Tonight, I found myself in a situation that I never thought I would be in. I was shopping for a dress for my child! Now, you know that I only have boys...so what the heck?
It's Halloween! Don't worry...they are going trick or treating as very manly men. Little is going to be a goth/zombie/Frankenstein guy and Big is going to be an army man. Both very testosterone laden and masculine. However, Big was once again, invited to the party of the year! Honestly, this girl goes all out for her birthday party. I would LOVE to do this! This year, the theme is "red carpet bash" and you are supposed to come as your favorite celeb. Big at first wanted to be Clint Eastwood or some shit like that...and I was all...No baby! Why don't we bust out the wig from last year and you can goes as Britney! Hell to the yeah! It really took about a second for him to come on board that train! So...that is how I ended up shopping for dresses, no, GOWNS...for my son!
This took us to the local goodwill. Now, please don't get me wrong. I have shopped at the goodwill. I take my crap there...and I bring other peoples crap home...and so I know, there are good Goodwill's, and there are not so good ones. This one? NOT SO GOOD. You could guess that from the smell. At least that is how I can tell. This one stunk...and there was just crap all over. I didn't think we were going to find anything...until Little spots the wedding section! It was like the 1990's threw up all over the back of the store. I swear I saw a gown just like the one I wore back on that fateful day, 14 years ago. I mean, it was white. Puffy sleeves, lace, and sequins. Put it together and you have a wedding gown from the 90's. Anyway...we were browsing the selection...I was trying to keep the giggle brothers out of the way...and I found the dress. It is plum velvet. Long. High slit. Perfect for the party...and at 14.99, a real steal. We had to tackle the issue of trying that on. Both dressing rooms were occupied by women who reminded me of myself at Macy's on a good sale day. They were getting down to business. So...he takes his coat off and I try the dress on right there in the store. Good move. And Bad move. It was tight, but over a pair of Levi's and a sweatshirt, I figured we were good. Off we go to pay. The cashier looks at me and says, "you know this is 14.99, right?" I did. But apparently, people don't have that kind of jingle to toss around? Because he looked at me like I was nuts...Uhm...14.99 is probably a good 50$ less than what a dress would set me back at the Halloween store...anyway...
We get home and Big goes to try it on for realz. Uhm. Here is where the problem comes in. He has a wiener. It is obvious in a dress. REAL obvious. I mean, my kid is 11, but still...it is obvious that something isn't right in Britney-ville. So...this is where my dilemma comes in. What do I do with the wiener? I pose this question to my mother. She apparently was laughing too hard and my dad had to respond. My friend Scott said he didn't know anything about hiding a wiener...weren't boys supposed to show them off? (I am dealing with him later.) So...I ask you...where does it go? Scott did mention tighty whiteys. I have no idea if that will solve the problem or not. I know when I am trying to hold things in, I wear a control top hose. Perhaps?
The good news is, he has the cutest little butt in this dress!
Pictures on Saturday, I promise!