I wonder if you know how much I looked up to you when we were younger?
I wonder if you know how much your smile and your laughter were contagious?
I wonder if you know how I noticed that you always did the right thing, even when doing so was the hardest thing you had to do?
I wonder...and I will never know the answer...
It has probably been 5 years since the last time we talked...you told me about your wife and your daughters and your job...and how proud you were of all of those things. We laughed about old times. We laughed about people that we used to know. People who had fallen out of our lives...like we had fallen out of each others...my call was just a small attempt to keep in touch. I should have made more of an effort.
I always always always talk think about you when the Chicago song "25 or 6 to 4" comes on...I can remember you telling me about how that song came about. I can still tell the story...and I do! I don't know if it is the truth or not...because you were pretty darn believable...but I tell it like it is gospel.
I remember you had that blue convertible...your baby...and you took such care of it. I remember you taking me for a ride one day...I was maybe 17 at the time...and the typical 17 year old problems weighed heavily on my mind...and you put the top down...turned up the radio...and we drove...and the wind carried my problems away...
I remember you and Junior coming over to my house after work...my parents loved you, Joe...honestly, I could have probably killed a man and as long as you said it was ok, it would have been ok with my parents. And we would sit and watch tv and goof off.
You gave me my first real job. And then you gave me my second job. You sent me flowers on my birthday when I was away at school. I can still see the bouquet. You made me laugh. You dried my tears.
I am sorry that we drifted apart. I am sorry, because I know that you were the kind of person that everyone should have in their life.
Did you know that about a month or so ago, I tried to find you and your phone number? I took the boys to Florida and we were going to be spending a day in Ft. Lauderdale. I knew you lived there...so I wanted to try to meet up. I couldn't come up with a good phone number...and then planning the trip got in the way...so I figured that I would catch you the next time.
I wish there was a next time.
I'm sorry Joe. I am sorry that I didn't get that chance...I am sorry that my boys didn't get to meet the guy who told the story about the silly song that mommy sings on the radio. I am sorry that your wife will have a day, a week, a lifetime, without you. And I am sorry that maybe I never told you how much you did mean to me...
This one is for you...Live long and prosper...
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Monday, August 04, 2008
OOPs I did it again...
I have been absent from here...but maybe you have noticed.
I have a lot on my mind...and instead of getting easier, it seems to just be getting harder. I try to think about it...and it overwhelms me and I just stop.
How can I be sure that I am making the right decision?
How can I be sure that this is the best for everyone? Especially when one of the boys says "When is Daddy coming home?"
I feel like my life has been one bad decision after another as of lately...and when I turn and look, I don't seem to have a scrap of dignity left. Each bad decision seems to have a consequence worse than the one before...how many more, before I lose everything?
I look at my life 6 months ago...and I don't even recognize it, compared to the mess that it is today. Yes. I have people who love me. Yes. I have my health. Yes. I have my family. Yes. I have those two very sweet little boys. And, I suppose, in the over all scheme of things, that is enough...
I look at Little and when he starts to cry because I am not the one taking him to football practice, I cry too. I cry when he asks why Daddy isn't coming home. It doesn't make sense to me, so how can I explain it to him?
I need to know that I did the right thing. In my heart. I need to know that.
I need to find the strength to be independent. I need to know when to say no and not make decisions that are not 100% the right thing to do.
I need to take inventory of my life and figure out what is going to stay and what is going to go.
Keep something crossed that I make the right decisions...
I have a lot on my mind...and instead of getting easier, it seems to just be getting harder. I try to think about it...and it overwhelms me and I just stop.
How can I be sure that I am making the right decision?
How can I be sure that this is the best for everyone? Especially when one of the boys says "When is Daddy coming home?"
I feel like my life has been one bad decision after another as of lately...and when I turn and look, I don't seem to have a scrap of dignity left. Each bad decision seems to have a consequence worse than the one before...how many more, before I lose everything?
I look at my life 6 months ago...and I don't even recognize it, compared to the mess that it is today. Yes. I have people who love me. Yes. I have my health. Yes. I have my family. Yes. I have those two very sweet little boys. And, I suppose, in the over all scheme of things, that is enough...
I look at Little and when he starts to cry because I am not the one taking him to football practice, I cry too. I cry when he asks why Daddy isn't coming home. It doesn't make sense to me, so how can I explain it to him?
I need to know that I did the right thing. In my heart. I need to know that.
I need to find the strength to be independent. I need to know when to say no and not make decisions that are not 100% the right thing to do.
I need to take inventory of my life and figure out what is going to stay and what is going to go.
Keep something crossed that I make the right decisions...
Monday, June 30, 2008
off my chest
- If you are 45 years old...you don't need to avoid eye contact with me...I have been your sister in law for almost 14 years. I have known you for as long as you have known your own son.
- If you think that leaving me mean messages on my voice mail is the way to make things happen, you haven't learned anything in the past 16 years.
- If passive aggressive were a sport, you would be the olympic record holder.
- That 10 minute soliloquy that I was subjected to the other night was beautiful. You should seriously think about a career in acting.
- I am not sure when NOT DOING ANYTHING different began to constitute change...but if it does, we have been changing for a long time. Maybe we need to stop.
- I know he is your son. BELIEVE me, I know.
- If you think that I WANT to be living this, that this is what I dreamed of when I was a little girl, you might want to lie down...because YOU ARE CRAZY!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
surprise
Uhm.
So...I am sitting here...and Little comes down...he is clearly up to something, because there is a shit grin on his face. The convo that he will repeat to his therapist in 10 years, went like this:
Little: Close your eyes.
Me: No way, Jose...I am not falling for that one.
Little: Come on mom, it isn't bad.
Me: Yeah. Nope. Not doing it...what do you have?
Little: Nothing! NOTHING
(at this point I notice the noise...bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)
Me: OMG! Give it to me. GIVE IT TO ME!!!
Little: Why?
Me: OMG! That is MOMMY'S. GIVE IT TO ME!
Trip to the therapist- $25 copay
blue plastic vibrator- $15
Look on your mothers face when she realizes that you found it?- Priceless.
So...I am sitting here...and Little comes down...he is clearly up to something, because there is a shit grin on his face. The convo that he will repeat to his therapist in 10 years, went like this:
Little: Close your eyes.
Me: No way, Jose...I am not falling for that one.
Little: Come on mom, it isn't bad.
Me: Yeah. Nope. Not doing it...what do you have?
Little: Nothing! NOTHING
(at this point I notice the noise...bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)
Me: OMG! Give it to me. GIVE IT TO ME!!!
Little: Why?
Me: OMG! That is MOMMY'S. GIVE IT TO ME!
Trip to the therapist- $25 copay
blue plastic vibrator- $15
Look on your mothers face when she realizes that you found it?- Priceless.
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Hello Kitty
Many things are changing here at casa de crazy. One thing will remain the same. I will never get a break. Here is an example:
Yesterday, I decided to pull the trigger and buy a new grill. The grill that we have hasn't worked since Nam...and I wanted me a burger. So...I looked and looked...and found one at Wmart for a cool hunge. (100, hundo...)anyway...They came assembled or unassembled. There was no change in price. I? Still drive a Saturn. There was no way I was going to fit a fully assembled grill into the back seat of said Saturn. No sir.
So, I opted for unassembled. I struggled to get the grill down from the shelf...I gave up when it became clear that I was going to become trapped underneath that grill if I were to continue attempting to get this grill down, without help.
Fast forward 20 minutes and I am zooming down the road with an unassembled grill in my back seat.
My parents were coming down today to help me buy this grill. I went all independent on them and bought it myself. I did the research. I know BTUs. So, my dad was going to help me put it together. BBBZZZTTTTT. Wrong again. I was going to do this myself. I didn't get much sleep last night, but I was determined to start that grill. The directions said it should take approx. 45 minutes. BBBBBZZZZZTTTT. Hey! It took me 45 minutes to figure out which pieces were the legs. I was clad entirely in my jammies. Hello Kitty jams to be exact. On my front porch. Recently single. Hello. Perhaps I should have showered and applied a full face of make up...but that is hind sight. I got that damn grill together...2 hours and much swearing later. It isn't together exactly correct, and between you and I? I totally disposed of the extra parts, so my dad wouldn't know. But...the best part is the text that I just got.
J: You got the grill together!
Me: Uhm...yeah...how did you know?
J: I drove past you this morning.
Me: In. My. Jammies?
J: Yep. That's why I didn't stop.
Me: Uhm. OMG. I am so embarrassed.
Allow me just to say that J is a hot local guy...and while I have no intention of beginning to date any time soon, if I were...J would SOOO be on the top of the list. However, I think that my hello kitty jammies just took him out of the running. I suppose I will rethink doing things on the porch in the morning.
Yesterday, I decided to pull the trigger and buy a new grill. The grill that we have hasn't worked since Nam...and I wanted me a burger. So...I looked and looked...and found one at Wmart for a cool hunge. (100, hundo...)anyway...They came assembled or unassembled. There was no change in price. I? Still drive a Saturn. There was no way I was going to fit a fully assembled grill into the back seat of said Saturn. No sir.
So, I opted for unassembled. I struggled to get the grill down from the shelf...I gave up when it became clear that I was going to become trapped underneath that grill if I were to continue attempting to get this grill down, without help.
Fast forward 20 minutes and I am zooming down the road with an unassembled grill in my back seat.
My parents were coming down today to help me buy this grill. I went all independent on them and bought it myself. I did the research. I know BTUs. So, my dad was going to help me put it together. BBBZZZTTTTT. Wrong again. I was going to do this myself. I didn't get much sleep last night, but I was determined to start that grill. The directions said it should take approx. 45 minutes. BBBBBZZZZZTTTT. Hey! It took me 45 minutes to figure out which pieces were the legs. I was clad entirely in my jammies. Hello Kitty jams to be exact. On my front porch. Recently single. Hello. Perhaps I should have showered and applied a full face of make up...but that is hind sight. I got that damn grill together...2 hours and much swearing later. It isn't together exactly correct, and between you and I? I totally disposed of the extra parts, so my dad wouldn't know. But...the best part is the text that I just got.
J: You got the grill together!
Me: Uhm...yeah...how did you know?
J: I drove past you this morning.
Me: In. My. Jammies?
J: Yep. That's why I didn't stop.
Me: Uhm. OMG. I am so embarrassed.
Allow me just to say that J is a hot local guy...and while I have no intention of beginning to date any time soon, if I were...J would SOOO be on the top of the list. However, I think that my hello kitty jammies just took him out of the running. I suppose I will rethink doing things on the porch in the morning.
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