Don't be a hater...

Mother's day came and went...with limited fanfare around these parts. Public school has really stepped up their game as far as holiday swag goes. I got a shit load of stuff this year...allow me to extrapolate. (OMG. I totally used that word)
Big's swag bag contained a marigold potted in a pot with a picture of him glued to the front, lest I forget what he looks like. It also contained a flower made of construction paper with a pledge on each petal. (Here is an insightful look into casa de crazy...) The middle says "Dear Mom, I'd like to show you in my own way, how much I love you each and every day." Please don't think he wrote that. It doesn't have football in it. He had nothing to do with it. The petals each say "I promise to" and the kid filled them in. Here is a list of his promises:

1. Get the mail (from the sounds of this, you could deduce that we either get a shitload of mail, or we live at the end of a long country road. Neither would be correct.)
2. Not record on the DVR (a little background on this? I was pissed the other day when Grey's Anatomy didn't record because the DVR was at 100% with the Deadliest Catch and Spongebob episodes.
3. make breakfast on mother's day (if by make breakfast he meant to sit on the couch and ask if he could have another pop tart, then he SOO did this.)
4. clean my face (This kid could make a mess eating ice. I have an anxiety attack any time we have wings or ribs. Not pretty)
5. not beat up Little (AS IF)

So damn sweet.

The swag from Little was even better! It included a flower of unknown origin planted in a regular pot, without a picture on it. (I am afraid I might forget what he looks like) A flower made of tissue paper, and a homemade card. The card touts the ways in which I am special...Here goes:

My Mom's name is (Misspelled)

She is special because (she buy me ice cream) That's right. I buy ice cream. Jealous much?

I like it when my mom (tickles me) OMG. So cute

My mom can do many things! I think she's best at (cooking) uhm...hey kid. They are talking about ME! Cooking? Really? THAT is what I do best? Heaven help us.

My mom has a pretty smile! I like to make her smile by (going crazy) Yep. That will do it.

My mom is as pretty as a (Princess) Who moved up to favorite? That's right!

My mom is smart. She even knows (everything) Are you starting to think maybe he copied off the kid next to him, so he could go outside faster? I know I am!

I like to tell my mom (I love her) Collective AWWWW!

It was a nice Mother's Day. Little picked the menu for dinner. We had Bourbon Chicken and Tater Tots...that is sooo how we roll around here!

Everythings gonna be alright...

I love my boys...they try my patience on a daily basis, but I LOVE them.

Yesterday, the boys and I drove to meet my mom and my gram for dinner. The ride MAYBE took 20 minutes. MAYBE. Apparently, 20 minutes is too long...because Little decided to take the lemon scented magic marker and color his entire ENTIRE hand yellow. Front and back. Yellow. I didn't realize that is what he was doing...I was on the phone with a co worker...discussing very important work business...so...when we pulled in to the restaurant parking lot, I heard him giggle. I didn't know what he was doing. I looked up and there is this YELLOW hand. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry.
As that is going on...Big is talking about the $300 that I owe him. Please know that my kids do this. They often say "you said you would give me a dollar...or you promised we could go here..." and I didn't. But I fall for it every time. But. He was pushing his luck with $300. I KNOW I didn't promise him that kinda cash. I mean, hell, I don't even know that I HAVE $300 right now. So, I ask him what the hell he is talking about? Turns out he thinks I owe him his part of the stimulus check that we are getting from the government. SHUT UP! Can someone PLEASE keep my kid away from Fox news. Thanks. He is trying to shake me down for the money I get for having him. I am not sure where these kids come from.
But I love them.

how can you not love this face?

Loving this...my little PIRATE!

baby girl...

ain't got a motorboat, but I can float your boat...I can't get that song out of my head.
Funny...when something gets stuck there...it is STUCK there.

SO...I took that LOA from my life. I did a lot of thinking. And, I read something that basically said "There is a difference between just existing and living." and it hit me in the face. I have been 'just existing' for so long now...(I heard you say, No DUH!) but I didn't realize it. No. Really, I didn't.
So...long about Monday night, after spending the weekend avoiding my husband, I opened my mouth to speak and "I don't think this is working any more" spilled out. I know it crushed him. I know it hurt. I know how much. Believe me, I know how much. But. I couldn't take it back. I don't think I want to take it back.
There has been much discussion with me and my therapist (she was not surprised.) and C and I. And C, our couples therapist, and me. There have been many tears. MANY tears. The thing is. I don't hate him. I can't hate him. I just don't know if I can get beyond the hurt. And, I am tired of putting everyone else in front of me...when no one is putting me first. How is that fair?
There is more...but I am tired of talking about it right now. The gist is...he is leaving tomorrow for 2 weeks at summer camp for the Army. We are taking this time to cool off and see what happens. Lots of stuff to think about.
The part that freaks me out? Is how relieved I feel having said that. It can only get better, now.