Tuesday, May 29, 2007

the govenor and the general

I need to get it out because if I don't...I will probably clean something else. And frankly, we are out of cleaner. I just cleaned the kitchen with Windex. That is a bad sign.
My husband has been away for 2 weeks on his annual training. This is where I should put my disclaimer in, stating that I respect the military and all the men and women, who serve. That isn't what this is about. This is about me and my selfish self. Him being gone isn't the bad part. Hell. Go. Don't call. Don't write. But don't fucking blame me if I go crazy while you are gone. I have had 2 weeks of relative calmness. For 10 of the last 14 days, my boys have been angels. But OMG. I think I could kill them both and bury their bodies in the basement. We have a family wedding that we are flying to on Thursday. They are going to get to see their cousins for 4 days. Yes. We are all excited. But I will refer you to the fact that my husband is not at home. Which, in case you didn't realize, means that I have to clean the house, wash the clothes, figure out which of the clothes we are taking, and then pack the clothes. Oh. Did I mention that my kids have been on strike (their teachers) for the last week? Yeah. So in their mind they are on Summer vacation. Not so much. So. I think that I have everything under control...but still. There have been some near misses.
First I had an issue with a Pap smear. Oh fuck you if you don't want to read about it. So, I had to go back so he could get a better look at my hoohoo. Thanks. Like it wasn't bad enough the first go around, he has to use some crazy looking thing that looked like a telescope to zoom in on my cervix. Then...I got the old..."this is going to pinch." I can assure you that a pinch on the arm and a pinch on the cervix hurt in 2 very different ways. Then there was talk of "nothing in the vagina for 7 days." I'm sorry, what? What do you mean, Nothing in the vagina for 7 days? I am about to start my period? Do you MEAN no tampons, or are you just referring to random things I might stick in there? Turns out. Tampons. So. At 36 years old, I am learning the ins and outs of the pad. LOVE the pad. Hell no I don't. I can't believe that they even still make them. Girls are having sex LONG before their period. Give them a tampon and let's go. So. Here I am, and of course I decided that I needed the winged kind. Why? To complicate things of course. Uhm. The wings? Get stuck EVERY FUCKING TIME. Each time goes the same...me trying my hardest to keep them from sticking. Sometimes usine 2 hands and my chin. NOTHING WORKS. And. Riddle me this. How come I get the old "nothing in the vagina for 7 days" when the only thing I WANT to stick in said vagina is a tampon? Why can't I get those orders when above mentioned husband is around? I don't get it. You can rest assured that when I retell this story to sgt. hard on, the doctor will have said 14 days.
Then. Today. I went to the CVS to refill the crazy pills. Yeah. I mentioned the family vacation thing, you didn't think I would go without those, did you? Well. The bitch, I mean pharmacist starts giving me a little trouble with my rx. Whoa. Bitch. Take another look at what you are about to refill for me. Do you really want to bring it with me? I didn't think so. One good thing about being crazy and getting your rx filled at the local drugstore, those bitches are always so nice. Always offering free stuff, going out of their way to make sure I am taken care of...then Sally intern in her little white jacket wants to start? Really? You want to live to graduate from Duquesne, bitch? Fill the Effexor. Meanwhile, I have the govenor(P) and the general (L) climbing all over the bloodpressure machine, and random customers. Part of me just wanted to pretend they weren't mine. I often wonder....what would happen? I know the big one could find his way home...so I guess that wouldn't work.
We get home...and I am faced with 2 more loads of laundry and cleaning the bathroom. The govenor and the general are going BANANAS at this point. No one wants to shower. No one wants to clean their room. Our houses are pretty close together and so it was difficult for me to hold my tongue. I like to get real close to them and explain in my nicest voice that just because mommy can't yell, doesn't mean they are not going to get spanked if they don't listen to me. There is a small amount of fear that still comes in to play. I don't know what I would do if they both looked at me and called bullshit. Frankly, the govenor is way too big to spank. I could use a tip I learned the hard way from my mother, and that is that the fucking spatula with the holes? HURTS LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER...and LEAVES MARKS.
Anyway....In with the good air....out with the bad.

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