Seriously...if the word "retard" at all offends you...even mildly, please stop reading this. No joke. I am about to go all politically incorrect on your asses...and I don't want anybody getting all uppity on me. One mean comment and I am taking your shit off my Christmas card list...are we clear?
So...if you have gotten this far, you are obviously interested in what I have to say that is so fucking p.i.c. (politically incorrect.) Welp. Friday, I volunteered at the "day of caring" with the special olympics. Honest to God, there was not much thought involved in me volunteering. I shake my head...because I know how I am. Not a source of comfort...no calm in a storm. I am a smartmouthed mother fucker who likes to make fun of things...and retards are no different. So. I am there...all waiting to volunteer...and these school buses pull up and kids get off. And, honestly, I am thinking..."hmm...these kids don't look like there is THAT much wrong with them. This is going to be a piece of cake." Yeah. Those kids getting off of the buses? They were student helpers...not the actual retards...btw...they are ATHLETES not retards...that is just a small note to myself...one that I had to constantly repeat over and over in my head...because frankly, I am a train wreck waiting to happen...unleash this shit at a Special Olympics event and my shit is having a hard time NOT verbalizing what is in my head. So. Finally the ATHLETES start coming. And...I am paired up with a mean little girl. Seriously...can I trade up for a cute little Down Syndrome girl, please? Uhm. No trades were permitted. Obviously, they needed help running this show...what do you mean I can't TRADE? So...my ATHLETE and I start to go to the first event...oh how cute...she is RUNNING to the running event. Surely we have a winner here, right? She is 8 and probably as strong as I am...mother fucker...and running was something she was good at. When I finally had her corralled to the event...she gets up to the starting line...and stands there. They said go...they are yelling encouraging things at her...hell, I am even encouraging her...but nothing...Then we get done...and she wants to follow some lady with a dog...seriously? Who brings a dog to these things? NO DOGS. If I ran the show. Dogs wouldn't be allowed, but trades WOULD. So...we get her ribbon...and go to the next event. I will refer you back to the part where I said she is STRONG. She decides that she wants to go to some OTHER event...and won't switch directions. I can't even TRICK her in to turning around...Nothing. So finally, she sits down on a chair in the middle of the track...which is where the ATHLETES are to sit...the ones who will participate in that event...Anyway...finally we go back and it is the standing long jump. Yay! She is going to be a natural at this? Not so much. After much coaxing...and me jumping 5 or 6 times, they take MY scores. Surely that means we won the gold right? NOT so much. We got a silver. What? I placed second to another retard who is 8? I demand a recount. That is so not right. And if you make fun of me for being runner up in the Special Olympics, I will remove your ass from my Christmas card list too. Yes. It is funny. But no, I don't want to be reminded of it. And. That bitch got to keep MY silver medal. What ever. She did place first in the softball throw without any help from me, what so ever. I taught her how to do a celebratory dance, and point and yell IN YOUR FACE at all of the other little kids. That's right...we kicked ass! In the special olympics...Next year...I am going to stomp on those kids in a wheel chair...if I am asked back.