So...last night I did something I am not so proud of. Don't get all excited...it really isn't that bad...but still...I am not proud of it at all.
The night started out ok...although we were all running late...and by late, I mean an hour behind schedule. Mine? Due to kids taking FOR EVER to eat dinner? Trish? Due to the fact that her ailing mother requires more care than before. David? He just goes with the flow...his flow is just later than others...
Anyway...we hit a cute little Mexican place near by...I only wanted Guac. David only wanted food. Trish? A Double Margarita...So the waiter wasn't so good...so the salsa wasn't so authentic...so the air conditioner wasn't so working...we had fun...laughs...whatever. This lead us to another bar in a cute little snobby town. I never blend well in those situations. My Target shorts stood out like sore thumbs among the high end labels and the Prada handbags. In fact, my 4$ flip flops almost had me owning the joint...as I slipped on some spilled beer and pulled a "Dorothy Hamill" across the floor. The Russian judges gave me a 4.8. Mother fucker. Anyway...we bailed on the pretentious...and went to hang out where you can get away with 4$ flip flops and you are never going to be the worst dressed! Wow. I just realized...I am no where near the point of this story...
Anyway...We are hanging out...and really, the crowd is quite thin...and low brow at the same time...just the way I like it. Our one friend is recently divorced and losing a wife has caused him to gain a drinking problem. I don't really think it is that bad...but I exaggerate a little. So...as the night goes on, a woman is playing pool. I noticed this woman RIGHT AWAY, because she wasn't BORN a woman. She is most certainly harboring a penis. Fine. What ever...the Bon Jovi look went out in 1989 anyway...She certainly could have benefited from our fashion advice (I refer you to my Target shorts and 4$ flip flops) but she is playing pool, and beating our friend. This is turning our friend on. He is pretty buzzed and clearly doesn't realize she is a he. There are some close conversations, which prompt me to ask some of the others to save him. Everyone else agrees that he is amusing and thinks they will let it go, just to see what happens...as T and I are singing karaoke (Thank you for being a friend...for those keeping track at home...) I notice he is leaving with her...so...I stop singing and try to get David to go and stop it. I don't notice until too late, that my frantic arm motions are causing others in the bar to take notice of the departing couple...anyway...he doesn't go home with her...he comes back in...and goes on about how pretty she is. Clearly, he needs to a) find his glasses and b) lay off the crack pipe. We encourage him to sing...and off he goes. As we are talking, it somehow comes up that I should kiss him. No. Not going to happen. Then there was talk of $. Now it is half way between paydays, I would sell my soul for $50. So...as the kitty grows, I contemplate. The pot rose to a week of Starbucks. All I had to do was walk over and kiss him and David would buy me Starbucks for a week. I really tossed this around. That is $25. I have done worse for less. But I didn't think I could. I mean...you don't feed a stray dog, right? I knew I couldn't shake him. Well...the kitty goes to $30 worth of Starbucks. No. Still can't do it. So. David looks at Trish and says..."I knew she wouldn't do it." OH. NO. YOU. DIDN'T. I looked at him...said "Fuck you" walked over and stuck my tongue in Gary's mouth. Then, walked away. Everyone was just standing there...Brian had his yap wide open...he couldn't believe it. I am a 12 year old when it comes to dares. Don't dare me. So. I have Starbucks coming for the next 6 days. I told Gary we could never talk about that again...as he came at me for another kiss. I knew that would happen.
Now...I am wading through the texts from everyone...because you know? Everyone is a comedian.
No comments:
Post a Comment