Thursday, May 01, 2008

baby girl...

ain't got a motorboat, but I can float your boat...I can't get that song out of my head.
Funny...when something gets stuck there...it is STUCK there.

SO...I took that LOA from my life. I did a lot of thinking. And, I read something that basically said "There is a difference between just existing and living." and it hit me in the face. I have been 'just existing' for so long now...(I heard you say, No DUH!) but I didn't realize it. No. Really, I didn't.
So...long about Monday night, after spending the weekend avoiding my husband, I opened my mouth to speak and "I don't think this is working any more" spilled out. I know it crushed him. I know it hurt. I know how much. Believe me, I know how much. But. I couldn't take it back. I don't think I want to take it back.
There has been much discussion with me and my therapist (she was not surprised.) and C and I. And C, our couples therapist, and me. There have been many tears. MANY tears. The thing is. I don't hate him. I can't hate him. I just don't know if I can get beyond the hurt. And, I am tired of putting everyone else in front of me...when no one is putting me first. How is that fair?
There is more...but I am tired of talking about it right now. The gist is...he is leaving tomorrow for 2 weeks at summer camp for the Army. We are taking this time to cool off and see what happens. Lots of stuff to think about.
The part that freaks me out? Is how relieved I feel having said that. It can only get better, now.

4 comments:

Backpacking Dad said...

Wow.

I stumbled...

...across this. And I feel like an intruder.

But, love to you. Even if only from a stranger, maybe it means something.

Melissa said...

Aw honey. Like I've told you before, feel free to stalk me down if you need to. Otherwise, I'm sending positive vibes your way. I hope this break gives you the time you guys need....

MadWoman said...

Oh man. I haven't got many words. I too took a leave of absence from my own life for about 2 months and made many decision, none as huge as this. I hope that you can get through this hard time with as few tears and scars as possible.

Hugs and love to you from this perfect stranger.

Rikki said...

Wow. I don't know what to say. I hope writing it out helps. You took the first step...hopefully things get better.

Hugs from another stranger.