Monday, April 19, 2010

a fresh start...or...the magic 8 ball

Today I woke up at 5:45 FREEZING...that is where the first mistake occurred. I dug out a nice, soft, warm blanket and wrapped up in it. 2 1/2 hours later I was trying to drag myself out of bed. Oh. I don't have a job...but I do have to get two kids off to school by 9 at the very latest!
With the boys in various stages of ready, I drove them to school. This morning, I was able to teach them that if you throw shoes at one another, you should make sure you know where they land, because in the morning, when your mom gets you up way late and yells for 15 minutes, if you can't find your're going to be in trouble. Who throws shoes at one another? Turns out. My kids. Little almost had to go to school in boots. Which, while I don't care, bothered him.
So. With the boys safely in the care of the public school, I set out to find a job. Or at least a direction to go in. I wish I cared a little more...but I really don't. I have a pretty good gig right now! The only one who has it better is the dog...and that fucker shits on the floor.
So...I find a career test. Yes! I am already ahead of the game! 24 questions and I will have the answer to the question that has been burning a hole in my head. 12 questions into it and the coffee kicks in. Poop break. No good. That will skew the results for sure...I mean, I have A.D.D. like the rest of America. If I get up? I will never know what could have been. If I don't get up? I will shit on the floor.
The options seemed clear cut. You'll be pleased to know that I did not shit on the floor.
I finish the test. The results...are as confusing as 6th grade math. Are you kidding me? I am a color? I am blue? How in the fuck is that helpful? Can you get paid for being blue? Those blue men aside, I don't think so.
So...I google "I don't know what to do with my life." This? I don't recommend. If you are in the state that you are googling that, you probably will not be comforted by the fact that you are in the company of a Chinese man, a 25 year old, and a bipolar individual. Now...I am not saying there is anything wrong with any of those situations. They are just not like mine. I am not Chinese, nor a man, I am pushing 40, while I might be a little loopy, I have not been diagnosed bipolar.
Basically, googling that search was the equivalent of shaking the magic 8 ball and asking it what I should do. I am no further ahead.
So. Then I go to the state unemployment site. I have a college degree. I am fairly intelligent. But I can't for the life of me figure out what is up. Will my benefits be extended? Should I really roll those dice? I mean, sure, I love having no responsibility. But, I also love having a car that runs and food on the table. Oh. And a roof over that table! I just don't know!
If I could write a resume that looks just like me it would say: quirky, sarcastic, adorable woman seeks high paying, low responsibility job. Hours available 10-2. Weekends not optional.
I am fairly certain prostitute is about all I qualify for.

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