slipping and falling...

I re-read a post a few down from here...where I ended with a date the next day. The guy turned out to be amazing. Amazing in so many ways. We dated only a short time...sadly, I admit. He had a smile that lit up a room. He had the cutest dimple. The kindest eyes. An adorable daughter. Many things to love. Which is what happened. And then it didn't go so well. I tried my best not not to fall. I held on to all that I could. But I kept slipping. He made it easy to slip. And then, when I fell...I really skinned my knees. I don't know for sure that he didn't feel the same. I only felt like he didn't. And that caused me to panic. I felt more uncomfortable than I wanted to. Past situations reared their ugly head...and I projected this on to our current situation...which isn't a situation any longer. I had issues with some of our differences...and I didn't think that these differences, coupled with my insecurities, could be dealt with. So. I ended things. Because I didn't want to get hurt. I didn't want to feel the pain of rejection, that I am so sure would have followed. I didn't want to snuggle with his sweet daughter for another second, lest I become anymore attached than I already was. As quickly as my walls came down, they went right back up.
I wish I could say I am sorry. I wish that I could talk to him and let him know...Maybe I will, but probably I won't.

Peace and Chicken Grease...

I keep kicking around this blog...I want to do it. I want to be able to keep up with it on a more regular basis. I know I have things to say. Shit, the things that I think in an 8 hour shift at my current part time job, would keep me busy for weeks! But I just lack the discipline. I can't make myself sit and type. I am not in love with my computer. It is a dinosaur, in that it isn't a laptop. I am even less in love with the space it is in. Mostly because Big ends up sitting here, surfing wikipedia or facebook, and spilling his sticky pop or candy all over. So, since I already have 50 other things that need cleaned, I lose interest in a distraction from cleaning, that causes me to clean. See what I mean.
But this is really just an excuse. I need an outlet. I need to vent and get it off my chest. Whatever "it" is.
I guess I will start slow...how about I tell you the story of the missing 12 year old and the ass slappin I got from the public restroom door? Oh? You've heard that one! See. Yet another reason not to keep this blog up. You've heard all my stories!

I want to do it. I think I can do it. I am going to do it!
Look for more tomorrow...which is funny, because really? No one even knows I blog! So yay!

update

Yes...I am sure everyone has heard...but Big placed 2nd in his age catagory for World Events. He tied with another boy from a neighboring district. Their team also placed second. It was awesome. And my heart almost burst when we found out the news. Just this past weekend, we received word that he was accepted into all 4 honors classes next year at the junior high! And he will take the 8th grade advanced reading course...leaving who knows what for reading in 8th grade!
I am so happy for him.
I am blessed with two very wonderful boys. Both different in their own way. Both adorable, funny, smart, cute, quirky, and sweet!
I had a great day on Sunday...dinner with my parents, the boys, and Gram...I can't get enough days like that!
I know I am very lucky!

but baby think of me once in awhile!

Ok...so I am not actually on the air at WKRP, but I am in Cincinnati! I am, for the most part, parked in the lobby of a huge hotel filled with kids far smarter than I ever could be. I am at the Academic Games tournament with the boys. Big competes. Little and I are just riding the coat tails!
I am sure this will sound so typical...but wow! Am I proud of my boy!? He is the only kid from his school to attend. He knew no one when we got here. None of us knew what to expect. And yet, we find ourselves on the edge of our seats. He is currently in 2nd place out of like 300 kids. He could win a medal. He could bring home quite an honor for a school that gets a bad wrap from out district. There really isn't any pressure to do well. He is already the first kid in 13 years to attend from our district. So, already he is a winner. He has made friends and has studied with strangers.

oh the horror

So...along with blogging...and looking for a job...and turning 40...I am giving dating a whirl. Again. And like the silly rabbit that I am, I am going right back to the online dating sites. The free ones. Of course. No job? No funds to pay for the 60/month dating habit!
I don't want this to turn into a date/bash blog. But, I have to say...the depth of the dating pool isn't very deep! I posted a profile. I put pictures on it. Of me. Of me recently. I've got some response. I had one guy, who wasn't all that attractive, but seemed nice, ask for my number so we could text. He text me and asked me for a picture. I have 7 on my profile. Not enough? Well...I only had a silly pic of me and Little on my phone. So I sent that. I didn't hear from him. Then I hear from him this morning. He asks for another picture. This time without the hat and glasses. Are you kidding me? Why not just ask my cup size and if I swallow for goodness sake. I can assure you that I will not be dating that guy. And? His loss.
Dating is a challenge, for sure!
Online dating is even harder. I get that there are people who post pictures of themselves from the third grade. Or pictures taken from space. And that is a shame...because really? Dating? Often involves seeing the person LIVE AND IN THE FLESH! So. If that isn't you? You're going to be found out! Who hasn't put on a few lbs? Who cares! I still believe that if you are a nice person. A good person. It doesn't matter what you look like. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE a good smelling man who looks nice and takes care of himself. But? If you are an asshole? There is NO amount of cologne that can cover up that stink.
But I digress...

I have a date to meet a guy for lunch tomorrow. He is very tall. And very redheaded. He also comes off really nice. We talked for an hour last night. Even if it doesn't turn out to be a love connection? I know that I will have lunch with a good guy!
Wish me luck!!

a fresh start...or...the magic 8 ball

Today I woke up at 5:45 FREEZING...that is where the first mistake occurred. I dug out a nice, soft, warm blanket and wrapped up in it. 2 1/2 hours later I was trying to drag myself out of bed. Oh. I don't have a job...but I do have to get two kids off to school by 9 at the very latest!
With the boys in various stages of ready, I drove them to school. This morning, I was able to teach them that if you throw shoes at one another, you should make sure you know where they land, because in the morning, when your mom gets you up way late and yells for 15 minutes, if you can't find your shoes...you're going to be in trouble. Who throws shoes at one another? Turns out. My kids. Little almost had to go to school in boots. Which, while I don't care, bothered him.
So. With the boys safely in the care of the public school, I set out to find a job. Or at least a direction to go in. I wish I cared a little more...but I really don't. I have a pretty good gig right now! The only one who has it better is the dog...and that fucker shits on the floor.
So...I find a career test. Yes! I am already ahead of the game! 24 questions and I will have the answer to the question that has been burning a hole in my head. 12 questions into it and the coffee kicks in. Poop break. No good. That will skew the results for sure...I mean, I have A.D.D. like the rest of America. If I get up? I will never know what could have been. If I don't get up? I will shit on the floor.
The options seemed clear cut. You'll be pleased to know that I did not shit on the floor.
I finish the test. The results...are as confusing as 6th grade math. Are you kidding me? I am a color? I am blue? How in the fuck is that helpful? Can you get paid for being blue? Those blue men aside, I don't think so.
So...I google "I don't know what to do with my life." This? I don't recommend. If you are in the state that you are googling that, you probably will not be comforted by the fact that you are in the company of a Chinese man, a 25 year old, and a bipolar individual. Now...I am not saying there is anything wrong with any of those situations. They are just not like mine. I am not Chinese, nor a man, I am pushing 40, while I might be a little loopy, I have not been diagnosed bipolar.
Basically, googling that search was the equivalent of shaking the magic 8 ball and asking it what I should do. I am no further ahead.
So. Then I go to the state unemployment site. I have a college degree. I am fairly intelligent. But I can't for the life of me figure out what is up. Will my benefits be extended? Should I really roll those dice? I mean, sure, I love having no responsibility. But, I also love having a car that runs and food on the table. Oh. And a roof over that table! I just don't know!
If I could write a resume that looks just like me it would say: quirky, sarcastic, adorable woman seeks high paying, low responsibility job. Hours available 10-2. Weekends not optional.
I am fairly certain prostitute is about all I qualify for.