music...this has ALL KINDA music on it!
No one is home...the music is blasting...Harvey Danger...Flagpole Sitta! OMG! Dynamite Hack? Boyz in da Hood...Love their remake!
You name it...it is on there! LOVE IT!
Son of a gun...you're so vain! Meatloaf...you took the words right out of my mouth...some Eminem...God I love him! And...50cent. Remind me sometime to tell you the story of how I have a raging crush on fiddy and xzibit. I pink puffy heart pimp my ride! In fact...I have a picture taken with the dudes from West Coast Customs...from a tradeshow that I went to in Vegas one year! WOOT.
We can even slow it down for a couples skate with some Lionel Richie...I'm taking requests...I've got the Band...Up on Cripple Creek or even some Garth Brooks? Johnny Cash? You name it! Eddie Money...anything from Tom Petty...admittedly, he has seen better days than the Superbowl...but he rocked it. My senior year in high school...I dated a guy 4 years older (yea that makes him 22...so? he could get beer.) anyway, he looked just like Tom Petty. That was when I did the burnout phase. The whole sneak out of the house to ride on his motorcycle...(Bethany you better not tell my mother...) Anyway...wonder if that is what Doug looks like? Good thing he got back together with his wife and we broke up...I think waking up next to that might frighten me a bit!
Next up...Erasure...A Little Respect! Can you say Friday night getting ready song? My bangs just grew 6 inches listening to it!
VanHalen...Whitesnake...Europe...Dude. I am going to get the Camero out of storage and go for a ride...

Conversations with a 6 year old

2008-02-04T07:45:00.001-05:00

Admittedly, we are watching too much tv these days. Whatever.

Little: Mom! CAN WE?
Me: Can we what?
Little: Nickelodian is setting sail!
Me: What?
Big: There is a Nickelodian cruise...you know on a boat. (yeah. cause I am that retarded.)
Me: Oh.
Little: So. CAN WE?
Me: Oh baby, no.
Little: PLEASE! All the characters are going to be there.
Me: I don't think so...
Big: GINGER is going to be there.

Remind me to tell you about my obsession with Ginger. As Told by Ginger was my FAVORITE Nick toon ever. Ah the good old days.

Me: Nice try...but the answer is still no. (although, secretly, I considered it!)

random sunday

2008-02-03T13:36:00.000-05:00

I just got back from the grocery store...started dinner...Little wanted meatball sandwiches for dinner. I indulge him, because he is often very picky. He is on a 7 year "pasta hiatus" his words, not mine. He'll eat meatballs, but not pasta. He will eat hot dogs. He loves my vegetable soup and my stuffed pepper soup, yet often won't eat chicken nuggets. Only peanut butter for him, no jelly, please. His favorite sandwich to carry in his lunch is bologna and pepperoni. I have no idea where he came up with the combo, but he loves it. Last night before bed, he asked me to buy him strawberries at the grocery store. He is so sweet...in such a crazy way. He reminds me of myself.
All 3 of the boys are at my in laws. It's quiet here.

Big's team won their basketball game yesterday. He had 5 points and 7 rebounds. He is a whole head taller than everyone on his team, yet is only growing into his arms and legs now. It is cute and painful to watch him dribble up the court.

I went to Starbucks on the way to the grocery store and ran into McStarbucks. Isn't that weird? It wasn't even the same Starbucks that I normally see him at. He was with his 2 1/2 year old daughter. Perhaps the sweetest little girl ever! I love my boys and don't want any more kids, but sometimes I wish I had a little girl. That is selfish, I know. I have 2 very well adjusted, healthy boys. How dare I ask for more. She was sweet, though. Her name is Zoe. We laughed when I commented on how I have no pink in my life...apparently, her favorite color is orange. She hates to wear pink.

I talked to a friend from high school, too. She lives in Cleveland. We see each other about 2xs/year and maybe talk on the phone every few months. I bet we have been friends for close to 30 years. That is weird to think about. No matter how long it has been since we talked last, we spend at least 10 minutes giggling about high school boyfriends. Wonder if that will ever change? We both have a bad habit of googling them or catching bits of information from our moms, who both still live in the town we grew up in. Once, I actually CALLED the work # listed on the internet for my 10th grade boyfriend. 10th grade. That was oh, about 100 years ago. He didn't answer, so I hung up. Good to see that I have matured since the 10th grade. I dream about him randomly. He was my first true love. As true of a love that you can have when you are 16 and making out in the back of his parents Suburban behind the high school. We went out for my entire 10th grade year, he was a senior. I went to his senior prom. We broke up later that May. We dated again when I was a senior. I can't remember why we broke up, but I do know that I was cheating on him. I remember saying "I don't ever want to see you again." And...I haven't. I suppose I should be more careful when I say that.

Speaking of that...I have one aquaintence...who had a big problem with alcohol. He was in rehab and had been sober for almost a year. I can't confirm this, because I can only go by what he told me...I remember telling him that if he decided to drink again, that I wouldn't be able to be his friend. I think that I thought that would mean enough for him to never drink again. (who thinks a lot of herself?) I haven't talked to him since the end of July. He was drinking then and I have to believe that he is still drinking now. I have no idea how he is doing. I know that I couldn't be sucked into the drama again, but that doesn't mean that I don't wonder how he is. I am just too damn stubborn to find out.

It is still quiet here and I think I am going to take a nap. Why not? I have nothing more to do!!

How can anyone...

2008-02-01T20:50:00.001-05:00

Live in a part of the country where a trip to Whole Foods involves mapquest and a day trip? We do.
Oh and that is not all. Trader Joe's? The same. I am actually thinking that we could set out early some Saturday and hit both stores and be home in time for Law and Order.

I remember when we got a Starbucks in our county. Yeehaw. They opened the first one in Target. When they opened Target...lord have mercy...you would have thought they discovered electricity too. We have 2 Starbucks in our county...both are within 1/2 mile of each other. I don't understand that...

Walmart was another story. We got one of them a long time ago...then they upgraded it to include food...hot damn, it is the big time! I swear, even at Christmas time, when the parking lots at Walmart are so full people are just jumping out of their cars wherever they please, you can go to Target, shop, check out, grab a Starbucks, and still have time to spare over what you would spend at Walmart. It makes no sense to me.

The thing we do have? A church near by where the old Polish grammas make pierogies every Friday. Normally, I only get to partake in the pierogie fest in the Summer...at street fairs. But. Thanks to my colon-ectomy, I enjoyed me a little potato pillow of love for lunch. Granted, it made me sick and I slept the afternoon away...but damn was it yummy.

2 somethings funny.

2008-01-29T13:16:00.000-05:00

One is from when I was in the hospital and one is from the walk that I took with the dog. Neither are very funny, I suppose.

My stay at the hospital was eventful, to say the least. There were some really super nice nurses and various staff...and there were some not so really super nice nurses...that is to be expected, I suppose. Regardless, on Thursday, the day after the surgery, I am greeted by a large African American man, who is a nurses aid. I am sure he gets a lot of requests for a different nurse, simply because he was so big and so dark. I have had two kids and frankly don't care who sees my girly parts. If this guy could get my ass out of bed, then have at it! I will not go into any more detail, but at some point, I realized that I had this very same guy as my nurses aid when I was in the hospital 2 years ago. So, making conversation, I said as much to him. It went a little like this...(picture a lead balloon...)
Me: Hey, how long have you worked on this floor?
Him: Me? Oh a few years, why?
Me: I was here about 2 years ago, and I think you helped me then.
Him: Hmmm...could be, you remember that long ago?
Me: I have a pretty good memory...
**What I wanted to say was...a white girl like me can count on ONE finger the number of big black guys who have seen her naked. You tend to not forget these things. I giggled to myself the rest of the day.

Funny (less than funny) #2.
Dog. Walk. Me.
We haven't been on a walk together in at least 2 weeks. This was a quick trip around the block. NO!? I swear he peed on EVERY tree from our house all the way around the block. There isn't a tree we didn't mark. Take that bitches. We are back.
Of course, he is sleeping now. That walk was a bitch.

My stitches...

2008-01-29T10:32:00.000-05:00

itches...

and my eyebrows need a fuckin pluckin.

How did I go to hell in a hand basket so fast? I have caterpillars on my face, my skin is a mess...not acne, but just not normal. My hair needs cut...oh, and yesterday, I may have burned it on the stove when I was making tea. I don't know. Don't ask.

The good things are, that I am showered and ready to leave the house and it is only 10:30am! Little and I are making brownies when he comes home from school, so I have to go to the store and get the brownie stuff. I am enjoying hanging out with the kids when they get home. Last night, Little came and got into bed with me, snuggled down and watched tv. I will miss this when I go back to school.

Well...off to the store. Maybe a Starbucks, if I have $ in my purse. I don't really know if I do or not!?!

Raindrops on roses...

2008-01-26T16:35:00.001-05:00

Tori...and I know, I have to fix the link...shut up, I had my colon removed for cryin out loud...had a post about her favorite things...and I LOVE all things Tori...(SuperSunshine on a stick...if you don't know her!) So...I thought I would take a minute to do some of my favorite things...

In no particular order...with no particular punctuation (which annoys Tori...but SmoochKiss anyway!):

*Snuggles...unexpected snuggles from the Little one...accompanied by confessions of his love and the fear that he had while I was in the hospital. He has been extra "squishy" these days. I'll take a sore belly any day, if it comes with extra "squishy."
*DKNY jeans...I can't tell you why...but my ass looks INCREDIBLE in those bad boys! And? $30 at Macy's. Well. $30 the last time I was AT Macy's, which has been a while...more DKNY love, Red delicious...is my favorite perfume!
*Champion yoga pants from Target. Simply the most comfortable pair of pants ever. I have them in gray only, because if I bought them in black, I know for a fact I would try to pass them off as work appropriate! If you don't own them, buy them!
*Waking up in the middle of the night...KNOWING that it has snowed, before you throw back the curtain to confirm. There is something so still about a fresh snow...figure out how to bottle it and there wouldn't be nearly as much stress.
*Friends that you haven't talked to in months...who hear about your recent adventure and call you. And send flowers. And make you laugh so hard that you have to threaten to hang up because your belly hurts. Everyone should have a friend like that. A friend whose couch you could lay on and laugh with. A friend who knows all about your past...and shares most of it with you!
*Friends that you don't talk to very often, but who text you when they hear of your recent adventure. A random text from a friend can be more healing than anything else. A hug from your phone, if you will!
*Dogs who snore louder than you. I am listening to the Gizz snoring right now...and he was at my inlaws the last week and a half, so to have him here, snoring away...makes me happy!
*Coffee. Skinny Vanilla Latte's make things better.
*My Grandmother. I talked to her today and her 87year old ass told me that if I don't get better by the time she gets home she is going to get me. I am a little bit afraid! She is in Fla with my favorite Aunt and Uncle...and seems to be having a blast! There was a smile in her voice as she told me about what she has been doing the last 2 weeks. I pray that when I am 87, I will be living my life that same exact way. She told me that she prays for me every day (good thing, eh?) and I am pretty sure God is a little bit afraid of her, too! She has given me advice over the years. Much has gone in one ear and out the other...but a few things have stuck around...one thing she told me was that "living well is the best revenge..." Amen Gram! Amen!
*My Kate Spade handbag. It was the best birthday present I could ever have given myself!!
*My friend Cheryl, who knows when to hold em...knows when to fold em...I love to be ghetto with her...If I have to be ghetto...I'll be glad to do it with her!
*My 800 thread count sheets. Shut up. They were way on sale. They are the single most comfortable thing EVER! The thread count makes the difference.
*The movie "That Touch of Mink" with Doris Day. Really...any Doris Day movie is alright with me...I don't think of myself so much as Doris, but I love her movies! And...Carey Grant...momma mia! Fire up the time machine...I want to go back to when men were just like him...mmmmm...
*Another favorite movie...The Shawshank Redemption. Sheer determination. Nothing more.
*All things Benefit...I used to be much more of a "bene-babe" but at $3something a gallon for gas, we have to make choices!
*My neighbors...the sweetest family! 3 girls and a boy under the age of 5 and she still has my son in to play. She came over last night to check my situation...and was just the absolute sweetest woman I know!

That should be all for now...I am sure there are more, but I need to lie down!!

Nothing a little lipstick can't fix

2008-01-26T16:15:00.000-05:00

LORD! I am on the verge of crazy! I had not left the house since the 16th...aside from that stint at work...and then the ride home from the hospital on the 21st...so you can imagine...CRAZY! I am up to here with daytime tv, except for Ellen...LOVE ELLEN...she is some funny shit...otherwise...daytime tv sucks! In case you didn't know...Patch and Kayla are back on Days of Our Lives. I probably haven't watched DOOL since sophomore year in college? However, the characters? All the same.
Anyway...yesterday, when Merv Griffin's Crossword show came on, I thought that was going to be it for me...and frankly, if I could have, I would have put on my shoes and headed for the bridge.

Today...I SWORE was going to be different! I got up this morning...took a shower, used my best hair gunk...I was going to leave the house, belly pain be damned! And, I was going to look good doing it! I mean, if I passed out, at least I would look good, right? I even put on jeans...which I am happy/sad to report are now too big. I have faith that I will be able to grow back into them!! This colon thing can't last too long, right?

The plan was to go to the Hallmark store for webkinz (both Big and Little got good report cards...) and then the grocery store, and then Burger King. The revised plan went to the Hallmark store and Wendy's...then home to the couch! But I got out! Of the HOUSE! YAY! Let's see what tomorrow brings!

Where is my bellybutton?

2008-01-22T11:26:00.001-05:00

Ok...so the brief overview of where I have been and what I was doing...
I am a special agent and have been on assignment.
Or, I have been in the hospital after having emergency surgery to remove my appendix (so sad...we have been together forever.) and also some of my colon.
Now, we all know that one sounds much better than the other, and given my history, it is the hospital one. Yes. I have been in the hospital for 6 days. I have been in a lot of pain. A LOT. I have been taking pain killers to try and make that pain go away. Today is the first day I have felt even remotely well enough to be out of bed. My whole life is a crazy mess right now...but that is for another day...the big question at hand is...Where did my belly button go? There is a bandage over it. I am changing the bandage later today and will check...but can they TAKE belly buttons? Mine was a weird subject for me. It was a love/hate relationship. I will certainly miss it. Just like my boy, appendix. When I DROVE MY SELF TO THE HOSPITAL...I never dreamed that I would be missing 2 very important pieces of anatomy. Yeah. The colon is important too, and no, I don't have a colostomy bag...boy, would we have bigger issues if I did, huh?
I took a perc about an hour ago...and am getting drowsy...but have many things to talk about. My roommate. The lady across the hall who apparently thought that GOD is at the end of the call bell. The lady that works for "Room service" which is apparently this hospitals take on the cafeteria. (FYI, room service? Is for places like that Waldorf or something...NOT hospital cafeteria food.)
The mean nurse. KARMA is a bitch, lady...and I am a bigger bitch...we're both coming after you!!

Much more...but I need to lay down!!
XO...

Busted at the Costco

2008-01-16T09:25:00.000-05:00

At work we have a pretzel container...full of pretzels ( I know, right?) We seem to take turns buying the pretzels...I say seem to, because frankly, I just thought that the pretzel fairy brought them when I was sleeping. I was mistaken. So, yesterday...after having to stick my hand way too far into the barrel, I decided to buy the next round. The dilemma is that the pretzels come from Costco. You need to "belong" to Costco. I don't "belong" anywhere. This normally isn't a problem, many friends and co workers belong...and I just go along with them when I need something. Yesterday, no one was up for a random Costco trip. I ended up borrowing my cousin Aimee's card. Aimee and I don't look alike. Who knew that would be a big deal! So...I go...browse the aisles of Costco...wishing I had a disposable income large enough to afford the $1500 leather 3 piece recliner...and plucking the pretzels from the shelf. I have 2 large pretzel barrels, one under each arm...and I am off to check out. I am nervous, what with the illegal card and all. But she rings it up and things are almost done...I even make small talk with the lady working with her. Pretzels are paid for...I am so close to being done...and then the cashier turns the card over. BUSTED. She looks at the picture. She looks at me. Picture. Me. Now, to be fair, my cousin doesn't even look like this picture any more, but I look NOTHING like it. Her? Curly hair. Me? Not so much. The cashier, what a nice lady she was, says "Is this your card?" Well. We both know it isn't. But really, all that I needed to say was "yes" and I could have been home free. But what ensues is really, the height of my retardedness.
Her: "Is this your card?"
Me: hangs head "no"
Her: Looks to other lady, as if to say "WTF? Couldn't she lie, so we can let her go? What an asshole."
Me: "I mean, YES! YES! That is my card."
Other lady: "The card is non-transferable." hands me the card.

What a dumb ass I am. And, when did I become so honest? It pains me to think that there might be more of this in the future.

Something more fun...

2008-01-14T13:22:00.001-05:00

DSC02741
Originally uploaded by sweetpeas123

I read Cheaper than Therapy...Shout out to Ali!! And she talks about this site...Workitmom.com and I have been checking it out...and decided to give it a whirl. One thing they do over there at Work it...is post pics of what they are wearing today...and frankly, I cannot get enough of myself...and figure, why keep me to myself...why not share? So...go over to work it (if I were smart, I am not, I would link that site, as well as Cheaper than Therapy's site as well.)
and check things out.

True Dat

2008-01-14T11:05:00.000-05:00

I have just realized something about myself...as I was bitching to a friend about how my day started out so suckily...and how it continues to go steadily down hill...yes. You see. I woke up a little late this morning...no biggie...but that puts everything else behind...which sometimes puts my morning trip to Starbucks in jeopardy...and we can't have that! So...I get to Starbucks...no big deal...I am leaving...and this woman comes flying around the corner in her Audi. Hello? PEDESTRIAN...But she doesn't seem fazed by the fact that I am attempting to cross. Bitch. So...I get in my car...and am leaving...and isn't that bitch attempting to CROSS? Ah Karma! Sometimes you are so quick. And basically, I shifted into 2nd...gave her a look that said "Just try it bitch..." and rolled right on by. Yes. I AM 8. I know. Work brings a 9am meeting that I am so unprepared for...with my boss...then, after realizing that I was hungry...I went to mooch pretzels from JB...and my friend said "OOH...the slit in your skirt is ripped." Yeah! I was going for TRAMP today, so clearly, I was successful! Then...upon further inspection, I realized that I put on OLD stockings...ones with a run in the upper thigh...that you can see EVERY TIME I TAKE A STEP. So...CHEAP AND TRAMPY? Your table is ready.
So...what I realized is...that I think if I had a job and the only requirement for this job was to soak in the sun ALL DAY LONG. I would find something to bitch about. Yep. Cause that is how I roll.

Who Rocks the HAT?

2008-01-13T09:35:00.001-05:00

DSC02740
Originally uploaded by sweetpeas123

Can I pull this off? I messed with the coloring of the picture, but I really like the hat...I bought it on sale at Target, so if it really looks bad, tell me. I am only out $4.88. My family made fun of it.

who didn't shower?

2008-01-12T16:01:00.000-05:00

Can't get you out of my head...

2008-01-09T11:05:00.001-05:00

"Baby you can drive my car....yes I'm gonna be a star..." I do have to admit. I didn't know the EXACT lyrics...but I can't stop singing that song. I have no idea where it came from...but GAH! LEAVE ALREADY!

That is all.

OH MAH GAW!

2008-01-08T14:01:00.001-05:00

So...I stole this little quiz over at the Ninjapoodles...and...frankly, I can't get my head around it. It doesn't seem right to me...I can see Obama...but WOW! Anyway...here are my results...

86% Hillary Clinton
84% John Edwards
84% Barack Obama
78% Joe Biden
78% Chris Dodd
71% Bill Richardson
61% Mike Gravel
58% Dennis Kucinich
50% Rudy Giuliani
46% John McCain
41% Tom Tancredo
40% Mitt Romney
36% Mike Huckabee
24% Fred Thompson
10% Ron Paul

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz">

the breakup

2008-01-07T19:46:00.000-05:00

So. Remember how I talked about my boyfriend, Gym? And how nice he was about wanting me back? And how we were getting back together...and he promised me that it would be ok? Well. That lying bastard! I went to his place today after work. I was looking so cute. I was having the best hair day, EVAH. My fancy Kate Spade bag and my pearls. Lord was I adorable. So...I get to his place and his friend John was there. John is real nice. He is the one who really wanted Gym and I to get back together. He practically facilitated the whole thing! So. Gym and I start...we get a little warm up going. It was like we hadn't been apart. God how I missed him. Then...things started to heat up. He was making my legs shake. Yes, Gym, I missed you...but go easy on a girl...I was sweating. (It was at this point, I noticed in the mirror that I was still wearing my pearls.) This getting back together was harder than I thought.
When it was over, and we were on the floor, for the cool down, I realized that I didn't miss Gym all that much after all.
On the way out of his place, I had to stop at the store. I hate the grocery store by his place...but I had to go there. I nearly cried with every step. I must have looked pretty pathetic in line, because the little old man in front of me moved his order up, so I could put mine down. I think he heard me whimpering in the produce aisle.
God, Gym. Tomorrow I will be using the handicap stall in the bathroom because of you. I sometimes wish you would hold me when it is over.

Went to the movie alone...

2008-01-07T08:57:00.001-05:00

Saturday night...I was not in the mood to watch the Steeler game...I was not in the mood to sit and knit...I wanted to see PS I love you. I read the book about 800 times...and really, really wanted to see the movie. I knew I couldn't get my husband to go with, and frankly, I didn't want to see it with him. If I had to pick one friend in the world to see it with, I would have picked Tracy, but since she lives 5 hours from here, that was out of the question...so I went to see it alone. I am not weird about being alone. I have eaten in restaurants alone. Stayed at hotels alone. So, it was cool. Anyway...The movie was amazing. I loved Hilary Swank. And? Gerard Butler? HELLLOOO...come to momma!
I am glad that I went alone. It is an "alone" kinda movie. Although...I had to stop myself from searching for a message from Kathy Bates.

fun with republicans

2008-01-06T10:44:00.000-05:00

My husband is very Republican. Cried when Reagan died. Loves the first Bush. You know...that kind. Know in advance, that I am not looking for anyone to tell me their political views, because frankly, I don't care. I am merely telling you this story for amusement....if it gets you in a tizzy, DO NOT ask about the time I sold my vote for $600. It is a good one...but you know.
Anyway...so...we have Republican husband watching Fox News. I swear he sees those Fox women naked when he watches, because that HAS to be the only reason he watches so much! He yells out to me..."So. Who do you like in the election?" After pretending a few times that I was unaware there was an election at hand (yeah. I am SOO FUNNY) I walk into the living room. I look at him and say "I really like Hilary. I like what she stands for, I think a woman SHOULD be president. Plus. Her husband is hot." OOOH! If you could have seen his face! I know he didn't believe me...but I do think that he had some doubts! Mentioning the "C" word in our house (Clinton...please...) is never a good thing. But. Seriously...He had to ask me again, if I was kidding!! HEE HEE. I love to mess with the Republicans. And he is such an easy target.
My real answer completely depends on who gets the actual nod from each party. I really thought that I liked Fred Thompson...admittedly, I think he is awesome on tv...I can't get on board with the Huckabee express. So, we'll see. Options seem limited...and it sucks to have to vote for the lesser of the two evils.

I think I will go and remind my husband that I voted for Clinton, TWICE! That always gets his blood pressure up!! HEE HEE.

Spam email and the penis.

2008-01-04T09:47:00.000-05:00

Oh boy. So. lately, I have been cleaning out my email. Especially at work...because frankly, it gets clogged way too easily. Basically, cleaning the email goes like this...is the email more than a month old? Delete. Well...the good folks at gmail make it quite easy for one to never clean out their email/gmail. And. they also have a lovely spam filter. Much crap gets filed into the spam folder. I never look in there. Because it is spam. Not the meat.
Well. I looked in there.
Apparently, the word on the street is that I have a very small penis. And that I am worried about this small penis. And that I want some help with my very small penis. Every single email in that spam folder was regarding my small penis. It seems that there are some heavy duty products out there for those with a small penis. (5 small penis mentions thus far.) I don't know about you, but I don't think that I would be putting too much stock in the fact that all it takes for a bigger penis is a few clicks of the mouse. (there is a joke there...somewhere...I just can't find it.) I think my favorite subject line is the one that promises "Your huge boner will impress her in the new year." Because everyone knows that a chick with a huge boner is impressive, right? I get that these ads are geared more toward those with the penis, and not so much me...but I am fearful for the men out there looking to the internet for help with their small penis problem.
How does ones name get on the small penis email distribution list? More importantly, how does it get removed? Does someone who may be in possession of a smaller-ish penis recognize this? Does he know it is small...or is that the only one he has ever seen...thus having nothing to compare it to? I mean, I don't go checking out other woman's vajajays...for reference. Is one offended by the email?
Is the small penis market flooded with opportunity? or is it a small market? hehehe. Regardless. If you are looking for information, for a friend, of course, I have all kinda email about the small penis...and may your huge boner impress her in the new year...(that should be on a greeting card.)

day 3-izzle

2008-01-03T21:52:00.000-05:00

My name is Little...and I am a trouble maker!

I'm the boss over here...and no one forget it!

So much alike, it isn't funny...

Superman

2008-01-02T21:02:00.001-05:00

me too!

2008-01-02T21:00:00.003-05:00

we're all playing

2008-01-02T21:00:00.001-05:00

365 day 2

2008-01-02T20:59:00.001-05:00

Hi! And...right out of the gate you get a jammy pic! The top of the head pony tail is just an added bonus! I made sure it was extra fluffy...just for you!

Ode to Magalicious!

2008-01-02T09:10:00.001-05:00

DSC02709
Originally uploaded by sweetpeas123

I doubt that I could love this picture more! These two have been friends since the day she came home from the hospital! Our sweet Magalicious! Magadoodle...the Magster...I still remember, like it was yesterday, it was summertime...the kids had been playing all day...and it was just getting dark. Baths were starting...Big was upstairs taking a bath...Mags was at her house taking a bath...the Dads were in charge of bathing...the next thing you know...the front door opens, Mags comes running out...BARE NAKED...down the steps and down the sidewalk, and straight into our house...up the steps, and into the bath with Big! It was the funniest thing we had ever seen!
I have many more memories...I have enjoyed painting your toes...and giggling with you...and playing dress up.
You moved away at a time when I couldn't miss you...But I do! I miss my girl. We have always said that you and Big would marry. I am afraid it probably won't happen...but I can dream!

uhm doin it...

2008-01-01T10:22:00.000-05:00

I am going to attempt to do the 365 thing that all the cool kids talk about! I got the email from the people that think these things up...and it sounded like fun. I am also debating right now if I should start a new blog just for that...I am only thinking this way because Big wants in on the fun. You see, at my moms this weekend, she gave me a baby picture of Big, when he was 6 months old. The picture made me cry. Which made him cry. Which reminded him of the post I did for him for his birthday and how he bothered me for weeks after to "write another story about me." He wasn't buying my "But baby, your life story is still being written." Nope. He wanted me to write memories down. So. We talked about the "Picture a day for a year" thing and then I got the idea to do the blog a day for a year, as well. I think it could be fun. Or not. I mean, not much goes on in these parts. We'll have to see how it pans out! If I decide to go with the separate blog...I'll let you both know!
I am going to download pics from last night...and I might even make a resolution. Be sure that it will revolve around vitamins and exercise and not being nicer to others. We need attainable here, people!

Reunited...and it feels so good...

2007-12-22T21:44:00.000-05:00

God, I loves me some Peaches and Herb!
So I used to have this boyfriend...his name was Gym. We dated for about a year. It was an awesome time...we saw each other 3-5 times a week...never really overdoing it, it was nice. He made me feel like I hadn't felt in such a long time. Just good all over, yo. And things were amazing. Then, I started to get all "I don't know if this is going to work out..." and then it started to feel like he was almost suffocating me...with his "Be here Mon, Wed, and Fri at 5:15...don't be late...no one likes a late girl..." I mean, for a year, I followed his every word...but then it hit me...I didn't think I needed him.
At first, I only cheated on him...you know...I would be all bitchy and not show up at his place for like a week...and honestly, when I would roll back in there...he would be alright. I mean, he was a little tough on me, but nothing I couldn't handle...but then, it was over. I just couldn't keep up with him any longer...he was all cool...I mean, he called a couple of times to see where I was...if I was ok, but life went on.
Well...I tried to find a suitable replacement for him. But really, nothing compares to Gym. I spent a lot of nights walking...and that helped me a little bit, but I need him.
So...I am slinking back to him on Wednesday. I talked to him already about this...he is fine with things. We can just pick up where we left off. I just couldn't find a better deal than him...we go at it hard and heavy for an hour, 3-5 times/week (I decide how often...) When it is over? He doesn't cuddle or want to spoon...and he even lets me shower at his place. What was I thinking trying to leave him? This man is a keeper!!

My son is an ass man

2007-12-20T09:41:00.000-05:00

It has been determined that Big is an ass man.
I have determined this...and while it makes him mad that I even say ASS, it is true.

When he was in 3rd grade, I had to break it to him gently that he wouldn't be able to sing in the 3rd grade talent show. After much discussion, I promised him that he would thank me someday, when he was older, and someones mom busted out the 3rd grade talent show video and he was embarrassed beyond belief. The song he wanted to sing? Fat Bottomed Girls. Yes. Everyone loves a good Queen song in the 3rd grade! This is argument #1 that he is an ass man.

Argument #2 is that he will randomly bust out with the lyrics to "Baby got back" And by lyrics, I mean "I like big butts and I cannot lie..." Yep. That is my ass man.

Argument # 3 came last night when on the radio came the song with the lines " she turned around and gave that big booty a slap." What is with the ass lyrics?

I guess being an ass man in the 4th grade is about all you can be. I mean...there are not a lot of "racks" to look at. We'll see how this progresses.

conversations with a 10 year old

2007-12-20T09:34:00.000-05:00

Last night, our ride home from the mall was hilarious.

The radio was playing some current hip hop/pop song...and we were singing along...here is where the hilarity ensued.

Song: Shorty (*I am certain I am not spelling this right...but whatev.) got Low Low Low Low Low Low (and a bunch more Lows)

Me: Who IS this SHORTY that everyone is singing about?

Big: I think it is the new slang for 'home skillet' or girlfriend.

Me: Home skillet?

Big: Mom. You know..."my home skillet"

Me: (pretending I have no idea) No baby, I don't know your HOME skillet.

Big: You need to get hip, fo shiz. (I am pretty sure fo shiz is no longer cool, but I don't want to split hairs with him...)

Me: Baby...if you keep talking like that, you will find yourself in Catholic school faster than you can say 'fo shizzle my nizzle'

Big: *groan...mom...we are not CATHOLIC.

Me: We'll we're NOT ghetto, either.

Big: We're more ghetto than we are Catholic.

He has a point.

can you kill your kids and NOT get coal for Christmas?

2007-12-13T21:53:00.000-05:00

Completely a rhetorical question...put the phone down, no one needs to call CYS!

I have had a headache for about 2 days. It is 10pm. The boys are no closer to bed than they were 4 hours ago. Things are banging. I don't know if ANYONE has clean clothes to wear. And guess what? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. Hahahaha.
Yep. Here I sit...typing random thoughts out into the internet, while my kids and the dog play freeze tag in the upstairs hall. Uhm. We have hardwood floors and that hurts my head. And. Really? Is there still another WEEK before Christmas? Fuck it. I am celebrating this weekend...then taking a week long vacation!
Want to hear my latest thought. I want to go somewhere that it has just snowed...about a foot of fresh, fluffy snow. There is a fire in the fire place, tea in a mug on the table, a blanket and a good book. I am there, of course...because it is my thought. Sometimes, I am alone. Sometimes my friends are there. Sometimes there is a man there, who loves me the way I love him. Most of the time, my head just hurts!
If this doesn't work out...I can totally get on board with the beach. Either way, I don't care!

Something to believe in

2007-12-12T09:26:00.001-05:00

I am fresh from therapy. And I know that I have an unusual crush on her...not so much a crush as much as a adoration, but still.
I have been sad lately. Just sad. Not angry. Not mad. Just sad. Sad because I have said in my head, that I won't do anything at all until after the holiday. I won't argue. I won't think about it. I will just go about my day and night...not worrying not doing anything. Well. Recently, I have realized that once Christmas passes, I am going to have to face things. Maybe, I guess.

I also realized that I am sad because I have nothing to look forward to. Nothing. Friends have fallen by the way...partially/mostly my fault. Football is over. I don't have anything going on. Nothing. So. I need to get something going on. I have time. I need to find something to focus on and do. I am looking at taking a class to learn to knit. I mentioned it to a friend and found that she would also be interested in this. I also called the gym. I can join back up any time. John was so nice. No restart fee, just start paying the monthly fee, like I never left. I am hoping that this will do it for me. Help me keep my mind off of whatever is going on.

a combo...yesterday...and today

2007-12-08T18:52:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was our department Christmas (Holiday) Party...it started at 5. We left work at 3...to get a jump start on the party part. It was fun. Incidentally, we went to a nearby bar for happy hour...and laughed and giggled and laughed some more...then it was off to the party. It was at the Doubletree hotel. Nice place. The food was a little odd, though. There was a choice of fish, turkey, or pork, all done in a similar cream sauce. There was also squash soup. This caused a bit of arguing. Is squash soup more of a "fall type soup" or is it year round? Anywhooo...the party was bordering on lame, but the people were fun to watch. Apparently, nothing says "Holiday party" quite like a sweater and no pants. Ok. Yes. The sweater kept your lady parts covered. But really, it was touch and go. And...it wasn't just one, no sir...it was 3. There were 3 girls running around without pants on. One had to wonder, where was management? Did these 3 girls, all under the age of 24, call each other and confirm that none of them would be wearing pants? How did that conversation go? Was a pair of pants packed in a bag, left in the car, just in case someone else, God forbid, WORE pants? Anyway...back to the party.
We could register for "door prizes" and I am always one to register for the prizes that look like they have the least amount of tickets in for them. This has often backfired on me...but really...free is free, right? Well...last night? I won a shop vac. Yes. I will let that settle on you for a moment, A SHOP. VAC. Yep. My biggest complaint about that? How was I going to get it to my car? (I have already fired that bitch up today...hohoho!)
After the party broke up, some of us went to another near by bar...and I have a confession. I went. And I hung out with a friend that I haven't hung out with in a long time. We had just fallen out of touch. Last night, we spent the time laughing and getting caught up...and while it isn't exactly the same, I am glad that we are getting on the right track. I missed her. So. There was a lot a lot of laughing. A LOT! I did get to see our friend Dianne's boobs...as did some other man at the bar. She had them done years ago and they look amazing. Apparently, the man thought so too, and bought us all shots. Boobs for shots? Not a bad deal. It is here that I need to say that the entire night, I had one shot, a washington apple, which frankly, I could have drank all night. And 2 vanilla vodka/diet pepsi combos. So. I was not loaded. We move along to the next bar, where my friend Big Joe is turning 46. Holy shit, btw. He looks more like 56. I didn't tell him that, though...
I hate to sensor the rest of this, but right now I am still coming to terms with it. Maybe I'll expand on that later...

All I want for Christmas...

2007-12-07T12:28:00.000-05:00

So...last night we did the marathon Christmas thing. We took the boys to see Santa and then went and picked out our Christmas tree. Lord have mercy. It went a little like this:

Santa: Ho Ho Ho boys...what do you want for Christmas?

Big: A Wii.

Santa: Ho Ho Ho that is nice...a Wii. Well have you been good?

Big: I have. (pointing to his brother) HE hasn't.

Little: Yes I have!

Big: No sir. You're bad.

Me: OK BOYS. SANTA REALLY IS WATCHING

Santa: (looking at Little) How about you? What do you want for Christmas?

Little: A trailer with a room for my mom and a room for my dad and a room for the dog and all the rooms should have flat screen TVs and the trailer should be able to connect to my bike and I want it to be blue. (and...please refer to the top of this post for what he is actually asking for...)

Santa: Well...Ho Ho Ho...that sounds nice...were you a good boy?

It is at this point I realize, Santa is deaf. That motherfucker can't hear anything my kids have said. I mean, cause really? My kid asks for a TRAILER and you say "that sounds nice?" How about some help here? How about...HO HO HOW am I going to wrap that bitch? Or Ho Ho where would Rudolph put it? Instead he says THAT SOUNDS NICE? No. It doesn't. Thanks.

AND. If he COULD hear, he wouldn't have asked if Little was a good boy. Big just got done telling Santa that Little wasn't good. Shit man. LISTEN.

And so it went...Big, convinced that he is getting the Wii. He is. Little, convinced that Santa could see it in his deaf little heart to bring him a trailer...a $2ok trailer. I guess that could be considered foresight, since we probably will be homeless at some point.

Boot Etiquette, too little, too late.

2007-12-04T15:08:00.000-05:00

Yes...I suppose this is too little, too late. I mean, if I am mentioning it...I am seeing it...and if I am seeing it, you know full well I am commenting on it.
Why OH why does the boot wearing public feel as though they can just make up rules? Seriously? Do you drive on the wrong side of the road? No. Why wear ankle boots with your mini skirt? Jesus.
So. here we go...some observations...take heed, it ain't purty.
(this list will be a work in progress...I am afraid.)

Never. Never. Do I want to see that much leg. Seriously. If your boot hits you mid calf, your skirt damn well better too. The pencil skirt is the only exception to this rule.
Red/Pink tights with a black mini skirt and black calf boots? Not a look for anyone other than MAYBE an Olsen. MAYBE.
Cowboy boots? With a brown corduroy mini skirt and a brown sweater? Hey Britney, this isn't the farm...put those things AWAY. Cowboy boots...that is a good one.
And you...in the boots over there...are those SPURS? (closer observation concluded that they were NOT spurs, just a chain going behind the ankle. Take those off and throw them away. Thank you.
If it is indeed time to rock the boot/sweater combo, you can bet your sweet ass it is cold enough to WEAR stockings. WTF are you thinking? Oh. I know...you were distracted by how BADASS your tattoo looked coming out of the right one? Yeah. Badass. Fo-shiz. Seriously, put some tights on and a longer skirt.
I cannot get on board with the riding boots/skirt thing. I know that there are some skirts that look nice with a pair of riding boots, however, the one I saw today was not one of those.

I expect that this will continue to grow...seeing as this is only a day and a half worth of observations. Hang on...it will get better!

Advice...PLEASE!

2007-12-03T11:40:00.001-05:00

I know not so many people read this...but if for some reason, you happen upon this...I need and want your 2 cents!

I have been a member of a gym for a little more than a year. I was a faithful attendant. I took an exercise class...called Body Pump. It was a weight training class, you can google it if you so desire...anyway...I loved the class. I would go on my way home from work. I have gotten WAY out of the routine and have not been there in an embarrassingly long time.

The question is...I have come into some $. Not a lot, please...but enough to join the gym and be able to pay the membership fee in full for the year....I am just afraid that I won't be dedicated to this. I have lost all of the weight I want to lose. I am certain that I can tone some more. I just don't know what to do. I could plunk that $ on a bill and be done with it.

So...I leave it to you, random internet folk...and you, not so random internet folk!
Leave a comment...tell me what to do...spank me if you must...

A funny thing happened on the way to crazy...

2007-11-30T09:24:00.000-05:00

I like to cook! OMG! I know...who would believe it? Certainly not me! But I do! I really seem to like to cook. I discussed it with my shrink yesterday...and despite her concern that I am "over functioning" (is that even something that a mom who works full time and then takes care of every fucking thing in our house...can do?) I really like to cook. Yes. I have only cooked 3 meals in the last week...but they were 3 really good meals. I am looking forward to the weekend, where I will be attempting spaghetti sauce. I have been hitting allrecipes.com pretty hard, that is where I got the recipe for the stuffed pepper soup and the beef stew, and they were both so good! We'll go with it, til it gives me reason not to.

I had a great little meeting with the shrink. We'll discuss the over functioning another time.

I did get a disturbing call from one of Big's friend's mother. We'll call the friend Sweetpea, because I love her! She is 11 and so sweet and nice and pleasant...and a girl...and I don't have one, so I sometimes think about stealing her...but that is for another time, too. Apparently, there is a girl who is bullying her. Bullying is so wrong on so many levels...but when it is someone that I know...and love...it makes me sad. Her mom is probably going about this all wrong. I don't know what I would do, so I can't say, but it makes me sad that she is being bullied. We are going out to dinner tonight...for report cards and awards and good behavior...so I asked if she could go along. I know that won't make a difference in the bullying, but maybe it will make her smile for a while!

And...once again, I was sidetracked. I started to say how I like to cook...and was going to proceed on to declaring that I would be cleaning the attic and trying to set up the sewing machine. I know. I know. I should have warned you...but I guess I am looking for activities to keep me busy...and these are not harmful....I guess it beats the self destructive bar behavior that I could be indulging in. We'll see...maybe not!

I wish I may...I wish I might...

2007-11-29T09:09:00.001-05:00

Have something interesting to say today!
But I don't!
I had an odd ride into work...2 tractor trailer trucks pulled out in front of me...to be fair, only 1 pulled out in front of me...the one behind it just kept coming through the stop sign. Incidentally, I didn't HAVE a stop sign...but whatever. I couldn't flip them off, because I was balancing my makeup precariously with one hand.

Last night, I watched CSI: NY. Can you say disappointed? Mac Taylor...you let me down. I have been on the edge of my seat with this whole 333 thing. The blood on the tee shirt...the phone calls...and then that is how it ended? I love you, so I can forgive you...but maybe we can discuss a better plot?

Tonight is going to be a busy one...the boys have play practice at church, I have therapy, Big has basketball practice. so 5-6, 6-7, and 8-9. Busy bees at casa de crazy!

The Apple...

2007-11-28T09:42:00.000-05:00

Doesn't fall far from the tree!

Look at him with his Starbucks! So grown up. Yeah, it was Hot Cocoa...but still!

Good things on the horizon...

2007-11-27T19:02:00.000-05:00

Recent conversation with Big:

Big: "Mom! Hulk Hogan is getting divorced!"

Me: "Really? Hmm...does that mean he is on the market?"

Big: "Yeah! You mean, he could be my DAD?"

Me: "Sure...I mean...a few things have to happen, but I don't see why not...go tell your dad."

Big...running upstairs...: "Daddy...Mom said that Hulk Hogan is going to be my new dad."

Dad: "I wish him all the luck in the world."

Me: "I HEARD THAT!"

Big: "Let's discuss what my new room will look like. Do you think we will move to Florida, or will he come here? AND Oh MY GOSH! Will he introduce me to Andre the Giant?"

Me: "Baby...we can have him over for Christmas, if you would like..."

Big: "Uhm...no...he is dead, I think."

So much for that...but I do see this as helpful information in the future...maybe if and when things do end here...as long as I can provide an acceptable substitute, one who has cool friends and big houses, the kids won't be so sad?
A girl can dream!

A nubbinectomy

2007-11-26T16:56:00.001-05:00

Never a dull moment here at casa de crazy. Let me bring you up to speed. Big has had a bump on his lip for about a month now. He bites it and it bleeds and it has doubled in size over the last few days. At this rate, I am going to have to start packing it a lunch...so, at the urging of every relative with a pulse, I made an appt to take him to the pediatrician. Don't get me started on the fact that I had to take him. Because honestly, YOU DON'T WANT TO GO THERE. So. I pick Big AND Little up at my in laws...and off we go. I figure the doctor will stick something in it and drain all the shit out. Yeah. Not so much. The doctor is perplexed. Never a good thing. She says, I'll be right back...and leaves. Leaves me alone with the wiggle brothers. Seriously. She does come back...and says, "I ran across the hall to the ENT and he would like to take a look..." Ok. We are off to another $25 co pay, I mean doctor. The ENT was nice enough to squeeze us in. He is also nice enough to employ 2 of the most crotchety old ladies in the world. Thanks for that. While he was willing to see us on short notice, the women were hell bent on making sure I was aware of how NICE they were being by seeing me on such short notice. Thanks...but to be honest? I didn't want to be there. I didn't think it was anything more than a bump. One that I would be more than happy to lop off in the living room with a butcher knife and some waxed paper. (Remind me to tell you about the time I used dental floss to remove a skin tag from my neck. Not my proudest moment.) Anyway...the crotchety sisters were in the middle of a contest to see who could be meaner. Frankly, the nurse won. Finally, we see the good doctor. Who informs me, that in his 25 years of practice, he has never seen anything like this. I totally felt like I was in the middle of the Friends episode where the doctors gather around Ross' butt to look at his nubbin. Anywhooo...he pokes and squeezes and pulls...and looks in Big's ears, nose, and wait for it...THROAT...which I didn't follow, but whatever...he is the ENT, I think it is a habit.
Long about 2 1/2 hours later, we were scheduled for surgery! Yes. Surgery. On something that we don't actually know what is. It is just an odd bump that Big managed to make bigger by biting and splitting open while playing football and wrestling...Yeah. So. Next Wed? I get to sit in for a nubbinectomy. Maybe they'll let us keep it?! You know, take it home in a jar! Like tonsils?

ramble

2007-11-25T19:23:00.001-05:00

I don't know if I will publish this...but I have to get it out.
Today was quite possibly the hardest day of my life....ok. I exaggerate. Whatever. I was in the house with my husband, 2 boys, and the dog. Last night, C went out with his sister...and then promptly slept until 1030...which he also did yesterday? as well. Fine. Whatever. But...all day, no all weekend, I did laundry, cooked, and cleaned. While he did nothing. Nothing. Just sat here or there and watched tv. Not even sports, but ridic family channel shows or fucking fox news. And the laughter? OMG. He laughed and laughed like it was the funniest thing he had ever heard. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Then, there was the time I was sitting on the couch, you know, in between loads of laundry...and he came and sat right down next to me. "Watch this movie with me, you'll love it." Uhm...no. Support your local sheriff has been on a million times...and I have no desire to watch. Maybe I will die incomplete, but that is the chance I am willing to take. I just don't get it. I know that I have fallen out of love with him...the big question is, can I fall back in love with him? Because, make no mistake, right now? I am not even trying. Absolutely everything is annoying me right now. Everything. From the fact that he hasn't taken notice that I have done every domestic chore there is...and cooked 2 very good meals...I think I might have gotten a "this is really good" yesterday...but nothing today. He just doesn't seem to be a man who is working on getting things back on track. What do I want him to do? I don't know...but clearly what he is doing isn't working.
I have therapy on Thursday. We haven't had it together in 2 weeks. I almost don't care. I know I have to get through the holidays and then what?
I can't see the future through all of this shit...I cannot see us living together, growing old...but I have not been able to picture us living apart either. I don't know...I so wish that I did...I wish that I could snap my finger and love him again. I wish that this wasn't my fault. I wish that it would be easy on my kids and on him. I don't want to hurt him...is it worse to pretend things are ok and carry on...with the potential of doing something that I won't be able to take back? Or to just end it? I have no idea.
I hate these feelings. I try so hard to make them go away...but sometimes I feel like he is working in the opposite direction...doing things to make them surface.
I want to eat. I want to eat a lot...I noticed it today...when I reached for some pretzels...I wasn't the least bit hungry. But eating is a comfort. I haven't come far enough along to move past the eating as a comfort thing...so I have to watch it...keep it in check. I don't want to gain that weight back. I just don't. So...more worry.
Ok...so I will post this...but probably delete it...

Sunday...

2007-11-25T10:18:00.000-05:00

Just when I thought the laundry was finished...I get to start it all over again!
Yay! I was afraid that I would be bored today...but I will wash sheets and bedding...and maybe MAYBE tackle the attic.
C and the stinky sister in law went out last night...they got home around 230. I hope that he got to talk to her about whatever he wanted to talk about. I hope that he feels better about some things...I don't know. I can't imagine her giving any solid advice, though...seeing that in the 15 years I have been in this family, I have NEVER met one of her boyfriends. I don't even know that she has had that many...but never met one. That is 15 years worth of Christmas' and New Years' and Thanksgivings and Easters...nothing. Nada. So...I hope that he takes her advice with a grain of salt.
He is still sleeping. I am allowing it, because I know when I go out and get all liquored up, I appreciate being able to sleep it off. It doesn't usually happen...but you know...a girl can dream!
I have become addicted to Webkinz. Both boys have one...Little likes to spend his kinz cash as soon as he gets it...so I like to earn him some...at least that is what I say, as I log in to the cash cow! I have a personal top score that earned me 78 kinz cash. Not bad?! I am sure that he spent it already, though!
I am going to shop online for some Christmas presents...maybe pay a bill or two...
Enjoy the day!