off my chest

• If you are 45 years old...you don't need to avoid eye contact with me...I have been your sister in law for almost 14 years. I have known you for as long as you have known your own son.
• If you think that leaving me mean messages on my voice mail is the way to make things happen, you haven't learned anything in the past 16 years.
• If passive aggressive were a sport, you would be the olympic record holder.
• That 10 minute soliloquy that I was subjected to the other night was beautiful. You should seriously think about a career in acting.
• I am not sure when NOT DOING ANYTHING different began to constitute change...but if it does, we have been changing for a long time. Maybe we need to stop.
• I know he is your son. BELIEVE me, I know.
• If you think that I WANT to be living this, that this is what I dreamed of when I was a little girl, you might want to lie down...because YOU ARE CRAZY!

surprise

Uhm.
So...I am sitting here...and Little comes down...he is clearly up to something, because there is a shit grin on his face. The convo that he will repeat to his therapist in 10 years, went like this:

Little: Close your eyes.
Me: No way, Jose...I am not falling for that one.
Little: Come on mom, it isn't bad.
Me: Yeah. Nope. Not doing it...what do you have?
Little: Nothing! NOTHING
(at this point I notice the noise...bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)
Me: OMG! Give it to me. GIVE IT TO ME!!!
Little: Why?
Me: OMG! That is MOMMY'S. GIVE IT TO ME!

Trip to the therapist- $25 copay
blue plastic vibrator- $15
Look on your mothers face when she realizes that you found it?- Priceless.

Hello Kitty

Many things are changing here at casa de crazy. One thing will remain the same. I will never get a break. Here is an example:
Yesterday, I decided to pull the trigger and buy a new grill. The grill that we have hasn't worked since Nam...and I wanted me a burger. So...I looked and looked...and found one at Wmart for a cool hunge. (100, hundo...)anyway...They came assembled or unassembled. There was no change in price. I? Still drive a Saturn. There was no way I was going to fit a fully assembled grill into the back seat of said Saturn. No sir.
So, I opted for unassembled. I struggled to get the grill down from the shelf...I gave up when it became clear that I was going to become trapped underneath that grill if I were to continue attempting to get this grill down, without help.
Fast forward 20 minutes and I am zooming down the road with an unassembled grill in my back seat.
My parents were coming down today to help me buy this grill. I went all independent on them and bought it myself. I did the research. I know BTUs. So, my dad was going to help me put it together. BBBZZZTTTTT. Wrong again. I was going to do this myself. I didn't get much sleep last night, but I was determined to start that grill. The directions said it should take approx. 45 minutes. BBBBBZZZZZTTTT. Hey! It took me 45 minutes to figure out which pieces were the legs. I was clad entirely in my jammies. Hello Kitty jams to be exact. On my front porch. Recently single. Hello. Perhaps I should have showered and applied a full face of make up...but that is hind sight. I got that damn grill together...2 hours and much swearing later. It isn't together exactly correct, and between you and I? I totally disposed of the extra parts, so my dad wouldn't know. But...the best part is the text that I just got.
J: You got the grill together!
Me: Uhm...yeah...how did you know?
J: I drove past you this morning.
Me: In. My. Jammies?
J: Yep. That's why I didn't stop.
Me: Uhm. OMG. I am so embarrassed.

Allow me just to say that J is a hot local guy...and while I have no intention of beginning to date any time soon, if I were...J would SOOO be on the top of the list. However, I think that my hello kitty jammies just took him out of the running. I suppose I will rethink doing things on the porch in the morning.