Funny shit

someone sent me the link to this yesterday...and I cannot stop laughing...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGZxaDKmtwE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KVbjpFVe1w

These are two of my favorites!!

Hip bones and tattoos

Dear Tiny Girl in line in front of me at the CVS,

Hi. I know you don't know me, but I couldn't help but notice your lovely tattoo. I know it is only March, but God bless you, wear that crop sweatshirt and those low rise jeans.
When you turned around to say something to your friend behind you, I know you heard me gasp. Your hip bones. And that flat little, stretch mark free belly. Lord. I wanted to grab you by the hand and take you over to Starbucks. I wanted to tell you a few things...
Like how no matter how strong that maternal instinct is, do not birth children. I know that sounds harsh. But, you'll thank me someday. Those hips will disappear faster than you can say "the condom broke." Even if they return, they won't be the same.
That flat little belly? Also will disappear. In its place? Something we 37 year olds refer to as "the Pooch." Don't make me show you mine. You are too young to see it. Just take my word for it. No matter what anyone says, stretch marks DO NOT GO AWAY. Do you want to take the risk of getting them? NO MA'AM. Just don't have babies.
Also, since I am sharing my wisdom with you. That tattoo there, on your back? I hope that is your dad's name. or maybe your favorite pet. If it isn't, start saving your money now, because you are going to HATE it once you two break up. I know, sweetheart, you two will be together, forever. But when forever gets here, you are going to want to have it removed. Just sayin.
One more thing...all the make up? You don't need it. The eyeliner MIGHT be a little dark...just tone it down a little bit. You have a pretty face. Show it.
You don't have to thank me now...
Love,
You, twenty years ago.

Meme in pictures...

I have never done one of these before...so forgive me if I fuck it all to hell. I stole it from Tori...not really "stole" because it is a Meme and frankly, she TELLS you to do it...so do it, already!

It is a meme in pictures...
How do you do it?
Go to http://www.photobucket.com/
type in your answer to the question
insert the picture into your blog...

sounds easy, right? Let's just see how it goes.

1.) What is your relationship status?


2.) What is your current mood?


3.) Who is your favorite band/artist?


4.) What is your favorite movie?


5.) What kind of pet do you have?


6.) Where do you live?


7.) where do you work?


8.) What do you look like?


9.) what do you drive?


10.) What did you do last night?


11.) what is your favorite tv show?


12.)Descibe yourself...


13.) What are you doing tomorrow?


14.) What is your name?


15.) What is your favorite candy?

You say it's your birthday....

Today, Little turns 7. I can hardly believe that you are 7. I remember very vividly the day we found out I was pregnant. We had tried for some time, to have a second baby...and we didn't seem to be getting anywhere...so we stopped trying...situations changed and we started to try again...and just like that, he was on the way!
Pregnancy #2 was not as easy as #1. I spotted early...was basically sent home to rest and see what happened...I cried a lot. I didn't want to have a miscarriage. I wanted to have a baby...sonogram after sonogram confirmed that you were growing. Long about 13 or 14 weeks, when we should have been able to hear your heart beating, we didn't. I had to go home and wait until the next morning to have another sonogram to make sure you were still alive. Probably the longest 12 hours of my life. As soon as the doppler hit my belly, your heartbeat was there! Tears of joy! You gave me such trouble when you were in my belly...and you continue in that spirit!
I had a few "false alarms" before I went into actually labor with you. One false alarm involved a little tinkle and an embarrassing conversation with the gynecologist. (Who hasn't accidentally peed themselves and then gone straight to the gyno because you are IN LABOR!) I didn't think I would ever have you after that episode. I even threatened to NOT LEAVE the doctors office without the baby. (I have since switched doctors...I may have had a "label" at that one...)
The day my water DID break...I thought it was just another "tinkle" incident. Who knows what goes on...the only thing I knew was that I hadn't had a shower and couldn't possibly go to the hospital until I had taken care of that. When I finally got to the doctor and was kind of scolded for taking so long, we were sent to the hospital! You were born about 4 hours later!
Every single day has been something new with you. You have a silly, unique personality. You had the curliest, blond hair...the bluest eyes...the sweetest smile...the hair isn't curly...or very blond anymore, but the eyes and the smile...they remain the same.
Do you remember your "jumping off the couch" incident? The one that resulted in my "mother of the year" trophy? You broke your foot...but you kept right on jumping...so I didn't take you to the hospital. How was I to know?
How about the time you tried to roller skate down the sliding board and got MAD at me for making you take them off?
Or when you and your brother locked the cat in the bathroom and I had to take the door knob off so that we could pee?
Or how your favorite word was "jackass" for a long time. (maybe it only SEEMED like a long time to me!)
Or how last summer, when we were at the hotel for Chris and Jen's wedding, and the fire alarm went off, the first thing out of every ones mouth was "where is Little?" You potentially COULD have done it, but you didn't!!
I love you, baby! I love you for the sweet, adorable little boy that you are...and the young man that you are becoming. I love the fact that I know the craziness and fun is only just beginning. I love how this morning, when I was hugging you and squeezing you and commenting on how old you were getting, you looked at me and said "hello? you're 37. THAT IS OLD."
Tomorrow, we are having your 'cosmic bowling' party...and I am quite certain that I will be boozing by 8pm tomorrow night, but I hope that this is the best birthday, ever...and that next year is even better!
I love you, baby!! Happy birthdizzle!

shopping fun

Tomorrow is Little's 7th birthday. I am certain not to forget such event, simply because he won't let me! We have been counting down the days since the middle of February...and that is fine, I do the same. I told him that we would be going shopping to pick out his birthday gift and he could pick what he wanted. *within reason....Would you like to know what a 7yr old thinks is *within reason?
First we get to Toys R Us...I am already beat from a day at work and cooking and cleaning...but it is 7:15 and I still have a birthday gift to procure. He wants to look at bikes. and skateboards. and motorized Razor scooters that cost $300 and are entirely OUT of the reach of reason. He rode a couple of bikes around the store...which entertained him, while I took a quick cat nap on the bench. One of the bikes had "handle bar brakes" which Little is not so familiar with. The end result was a small scream and a near miss in the aisle that involved another little boy. Where was that kids mother? I tried to get him to buy into "guitar hero" and frankly, it was only because I wanted it. HE wanted an actual electric guitar. Not so much. There were some tears. He stopped proclaiming that I was the best mom, EVER. I suggested we head over to Walmart...
On the way to Walmart...he remembers that he wanted a "wap-top" aka laptop. I remind him that we are talking about gifts that are *within reason and a wap-top is not. We stopped at Best Buy to prove my point. Again, I tried for the Guitar Hero. (good news...Rock Band for the Wii will be out before Christmas, start standing in line now!) Then...we finally went to Walmart. Walmart. Had the same bike that we saw for $100 at TRU for $68. I'll take that. It is orange. It has handle bar brakes. He didn't hit anyone at Walmart. We bought it. In the check out line, the little girl in front of us was checking out his bike. They talked. She clearly dug Little. He was cute. I told him later that he couldn't bring home a girl that he met in the checkout at Walmart.
Now for the funny part...and really, who didn't see this coming?
We get the bike out to the car. The CAR. The SATURN. There isn't a lot of space in the Saturn, and what space there is, is taken up by a butt load of crap. I try to put the bike in the back seat thinking that Little could ride shotgun on the way home...he managed to survive the first 7 years, he would be fine. Not to worry, the bike wouldn't fit in the back seat. After much wrestling, I got it back OUT of the backseat and popped the trunk. Yeah. It wouldn't fit in the trunk, either. Much wrestling, swearing, yanking, yelling, giggling...and then I decided to put down the back seat. In theory, that sounds like I am using my head. In reality? Not so much. I couldn't get the bike far enough IN the trunk to need the seat down. More pulling, pushing, swearing, sweating, and begging...finally, it was IN the trunk. However, the trunk? Wouldn't close. More swearing...and of course I don't have a string or anything to tie the trunk closed with...so I get an idea...I use the plastic bag to tie the trunk shut. Off we go...Little in the back seat, hanging on to the tire, afraid that the bike is going to fly out at any moment. I tried to assure him that all of the tugging and pulling and swearing that I did was exactly why the bike would NOT fly out. However, I was certain that my random shit that was in the trunk, was going to fly out and leave a Hansel and Gretal like trail on the way...
We made it home. Little rode the bike around the livingroom until the dog barked and I yelled.
Happy Birthday, Baby!!