I have been really doing a lot of thinking lately...well...that and cruising facebook for pictures of me in 1989...but whatever...
A recent series of events has left me wondering if I will ever truly know happiness. If I will ever be able to find it on my own, you know, without a roadmap and some serious directions...
I recognize that things are not how I would like them to be...and I seem content to just sit and wallow in self pity, rather than pull myself up and out of this funk. Financially, this separation was the worst thing that I have ever done. The good folks at all of the major utilities are being kind...but I know that they need their $$ soon, or we won't have to worry that the gas is off, because we won't be able to see anyway! I have applied and gotten a part time job, but I can't start until the 19th, and really, it is only 10 hours/week...not exactly big bank. I can't really afford to file for divorce...because if I do, I will owe him money. So. While that goes a long way to prove my point in this whole separation...it doesn't help me put gas in the car or food on the table!
Emotionally, I have learned that I am co-dependant. An outside observer pointed this out to me. She did it in a very loving, kind way...and Eureeka! It's true! It sucks. Because I ended up glomming on to someone that I wouldn't necessarily have glommed onto, had I been in a different situation. I allowed myself to be fooled by early behavior...and I can't seem to get over it. I basically allowed someone to shit on me...and then kick me while I lay there. The sad part is, I feel like I would roll over, so they could do it again. Where did my self worth go? What am I teaching my kids? I burst into tears randomly. And, while I would never really physically harm myself, it is something that I have contemplated on way more than one occasion. Don't worry...I have a therapist...she is aware...
I guess I just don't see an end in sight to any of this...I left my husband, I can't afford to live like this, I entered into an unhealthy relationship that instead of removing myself from, I was thrown out of...
I know that I have my health. I have my family. I have my job. And I thank God every day for these things...I just wish that for a few minutes, I could catch a break.
A girl can dream...
2 comments:
love you
Hey.
I have come here from Bossy's comment section. Your comment could have been written by me about six months ago. My hasbeened is/was a Fox-News- watching Republican who made me feel as though nothing I did or say could possibly be right since I didn't agree with every piggish thing he thought. And did. I was so very blindly in love.
I have just deleted a bunch of info that I wrote here originally that you may find comforting but which I don't want plastered all over the internet. But if you knew my story, which I'd be happy to share with you, you just might feel a little better.
You are not alone. You are worth more than he is. You will be happy. Money be damned. (I know the feeling. I could write a soap opera on the money problems. And Way Too Many Other Nightmares.)
CHIN UP. You will be stronger, better and more passionate than ever when this is all said and done.
You and your true self will prevail. You have the strength and you can do it.
-cbw
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