One is from when I was in the hospital and one is from the walk that I took with the dog. Neither are very funny, I suppose.
My stay at the hospital was eventful, to say the least. There were some really super nice nurses and various staff...and there were some not so really super nice nurses...that is to be expected, I suppose. Regardless, on Thursday, the day after the surgery, I am greeted by a large African American man, who is a nurses aid. I am sure he gets a lot of requests for a different nurse, simply because he was so big and so dark. I have had two kids and frankly don't care who sees my girly parts. If this guy could get my ass out of bed, then have at it! I will not go into any more detail, but at some point, I realized that I had this very same guy as my nurses aid when I was in the hospital 2 years ago. So, making conversation, I said as much to him. It went a little like this...(picture a lead balloon...)
Me: Hey, how long have you worked on this floor?
Him: Me? Oh a few years, why?
Me: I was here about 2 years ago, and I think you helped me then.
Him: Hmmm...could be, you remember that long ago?
Me: I have a pretty good memory...
**What I wanted to say was...a white girl like me can count on ONE finger the number of big black guys who have seen her naked. You tend to not forget these things. I giggled to myself the rest of the day.
Funny (less than funny) #2.
Dog. Walk. Me.
We haven't been on a walk together in at least 2 weeks. This was a quick trip around the block. NO!? I swear he peed on EVERY tree from our house all the way around the block. There isn't a tree we didn't mark. Take that bitches. We are back.
Of course, he is sleeping now. That walk was a bitch.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
My stitches...
itches...
and my eyebrows need a fuckin pluckin.
How did I go to hell in a hand basket so fast? I have caterpillars on my face, my skin is a mess...not acne, but just not normal. My hair needs cut...oh, and yesterday, I may have burned it on the stove when I was making tea. I don't know. Don't ask.
The good things are, that I am showered and ready to leave the house and it is only 10:30am! Little and I are making brownies when he comes home from school, so I have to go to the store and get the brownie stuff. I am enjoying hanging out with the kids when they get home. Last night, Little came and got into bed with me, snuggled down and watched tv. I will miss this when I go back to school.
Well...off to the store. Maybe a Starbucks, if I have $ in my purse. I don't really know if I do or not!?!
and my eyebrows need a fuckin pluckin.
How did I go to hell in a hand basket so fast? I have caterpillars on my face, my skin is a mess...not acne, but just not normal. My hair needs cut...oh, and yesterday, I may have burned it on the stove when I was making tea. I don't know. Don't ask.
The good things are, that I am showered and ready to leave the house and it is only 10:30am! Little and I are making brownies when he comes home from school, so I have to go to the store and get the brownie stuff. I am enjoying hanging out with the kids when they get home. Last night, Little came and got into bed with me, snuggled down and watched tv. I will miss this when I go back to school.
Well...off to the store. Maybe a Starbucks, if I have $ in my purse. I don't really know if I do or not!?!
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Raindrops on roses...
Tori...and I know, I have to fix the link...shut up, I had my colon removed for cryin out loud...had a post about her favorite things...and I LOVE all things Tori...(SuperSunshine on a stick...if you don't know her!) So...I thought I would take a minute to do some of my favorite things...
In no particular order...with no particular punctuation (which annoys Tori...but SmoochKiss anyway!):
*Snuggles...unexpected snuggles from the Little one...accompanied by confessions of his love and the fear that he had while I was in the hospital. He has been extra "squishy" these days. I'll take a sore belly any day, if it comes with extra "squishy."
*DKNY jeans...I can't tell you why...but my ass looks INCREDIBLE in those bad boys! And? $30 at Macy's. Well. $30 the last time I was AT Macy's, which has been a while...more DKNY love, Red delicious...is my favorite perfume!
*Champion yoga pants from Target. Simply the most comfortable pair of pants ever. I have them in gray only, because if I bought them in black, I know for a fact I would try to pass them off as work appropriate! If you don't own them, buy them!
*Waking up in the middle of the night...KNOWING that it has snowed, before you throw back the curtain to confirm. There is something so still about a fresh snow...figure out how to bottle it and there wouldn't be nearly as much stress.
*Friends that you haven't talked to in months...who hear about your recent adventure and call you. And send flowers. And make you laugh so hard that you have to threaten to hang up because your belly hurts. Everyone should have a friend like that. A friend whose couch you could lay on and laugh with. A friend who knows all about your past...and shares most of it with you!
*Friends that you don't talk to very often, but who text you when they hear of your recent adventure. A random text from a friend can be more healing than anything else. A hug from your phone, if you will!
*Dogs who snore louder than you. I am listening to the Gizz snoring right now...and he was at my inlaws the last week and a half, so to have him here, snoring away...makes me happy!
*Coffee. Skinny Vanilla Latte's make things better.
*My Grandmother. I talked to her today and her 87year old ass told me that if I don't get better by the time she gets home she is going to get me. I am a little bit afraid! She is in Fla with my favorite Aunt and Uncle...and seems to be having a blast! There was a smile in her voice as she told me about what she has been doing the last 2 weeks. I pray that when I am 87, I will be living my life that same exact way. She told me that she prays for me every day (good thing, eh?) and I am pretty sure God is a little bit afraid of her, too! She has given me advice over the years. Much has gone in one ear and out the other...but a few things have stuck around...one thing she told me was that "living well is the best revenge..." Amen Gram! Amen!
*My Kate Spade handbag. It was the best birthday present I could ever have given myself!!
*My friend Cheryl, who knows when to hold em...knows when to fold em...I love to be ghetto with her...If I have to be ghetto...I'll be glad to do it with her!
*My 800 thread count sheets. Shut up. They were way on sale. They are the single most comfortable thing EVER! The thread count makes the difference.
*The movie "That Touch of Mink" with Doris Day. Really...any Doris Day movie is alright with me...I don't think of myself so much as Doris, but I love her movies! And...Carey Grant...momma mia! Fire up the time machine...I want to go back to when men were just like him...mmmmm...
*Another favorite movie...The Shawshank Redemption. Sheer determination. Nothing more.
*All things Benefit...I used to be much more of a "bene-babe" but at $3something a gallon for gas, we have to make choices!
*My neighbors...the sweetest family! 3 girls and a boy under the age of 5 and she still has my son in to play. She came over last night to check my situation...and was just the absolute sweetest woman I know!
That should be all for now...I am sure there are more, but I need to lie down!!
In no particular order...with no particular punctuation (which annoys Tori...but SmoochKiss anyway!):
*Snuggles...unexpected snuggles from the Little one...accompanied by confessions of his love and the fear that he had while I was in the hospital. He has been extra "squishy" these days. I'll take a sore belly any day, if it comes with extra "squishy."
*DKNY jeans...I can't tell you why...but my ass looks INCREDIBLE in those bad boys! And? $30 at Macy's. Well. $30 the last time I was AT Macy's, which has been a while...more DKNY love, Red delicious...is my favorite perfume!
*Champion yoga pants from Target. Simply the most comfortable pair of pants ever. I have them in gray only, because if I bought them in black, I know for a fact I would try to pass them off as work appropriate! If you don't own them, buy them!
*Waking up in the middle of the night...KNOWING that it has snowed, before you throw back the curtain to confirm. There is something so still about a fresh snow...figure out how to bottle it and there wouldn't be nearly as much stress.
*Friends that you haven't talked to in months...who hear about your recent adventure and call you. And send flowers. And make you laugh so hard that you have to threaten to hang up because your belly hurts. Everyone should have a friend like that. A friend whose couch you could lay on and laugh with. A friend who knows all about your past...and shares most of it with you!
*Friends that you don't talk to very often, but who text you when they hear of your recent adventure. A random text from a friend can be more healing than anything else. A hug from your phone, if you will!
*Dogs who snore louder than you. I am listening to the Gizz snoring right now...and he was at my inlaws the last week and a half, so to have him here, snoring away...makes me happy!
*Coffee. Skinny Vanilla Latte's make things better.
*My Grandmother. I talked to her today and her 87year old ass told me that if I don't get better by the time she gets home she is going to get me. I am a little bit afraid! She is in Fla with my favorite Aunt and Uncle...and seems to be having a blast! There was a smile in her voice as she told me about what she has been doing the last 2 weeks. I pray that when I am 87, I will be living my life that same exact way. She told me that she prays for me every day (good thing, eh?) and I am pretty sure God is a little bit afraid of her, too! She has given me advice over the years. Much has gone in one ear and out the other...but a few things have stuck around...one thing she told me was that "living well is the best revenge..." Amen Gram! Amen!
*My Kate Spade handbag. It was the best birthday present I could ever have given myself!!
*My friend Cheryl, who knows when to hold em...knows when to fold em...I love to be ghetto with her...If I have to be ghetto...I'll be glad to do it with her!
*My 800 thread count sheets. Shut up. They were way on sale. They are the single most comfortable thing EVER! The thread count makes the difference.
*The movie "That Touch of Mink" with Doris Day. Really...any Doris Day movie is alright with me...I don't think of myself so much as Doris, but I love her movies! And...Carey Grant...momma mia! Fire up the time machine...I want to go back to when men were just like him...mmmmm...
*Another favorite movie...The Shawshank Redemption. Sheer determination. Nothing more.
*All things Benefit...I used to be much more of a "bene-babe" but at $3something a gallon for gas, we have to make choices!
*My neighbors...the sweetest family! 3 girls and a boy under the age of 5 and she still has my son in to play. She came over last night to check my situation...and was just the absolute sweetest woman I know!
That should be all for now...I am sure there are more, but I need to lie down!!
Nothing a little lipstick can't fix
LORD! I am on the verge of crazy! I had not left the house since the 16th...aside from that stint at work...and then the ride home from the hospital on the 21st...so you can imagine...CRAZY! I am up to here with daytime tv, except for Ellen...LOVE ELLEN...she is some funny shit...otherwise...daytime tv sucks! In case you didn't know...Patch and Kayla are back on Days of Our Lives. I probably haven't watched DOOL since sophomore year in college? However, the characters? All the same.
Anyway...yesterday, when Merv Griffin's Crossword show came on, I thought that was going to be it for me...and frankly, if I could have, I would have put on my shoes and headed for the bridge.
Today...I SWORE was going to be different! I got up this morning...took a shower, used my best hair gunk...I was going to leave the house, belly pain be damned! And, I was going to look good doing it! I mean, if I passed out, at least I would look good, right? I even put on jeans...which I am happy/sad to report are now too big. I have faith that I will be able to grow back into them!! This colon thing can't last too long, right?
The plan was to go to the Hallmark store for webkinz (both Big and Little got good report cards...) and then the grocery store, and then Burger King. The revised plan went to the Hallmark store and Wendy's...then home to the couch! But I got out! Of the HOUSE! YAY! Let's see what tomorrow brings!
Anyway...yesterday, when Merv Griffin's Crossword show came on, I thought that was going to be it for me...and frankly, if I could have, I would have put on my shoes and headed for the bridge.
Today...I SWORE was going to be different! I got up this morning...took a shower, used my best hair gunk...I was going to leave the house, belly pain be damned! And, I was going to look good doing it! I mean, if I passed out, at least I would look good, right? I even put on jeans...which I am happy/sad to report are now too big. I have faith that I will be able to grow back into them!! This colon thing can't last too long, right?
The plan was to go to the Hallmark store for webkinz (both Big and Little got good report cards...) and then the grocery store, and then Burger King. The revised plan went to the Hallmark store and Wendy's...then home to the couch! But I got out! Of the HOUSE! YAY! Let's see what tomorrow brings!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Where is my bellybutton?
Ok...so the brief overview of where I have been and what I was doing...
I am a special agent and have been on assignment.
Or, I have been in the hospital after having emergency surgery to remove my appendix (so sad...we have been together forever.) and also some of my colon.
Now, we all know that one sounds much better than the other, and given my history, it is the hospital one. Yes. I have been in the hospital for 6 days. I have been in a lot of pain. A LOT. I have been taking pain killers to try and make that pain go away. Today is the first day I have felt even remotely well enough to be out of bed. My whole life is a crazy mess right now...but that is for another day...the big question at hand is...Where did my belly button go? There is a bandage over it. I am changing the bandage later today and will check...but can they TAKE belly buttons? Mine was a weird subject for me. It was a love/hate relationship. I will certainly miss it. Just like my boy, appendix. When I DROVE MY SELF TO THE HOSPITAL...I never dreamed that I would be missing 2 very important pieces of anatomy. Yeah. The colon is important too, and no, I don't have a colostomy bag...boy, would we have bigger issues if I did, huh?
I took a perc about an hour ago...and am getting drowsy...but have many things to talk about. My roommate. The lady across the hall who apparently thought that GOD is at the end of the call bell. The lady that works for "Room service" which is apparently this hospitals take on the cafeteria. (FYI, room service? Is for places like that Waldorf or something...NOT hospital cafeteria food.)
The mean nurse. KARMA is a bitch, lady...and I am a bigger bitch...we're both coming after you!!
Much more...but I need to lay down!!
XO...
I am a special agent and have been on assignment.
Or, I have been in the hospital after having emergency surgery to remove my appendix (so sad...we have been together forever.) and also some of my colon.
Now, we all know that one sounds much better than the other, and given my history, it is the hospital one. Yes. I have been in the hospital for 6 days. I have been in a lot of pain. A LOT. I have been taking pain killers to try and make that pain go away. Today is the first day I have felt even remotely well enough to be out of bed. My whole life is a crazy mess right now...but that is for another day...the big question at hand is...Where did my belly button go? There is a bandage over it. I am changing the bandage later today and will check...but can they TAKE belly buttons? Mine was a weird subject for me. It was a love/hate relationship. I will certainly miss it. Just like my boy, appendix. When I DROVE MY SELF TO THE HOSPITAL...I never dreamed that I would be missing 2 very important pieces of anatomy. Yeah. The colon is important too, and no, I don't have a colostomy bag...boy, would we have bigger issues if I did, huh?
I took a perc about an hour ago...and am getting drowsy...but have many things to talk about. My roommate. The lady across the hall who apparently thought that GOD is at the end of the call bell. The lady that works for "Room service" which is apparently this hospitals take on the cafeteria. (FYI, room service? Is for places like that Waldorf or something...NOT hospital cafeteria food.)
The mean nurse. KARMA is a bitch, lady...and I am a bigger bitch...we're both coming after you!!
Much more...but I need to lay down!!
XO...
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