So...last night, I met some friends for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory.
These were not ordinary friends, these were sorority sisters...some that I haven't seen in 15 years.
Naturally, I was nervous. I am just coming out of a failed marriage. I am sad a lot. So, I was afraid that I would be the only one there who was in a bad situation.
It was such a nice surprise to go with these ladies and not have it be a "look at me" show. Everyone was so nice and so sweet...it was just nice to be there.
I am relying on my friends a lot more than I thought...and I am finding these friends in the strangest of places. People that I felt certain I would be able to count on for anything, let me down. People that I would never have suspected, are doing more than their part. It makes me feel good, in a way that I haven't felt in a long time. I hope that the friendships that were rekindled last night, continue to grow and build on what we have in common, as well as how much we have changed. I guess I'll keep you posted!

Too Cool for SCHOOL!

 

Here we are...all ready for the first day!
God are they cute!

Dream a little dream of me...

I have been really doing a lot of thinking lately...well...that and cruising facebook for pictures of me in 1989...but whatever...
A recent series of events has left me wondering if I will ever truly know happiness. If I will ever be able to find it on my own, you know, without a roadmap and some serious directions...
I recognize that things are not how I would like them to be...and I seem content to just sit and wallow in self pity, rather than pull myself up and out of this funk. Financially, this separation was the worst thing that I have ever done. The good folks at all of the major utilities are being kind...but I know that they need their $$ soon, or we won't have to worry that the gas is off, because we won't be able to see anyway! I have applied and gotten a part time job, but I can't start until the 19th, and really, it is only 10 hours/week...not exactly big bank. I can't really afford to file for divorce...because if I do, I will owe him money. So. While that goes a long way to prove my point in this whole separation...it doesn't help me put gas in the car or food on the table!
Emotionally, I have learned that I am co-dependant. An outside observer pointed this out to me. She did it in a very loving, kind way...and Eureeka! It's true! It sucks. Because I ended up glomming on to someone that I wouldn't necessarily have glommed onto, had I been in a different situation. I allowed myself to be fooled by early behavior...and I can't seem to get over it. I basically allowed someone to shit on me...and then kick me while I lay there. The sad part is, I feel like I would roll over, so they could do it again. Where did my self worth go? What am I teaching my kids? I burst into tears randomly. And, while I would never really physically harm myself, it is something that I have contemplated on way more than one occasion. Don't worry...I have a therapist...she is aware...
I guess I just don't see an end in sight to any of this...I left my husband, I can't afford to live like this, I entered into an unhealthy relationship that instead of removing myself from, I was thrown out of...
I know that I have my health. I have my family. I have my job. And I thank God every day for these things...I just wish that for a few minutes, I could catch a break.

A girl can dream...

The meme...which I don't understand what that meme's (hahaha)

THIS IS ME:
Eye Color: Hazel
Hair Color: light golden brown with caramel highlights
--Dyed or Natural: yeah. dyed. Naturally would probably be salt n' peppa
--Curly or Straight: crazy curly...but I straighten it everyday...
Right- or Left-handed: right
Tan or Pale: I am fair skinned...ok...pale.
Jeans or Khakis: yoga pants
Country, Rap, or Rock: really? one or the other? No. How about rock/country/rap in that order?
Car: the Saturn
Place in order of preference--T.V., book, movie, music: book, music, movie, tv
Your heritage: I am proud to be a mutt!
Shoes you're wearing today: bare feet
Your weakness(es): a nice smelling man, babies, pizza
Your perfect pizza: pepperoni from Frank's...or plain cheese from anywhere else.
Favorite color: black
Favorite place: the beach on Marco Island. It is paradise...for sure.
Goal you'd like to achieve: be happy with myself.
Your most overused phrase(s): Dudes! I don't think I have any, yo.
Your thoughts first waking up: I'm going back to sleep!
Your best physical feature(s): my smile
Your bedtime: usually 1030 or 11.
Your most missed memory: would have to be growing up...as kids we would spend a few weeks with my grandparents at their country house (sounds way more impressive than it is.) They had running water from a spring, but it was only cold. We heated water over the stove to wash dishes and faces. All 4 cousins slept together in the same bed. We spent all day playing and fishing and picking berries and being kids. Dinner was often cooked over the fire that we would roast marshmallows over later that night. Someone always stopped over...a neighbor, a relative. It was such a peaceful time. After my grandparents died, my dad and my aunt ended up selling the house, as it was in desperate need of updates. The people bought it and burned it down. I can't bring myself to drive past there today.
Pepsi or Coke: Diet Pepsi
McDonald's or Burger King: nothing with a drive thru, please.
Single or group dates: Does this mean do I want to go out with a group of men or just one at a time? Either way, GROUP! hee hee
Adidas or Nike: Nike for shoes, Adidas for clothes.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: diet Lipton with lemon
Chocolate or vanilla: swirl them together!
Cappuccino or coffee: Coffee...or skinny vanilla latte!

DO YOU:
Smoke: No.
Cuss: like a sailor.
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend: I have several girlfriends...but not in the Cherry Chapstick way...
Take a shower: yes...sometimes twice a day
Have a crush(es): yeah. Hello? Michael Phelps!
Think you've been in love: I think I have covered that base.
Want to get married: again? the jury is out.
Believe in yourself: learning to...
Believe in God: yes
Believe in your government: I don't know how I feel about this, so I will go on to the next one.
Get motion sickness: yes! Don't make me read while riding or I will puke in your car.
Think you're attractive: I won't break your mirror, but I won't be on the cover of Vogue any time soon, either
Think you're a health freak: No...just a regular freak
Get along with your parents: usually
Like thunderstorms: Not really, no.

IN THE PAST MONTH, HAVE YOU:
Drank alcohol: yes
Gone on a date: yes
Gone to the mall: yes
Been on stage: no
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No. Not even half a box!
Eaten sushi: no
Been dumped: no
Gone skating: no
Gone skinny dipping: no
Stolen anything: no, I don't think that I have!

HAVE YOU EVER:
Played a game that required removal of clothing: yes
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yes
Been caught "doing something": by my college roommates.
Been called a tease: I don't think so...not to my face.
Gotten beaten up: no
Age you hope to be married: hmmm...
Number of children you'd like: I've got two...and I am cool with that.
Describe your dream wedding: One that the marriage doesn't end in divorce.

WHAT YOU LIKE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX:
Best eye color?: don't care
Best hair color?: don't care
Short or long hair: Short.
Best first date location: Cleveland
Best first kiss location: in a tree house

IN THE NUMBERS:
Number of people I could trust with my life: 3 or 4
Number of CD's: no idea
Number of piercings: my ears are pierced...
Number of tattoos: two
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: Not very many
Number of scars on my body: A lot

Tell me, tell me, tell me the answer...

50 Bonus points if you can tell me the song that line comes from...without GOOGLE!

so...my homework for the therapist is to figure out what is best for ME.
Christ on a cracker...why not just ask me to solve the worlds energy problems...or finish the NYTimes crossword puzzle or something a tad bit easier.
You see...my dilemma is this...do I file for divorce and be able to get on with my life in a normal manner? or do I continue to ride the separation bus until it comes to a crashing end?
Sit and ponder for a minute, then let me know.

K...so I am guessing an hour has passed and you are no closer to an answer than I am. I wouldn't mind if you would just tell me what to do...and then, incidentally, if what I should do includes getting a divorce, then please also pass the bar exam quick, so you can do the divorce for free...mkay?

Getting a divorce will break me, financially. I am convinced of this.
Staying married because of that will break me emotionally. I am convinced of this, too.

The only difference that I can see is that if I go for broke financially, creditors and collectors will come a calling.
If I go for broke emotionally, I don't think anyone will notice the difference.

I need someone to tell me what to do...yet I don't want anyone to.
I have always believed that as long as I made decisions based only on what I thought...no matter how it ended, I could know that I was the only one to blame. Currently, I am willing to suspend that logic in exchange for some solid advice.

This is where I solicit you!

March 1, 1964 - August 1, 2008

I wonder if you know how much I looked up to you when we were younger?
I wonder if you know how much your smile and your laughter were contagious?
I wonder if you know how I noticed that you always did the right thing, even when doing so was the hardest thing you had to do?
I wonder...and I will never know the answer...
It has probably been 5 years since the last time we talked...you told me about your wife and your daughters and your job...and how proud you were of all of those things. We laughed about old times. We laughed about people that we used to know. People who had fallen out of our lives...like we had fallen out of each others...my call was just a small attempt to keep in touch. I should have made more of an effort.
I always always always talk think about you when the Chicago song "25 or 6 to 4" comes on...I can remember you telling me about how that song came about. I can still tell the story...and I do! I don't know if it is the truth or not...because you were pretty darn believable...but I tell it like it is gospel.
I remember you had that blue convertible...your baby...and you took such care of it. I remember you taking me for a ride one day...I was maybe 17 at the time...and the typical 17 year old problems weighed heavily on my mind...and you put the top down...turned up the radio...and we drove...and the wind carried my problems away...
I remember you and Junior coming over to my house after work...my parents loved you, Joe...honestly, I could have probably killed a man and as long as you said it was ok, it would have been ok with my parents. And we would sit and watch tv and goof off.
You gave me my first real job. And then you gave me my second job. You sent me flowers on my birthday when I was away at school. I can still see the bouquet. You made me laugh. You dried my tears.
I am sorry that we drifted apart. I am sorry, because I know that you were the kind of person that everyone should have in their life.
Did you know that about a month or so ago, I tried to find you and your phone number? I took the boys to Florida and we were going to be spending a day in Ft. Lauderdale. I knew you lived there...so I wanted to try to meet up. I couldn't come up with a good phone number...and then planning the trip got in the way...so I figured that I would catch you the next time.
I wish there was a next time.
I'm sorry Joe. I am sorry that I didn't get that chance...I am sorry that my boys didn't get to meet the guy who told the story about the silly song that mommy sings on the radio. I am sorry that your wife will have a day, a week, a lifetime, without you. And I am sorry that maybe I never told you how much you did mean to me...
This one is for you...Live long and prosper...
'>http://

OOPs I did it again...

I have been absent from here...but maybe you have noticed.
I have a lot on my mind...and instead of getting easier, it seems to just be getting harder. I try to think about it...and it overwhelms me and I just stop.
How can I be sure that I am making the right decision?
How can I be sure that this is the best for everyone? Especially when one of the boys says "When is Daddy coming home?"
I feel like my life has been one bad decision after another as of lately...and when I turn and look, I don't seem to have a scrap of dignity left. Each bad decision seems to have a consequence worse than the one before...how many more, before I lose everything?
I look at my life 6 months ago...and I don't even recognize it, compared to the mess that it is today. Yes. I have people who love me. Yes. I have my health. Yes. I have my family. Yes. I have those two very sweet little boys. And, I suppose, in the over all scheme of things, that is enough...
I look at Little and when he starts to cry because I am not the one taking him to football practice, I cry too. I cry when he asks why Daddy isn't coming home. It doesn't make sense to me, so how can I explain it to him?
I need to know that I did the right thing. In my heart. I need to know that.
I need to find the strength to be independent. I need to know when to say no and not make decisions that are not 100% the right thing to do.
I need to take inventory of my life and figure out what is going to stay and what is going to go.
Keep something crossed that I make the right decisions...