The zoo and the Livestrong bracelet

What do the zoo and the Livestrong bracelet have in common? Oh. Nothing, really...but today I took the two boys to the zoo and while we were gone, the dog ATE a livestrong bracelet AND threw it back up. Now...we were gone for 6 hours...and yes...I get hungry too...but the difference is...I eat FOOD. The dog? Eats whatever he can get into his yap. How do you know he ate the bracelet? You ask? Well. Because, while normally, when he throws up, he cleans right up after himself...not so much the case with the bracelet. No siree. Vomit laced with bright yellow rubber. MMM...I thought about framing it and adding it to the curio, but I didn't.
The zoo? Is another story in and of itself. I lost the boys twice. Yes. Twice. Yeah. SO? Once was a complete accident...and they were right around the corner...the other time? They went to the bathroom and I sat on the bench. The bathroom wasn't where they thought it was...and they didn't come back! I mean, they DID come back...but not right away. It was fine. No harm...no foul. There were some interesting things to see at the zoo. Most of the pictures that I took of the animals are just of their bums. Yes. I don't know why...but I have elephant bum, zebra bum, ostrich bum, and random monkey bums. We rolled up the elephant area, and my oldest says "WOW! That is a BIG elephant." I looked...and said "Oh, baby, that is a ROCK." Yeah. That is the gifted one. There were also a lot of Japanese tourists there. Yes. At the zoo. In Pittsburgh? I did take a few pictures of random Japanese folks...just for fun. I also made the oldest pretend to throw the youngest into the piranha tank...then I told the youngest that it would eat him...so...then I overheard him tell a younger kid..."don't stick your fingers in there, it will eat you." That poor little boy couldn't understand what he was saying...nor were we in any danger of him reaching the top of the tank to stick anything in, but in the little ones mind, tragedy was averted. I witnessed a funny scene at the sting ray tank. They have it set up so that kids can crawl under and stick their fingers in the water...yeah. whatever. Not my kids...but anyway...one kid touched the stinger and SURPRISE! He got stung. So...when he was there with his mother...telling the zoo worker that he had been stung, he had to pull his finger OUT OF HIS NOSE in order to show the employee which finger had been stung. Yeah. If it doesn't hurt badly enough to keep out of your nose, then it doesn't hurt. Thank you.
We stayed at the zoo 5 minutes longer than we should of. And when I say this I mean that my patience LEFT 5 minutes before I did. I ended up kind of yelling at the boys "Why can't you just say THANK YOU for a great afternoon.?" Instead? They want to nickle and dime me in the souvenir stand. Do we need to spend $40 on a stuffed polar bear? OH HELL NO! $40? Gets my toes done, bitch. We didn't buy anything...and we made it home SAFE! I know. Shocker! No souvenir? AND Home without incident? The stars have aligned!!
Well, maybe not. I have to take them to football practice still!

Overheard from the backseat.

So...yesterday...after spending 5 fucking hours at the football field, where the temperature was hovering in the 100's, instead of going swimming...I thought it would be a good idea to load the kids and the dog in the car...and go get ice cream. Yum. There is a place near here that had ice cream for dogs...so you know...good fun for everyone?! Why I don't learn from these mistakes, I'll never know.
Our trip to get ice cream involves a stop at McDonalds because these kids have not really eaten much today. We are in the drive thru line...and Logan yells..."MOM! Pull over! Mickey (dog) has to go to the bathroom!!" Wondering when the dog started talking, I asked how Logan knew this...to which he responded "There is a red thing coming out of his weiner." internal giggling...me"Uhm, no, baby, I don't think the red thing coming out of his weiner means he has to pee." The much older, wiser son, starts making VOMIT noises. Me" What's wrong, Patch?" Older "You. Can't. Say. That." Me"Say what? Weiner?" Him (more vomit noises) "YES!" Logan"What does the red thing coming out of his weiner MEAN?" Patch (more vomit noises) Me"Ask your dad."
I LOVE that I have 2 boys. I cannot WAIT until puberty comes a knockin!

The return of MC STARBUCKS

Last time we heard from our heroine (does this mean girl hero or drug?) she was pining away for someone to sit pool side and heckle the other mothers in their goofy swimwear...we now join her typing furiously...having just downed a Venti Quad Shot Latte...(mmm...can I get another?)
So...yesterday...I am looking pretty cute, if I do say so myself. Hair? Not sticking up-which is a bonus...no matter how you look at it...Makeup? On-which is a switch from the norm...which involves me doing 75 in the Saturn...shifting gears, texting, and applying makeup...anyway...I get to Starbucks and WHO pulls in right after me? That's right. MC STARBUCKS. I played it coy, natch. Pretend you don't see him...right? So. There he is...in line behind me. The chit chat is adorable. I am soo a conversationalist. He says "I haven't seen you in a while." Me (make internal SQUEEE noise. Hoping that it doesn't slip out.) "Oh...I've been out of town the last 2 weeks." (said like the breathless world traveller that I am...) Him "business or pleasure?" Me (resist temptation to offer him pleasure...) "Both" of course I have to elaborate on the trip to Tahoe...because, that is just how I am. Blah Blah Blah...11 girls...trouble...Ricci...jeep...fun...giggle...giggle...Oh I am so witty. And did I mention adorable? I am irresistible, even to myself. My SF V n/f latte is done...and he says..."Oh! I've got that." That's right...you read that correctly...MC STARBUCKS BOUGHT MY LATTE!!! Oh yeah. We are so making progress. I mean...just a few months ago...we didn't even speak. Now? He is buying my breakfast!! If I play my cards right, he can be MAKING my breakfast someday!! WOOT.
Needless to say...I FUCKING SKIPPED out of Starbucks. Literally. I. LOVE. HIM.
I rolled out to a good JT "Summer Love" and all was well with the world.
Peace. and Starbucks.

a work in progress...a draft I found...

a work in progress...let's see where it goes.



Things that I like...

• Sunday mornings...cool breeze...800 thread count sheets...snuggling with myself.


• a book I can't stand to put down...that leaves me feeling like I was somehow involved.


• being told that I am the best mom in the world...when we all know that isn't the least bit true!!


• smiling so much that my face hurts.


• meeting someone who makes me smile that much!


• a good friend...who knows you...and reminds you how you once thought your youngest child had down syndrome...and continues to laugh at you...even when said child is 6...still funny, I am afraid.


• a wife beater and cut offs...the hoopie version of sex on a stick.


• summer evenings...the sound of kids playing good old fashion tag...


• minute maid light lemonade...


• skinny cow ice cream sandwiches...


• watching the boys cultivate their "Cherokee Red" mustaches' at the local dive bar where we sometimes go for dinner. Cherokee Red so reminds me of every family party we ever had! Throw in an RC cola and I am golden.

wetawds and swimming pools...

I am not sure where this is going to end...but it starts with how proud I am of my public school, educated children. As you know, school has recently ended...the boys are making their way through this summer to the best of their ability...getting as dirty as possible and then arguing with me at 9pm that they don't NEED a shower. Right. We have joined a local community pool, so this does help out in a pinch, where showers are concerned...this is a fact that I will deny if ever questioned about it...anyway...back to my bursting with pride moments...First...they all concern the little one..."Stinky" "the General" "Loganator" "the Yellow guy" whatever you want to call him, he is fine with that...he prefers "George" but that is another story...anyway...2 weeks or so ago, I was getting him ready for bed...no small accomplishment...and he says "Mom, I have something to tell you. It's bad." Really, this doesn't alarm me. He is prone to drama (where on earth does he get that?) So...he proceeds to tell me that he needs to whisper it in my ear...because it is "so bad." He then says, in my ear, but by no means a whisper..."This kid on the bus said 'suck my boss'" I look at him. I think for a second, giggle, and then say..."Do you think he might have said, 'suck my balls'?" To which he said "OH! YEAH! That is what he said." I know, you might just be thinking that MAYBE I should have told him that wasn't nice and not to repeat it...and I did do that...but I had to correct him, because you and I both know that he is going to use that again, and frankly, he needs to be correct about it. I can't have my kid telling someone to "suck my boss" and getting laughed at...
Todays episode of "things my kid will say" comes to us live poolside...where I am desperately trying to find someone to hang out with. I don't know too many of the women there...as it is not in our school district...yes. I am playing out of my league, but not too far...I can pull it off...anyway..."the General" has a small speech problem...his "R's" often sound more like "W's" so today...he says..."Mom, a kid on the playground called someone a 'wetawd'" Oh. The word 'wetawd' made me giggle until pee threatened to come out...the thing with the speech issue is that he doesn't realize he does it, so when I repeated it just like he said it, he corrected me. God I love that kid. I did tell him that the word retard wasn't nice...but when he asked what it meant, I was at a loss for words. I simply said it meant "different." To which he said..."well the kid was acting different..." Well, then clearly the boy who called him a retard was right on the mark.
Back to the pool issue. The pool is a pool. The women go all ages...but there seemed to be a run on the "swim skirt" and it's ugly cousin "swim dress." If you are one of the swim evening gown wearers, I am not talking about you...of course not...it is just THESE women! Anyway...all I am looking for at this place is a woman I can be friends with and sit and make snarky comments to about all of the other women at the pool. I had so many funny things to say...I thought my head would explode. Like how it is NEVER flattering to lay on your side at the pool, EVER. How no matter how cute it looks on an 8 year old, a ruffled skirt does not flatter a grown woman. Shame, really, on the company that made such a thing. The weekends are great for "dad sightings" Dad, who spend all winter and most of the weekdays drinking beer and eating poorly...who then feel that it is their god given right to unleash that huge white belly on the world. I like at the end of the day, how that huge white belly turns a cute shade of pink. Also, dad? if your breasts are bigger than your 15 year olds? How about keeping them covered? Thanks. Another tip for the dads? Why do you think black socks are sexy? Have you not heard all the jokes about them? If they are the ONLY thing in your drawer? You can spend the afternoon at Target fixing that situation...we'll see you next week, I promise we'll be there!
There were quite a few funny things going on at the pool...the woman in the black bathing suit who was wearing the gold chain and gold hoop earrings...the dad in the print shorts who hiked them up to cover the belly...he fooled NO ONE...
Anyway...if you are in the area and want to hang out with me every Saturday and Sunday...promise that you will make fun of people with me and that nothing is off limits...I will be glad to take you with me!!