Last time we heard from our heroine (does this mean girl hero or drug?) she was pining away for someone to sit pool side and heckle the other mothers in their goofy swimwear...we now join her typing furiously...having just downed a Venti Quad Shot Latte...(mmm...can I get another?)
So...yesterday...I am looking pretty cute, if I do say so myself. Hair? Not sticking up-which is a bonus...no matter how you look at it...Makeup? On-which is a switch from the norm...which involves me doing 75 in the Saturn...shifting gears, texting, and applying makeup...anyway...I get to Starbucks and WHO pulls in right after me? That's right. MC STARBUCKS. I played it coy, natch. Pretend you don't see him...right? So. There he is...in line behind me. The chit chat is adorable. I am soo a conversationalist. He says "I haven't seen you in a while." Me (make internal SQUEEE noise. Hoping that it doesn't slip out.) "Oh...I've been out of town the last 2 weeks." (said like the breathless world traveller that I am...) Him "business or pleasure?" Me (resist temptation to offer him pleasure...) "Both" of course I have to elaborate on the trip to Tahoe...because, that is just how I am. Blah Blah Blah...11 girls...trouble...Ricci...jeep...fun...giggle...giggle...Oh I am so witty. And did I mention adorable? I am irresistible, even to myself. My SF V n/f latte is done...and he says..."Oh! I've got that." That's right...you read that correctly...MC STARBUCKS BOUGHT MY LATTE!!! Oh yeah. We are so making progress. I mean...just a few months ago...we didn't even speak. Now? He is buying my breakfast!! If I play my cards right, he can be MAKING my breakfast someday!! WOOT.
Needless to say...I FUCKING SKIPPED out of Starbucks. Literally. I. LOVE. HIM.
I rolled out to a good JT "Summer Love" and all was well with the world.
Peace. and Starbucks.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Saturday, July 07, 2007
a work in progress...a draft I found...
a work in progress...let's see where it goes.
Things that I like...
Things that I like...
- Sunday mornings...cool breeze...800 thread count sheets...snuggling with myself.
- a book I can't stand to put down...that leaves me feeling like I was somehow involved.
- being told that I am the best mom in the world...when we all know that isn't the least bit true!!
- smiling so much that my face hurts.
- meeting someone who makes me smile that much!
- a good friend...who knows you...and reminds you how you once thought your youngest child had down syndrome...and continues to laugh at you...even when said child is 6...still funny, I am afraid.
- a wife beater and cut offs...the hoopie version of sex on a stick.
- summer evenings...the sound of kids playing good old fashion tag...
- minute maid light lemonade...
- skinny cow ice cream sandwiches...
- watching the boys cultivate their "Cherokee Red" mustaches' at the local dive bar where we sometimes go for dinner. Cherokee Red so reminds me of every family party we ever had! Throw in an RC cola and I am golden.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
wetawds and swimming pools...
I am not sure where this is going to end...but it starts with how proud I am of my public school, educated children. As you know, school has recently ended...the boys are making their way through this summer to the best of their ability...getting as dirty as possible and then arguing with me at 9pm that they don't NEED a shower. Right. We have joined a local community pool, so this does help out in a pinch, where showers are concerned...this is a fact that I will deny if ever questioned about it...anyway...back to my bursting with pride moments...First...they all concern the little one..."Stinky" "the General" "Loganator" "the Yellow guy" whatever you want to call him, he is fine with that...he prefers "George" but that is another story...anyway...2 weeks or so ago, I was getting him ready for bed...no small accomplishment...and he says "Mom, I have something to tell you. It's bad." Really, this doesn't alarm me. He is prone to drama (where on earth does he get that?) So...he proceeds to tell me that he needs to whisper it in my ear...because it is "so bad." He then says, in my ear, but by no means a whisper..."This kid on the bus said 'suck my boss'" I look at him. I think for a second, giggle, and then say..."Do you think he might have said, 'suck my balls'?" To which he said "OH! YEAH! That is what he said." I know, you might just be thinking that MAYBE I should have told him that wasn't nice and not to repeat it...and I did do that...but I had to correct him, because you and I both know that he is going to use that again, and frankly, he needs to be correct about it. I can't have my kid telling someone to "suck my boss" and getting laughed at...
Todays episode of "things my kid will say" comes to us live poolside...where I am desperately trying to find someone to hang out with. I don't know too many of the women there...as it is not in our school district...yes. I am playing out of my league, but not too far...I can pull it off...anyway..."the General" has a small speech problem...his "R's" often sound more like "W's" so today...he says..."Mom, a kid on the playground called someone a 'wetawd'" Oh. The word 'wetawd' made me giggle until pee threatened to come out...the thing with the speech issue is that he doesn't realize he does it, so when I repeated it just like he said it, he corrected me. God I love that kid. I did tell him that the word retard wasn't nice...but when he asked what it meant, I was at a loss for words. I simply said it meant "different." To which he said..."well the kid was acting different..." Well, then clearly the boy who called him a retard was right on the mark.
Back to the pool issue. The pool is a pool. The women go all ages...but there seemed to be a run on the "swim skirt" and it's ugly cousin "swim dress." If you are one of the swim evening gown wearers, I am not talking about you...of course not...it is just THESE women! Anyway...all I am looking for at this place is a woman I can be friends with and sit and make snarky comments to about all of the other women at the pool. I had so many funny things to say...I thought my head would explode. Like how it is NEVER flattering to lay on your side at the pool, EVER. How no matter how cute it looks on an 8 year old, a ruffled skirt does not flatter a grown woman. Shame, really, on the company that made such a thing. The weekends are great for "dad sightings" Dad, who spend all winter and most of the weekdays drinking beer and eating poorly...who then feel that it is their god given right to unleash that huge white belly on the world. I like at the end of the day, how that huge white belly turns a cute shade of pink. Also, dad? if your breasts are bigger than your 15 year olds? How about keeping them covered? Thanks. Another tip for the dads? Why do you think black socks are sexy? Have you not heard all the jokes about them? If they are the ONLY thing in your drawer? You can spend the afternoon at Target fixing that situation...we'll see you next week, I promise we'll be there!
There were quite a few funny things going on at the pool...the woman in the black bathing suit who was wearing the gold chain and gold hoop earrings...the dad in the print shorts who hiked them up to cover the belly...he fooled NO ONE...
Anyway...if you are in the area and want to hang out with me every Saturday and Sunday...promise that you will make fun of people with me and that nothing is off limits...I will be glad to take you with me!!
Todays episode of "things my kid will say" comes to us live poolside...where I am desperately trying to find someone to hang out with. I don't know too many of the women there...as it is not in our school district...yes. I am playing out of my league, but not too far...I can pull it off...anyway..."the General" has a small speech problem...his "R's" often sound more like "W's" so today...he says..."Mom, a kid on the playground called someone a 'wetawd'" Oh. The word 'wetawd' made me giggle until pee threatened to come out...the thing with the speech issue is that he doesn't realize he does it, so when I repeated it just like he said it, he corrected me. God I love that kid. I did tell him that the word retard wasn't nice...but when he asked what it meant, I was at a loss for words. I simply said it meant "different." To which he said..."well the kid was acting different..." Well, then clearly the boy who called him a retard was right on the mark.
Back to the pool issue. The pool is a pool. The women go all ages...but there seemed to be a run on the "swim skirt" and it's ugly cousin "swim dress." If you are one of the swim evening gown wearers, I am not talking about you...of course not...it is just THESE women! Anyway...all I am looking for at this place is a woman I can be friends with and sit and make snarky comments to about all of the other women at the pool. I had so many funny things to say...I thought my head would explode. Like how it is NEVER flattering to lay on your side at the pool, EVER. How no matter how cute it looks on an 8 year old, a ruffled skirt does not flatter a grown woman. Shame, really, on the company that made such a thing. The weekends are great for "dad sightings" Dad, who spend all winter and most of the weekdays drinking beer and eating poorly...who then feel that it is their god given right to unleash that huge white belly on the world. I like at the end of the day, how that huge white belly turns a cute shade of pink. Also, dad? if your breasts are bigger than your 15 year olds? How about keeping them covered? Thanks. Another tip for the dads? Why do you think black socks are sexy? Have you not heard all the jokes about them? If they are the ONLY thing in your drawer? You can spend the afternoon at Target fixing that situation...we'll see you next week, I promise we'll be there!
There were quite a few funny things going on at the pool...the woman in the black bathing suit who was wearing the gold chain and gold hoop earrings...the dad in the print shorts who hiked them up to cover the belly...he fooled NO ONE...
Anyway...if you are in the area and want to hang out with me every Saturday and Sunday...promise that you will make fun of people with me and that nothing is off limits...I will be glad to take you with me!!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
the govenor and the general
I need to get it out because if I don't...I will probably clean something else. And frankly, we are out of cleaner. I just cleaned the kitchen with Windex. That is a bad sign.
My husband has been away for 2 weeks on his annual training. This is where I should put my disclaimer in, stating that I respect the military and all the men and women, who serve. That isn't what this is about. This is about me and my selfish self. Him being gone isn't the bad part. Hell. Go. Don't call. Don't write. But don't fucking blame me if I go crazy while you are gone. I have had 2 weeks of relative calmness. For 10 of the last 14 days, my boys have been angels. But OMG. I think I could kill them both and bury their bodies in the basement. We have a family wedding that we are flying to on Thursday. They are going to get to see their cousins for 4 days. Yes. We are all excited. But I will refer you to the fact that my husband is not at home. Which, in case you didn't realize, means that I have to clean the house, wash the clothes, figure out which of the clothes we are taking, and then pack the clothes. Oh. Did I mention that my kids have been on strike (their teachers) for the last week? Yeah. So in their mind they are on Summer vacation. Not so much. So. I think that I have everything under control...but still. There have been some near misses.
First I had an issue with a Pap smear. Oh fuck you if you don't want to read about it. So, I had to go back so he could get a better look at my hoohoo. Thanks. Like it wasn't bad enough the first go around, he has to use some crazy looking thing that looked like a telescope to zoom in on my cervix. Then...I got the old..."this is going to pinch." I can assure you that a pinch on the arm and a pinch on the cervix hurt in 2 very different ways. Then there was talk of "nothing in the vagina for 7 days." I'm sorry, what? What do you mean, Nothing in the vagina for 7 days? I am about to start my period? Do you MEAN no tampons, or are you just referring to random things I might stick in there? Turns out. Tampons. So. At 36 years old, I am learning the ins and outs of the pad. LOVE the pad. Hell no I don't. I can't believe that they even still make them. Girls are having sex LONG before their period. Give them a tampon and let's go. So. Here I am, and of course I decided that I needed the winged kind. Why? To complicate things of course. Uhm. The wings? Get stuck EVERY FUCKING TIME. Each time goes the same...me trying my hardest to keep them from sticking. Sometimes usine 2 hands and my chin. NOTHING WORKS. And. Riddle me this. How come I get the old "nothing in the vagina for 7 days" when the only thing I WANT to stick in said vagina is a tampon? Why can't I get those orders when above mentioned husband is around? I don't get it. You can rest assured that when I retell this story to sgt. hard on, the doctor will have said 14 days.
Then. Today. I went to the CVS to refill the crazy pills. Yeah. I mentioned the family vacation thing, you didn't think I would go without those, did you? Well. The bitch, I mean pharmacist starts giving me a little trouble with my rx. Whoa. Bitch. Take another look at what you are about to refill for me. Do you really want to bring it with me? I didn't think so. One good thing about being crazy and getting your rx filled at the local drugstore, those bitches are always so nice. Always offering free stuff, going out of their way to make sure I am taken care of...then Sally intern in her little white jacket wants to start? Really? You want to live to graduate from Duquesne, bitch? Fill the Effexor. Meanwhile, I have the govenor(P) and the general (L) climbing all over the bloodpressure machine, and random customers. Part of me just wanted to pretend they weren't mine. I often wonder....what would happen? I know the big one could find his way home...so I guess that wouldn't work.
We get home...and I am faced with 2 more loads of laundry and cleaning the bathroom. The govenor and the general are going BANANAS at this point. No one wants to shower. No one wants to clean their room. Our houses are pretty close together and so it was difficult for me to hold my tongue. I like to get real close to them and explain in my nicest voice that just because mommy can't yell, doesn't mean they are not going to get spanked if they don't listen to me. There is a small amount of fear that still comes in to play. I don't know what I would do if they both looked at me and called bullshit. Frankly, the govenor is way too big to spank. I could use a tip I learned the hard way from my mother, and that is that the fucking spatula with the holes? HURTS LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER...and LEAVES MARKS.
Anyway....In with the good air....out with the bad.
Peace.
My husband has been away for 2 weeks on his annual training. This is where I should put my disclaimer in, stating that I respect the military and all the men and women, who serve. That isn't what this is about. This is about me and my selfish self. Him being gone isn't the bad part. Hell. Go. Don't call. Don't write. But don't fucking blame me if I go crazy while you are gone. I have had 2 weeks of relative calmness. For 10 of the last 14 days, my boys have been angels. But OMG. I think I could kill them both and bury their bodies in the basement. We have a family wedding that we are flying to on Thursday. They are going to get to see their cousins for 4 days. Yes. We are all excited. But I will refer you to the fact that my husband is not at home. Which, in case you didn't realize, means that I have to clean the house, wash the clothes, figure out which of the clothes we are taking, and then pack the clothes. Oh. Did I mention that my kids have been on strike (their teachers) for the last week? Yeah. So in their mind they are on Summer vacation. Not so much. So. I think that I have everything under control...but still. There have been some near misses.
First I had an issue with a Pap smear. Oh fuck you if you don't want to read about it. So, I had to go back so he could get a better look at my hoohoo. Thanks. Like it wasn't bad enough the first go around, he has to use some crazy looking thing that looked like a telescope to zoom in on my cervix. Then...I got the old..."this is going to pinch." I can assure you that a pinch on the arm and a pinch on the cervix hurt in 2 very different ways. Then there was talk of "nothing in the vagina for 7 days." I'm sorry, what? What do you mean, Nothing in the vagina for 7 days? I am about to start my period? Do you MEAN no tampons, or are you just referring to random things I might stick in there? Turns out. Tampons. So. At 36 years old, I am learning the ins and outs of the pad. LOVE the pad. Hell no I don't. I can't believe that they even still make them. Girls are having sex LONG before their period. Give them a tampon and let's go. So. Here I am, and of course I decided that I needed the winged kind. Why? To complicate things of course. Uhm. The wings? Get stuck EVERY FUCKING TIME. Each time goes the same...me trying my hardest to keep them from sticking. Sometimes usine 2 hands and my chin. NOTHING WORKS. And. Riddle me this. How come I get the old "nothing in the vagina for 7 days" when the only thing I WANT to stick in said vagina is a tampon? Why can't I get those orders when above mentioned husband is around? I don't get it. You can rest assured that when I retell this story to sgt. hard on, the doctor will have said 14 days.
Then. Today. I went to the CVS to refill the crazy pills. Yeah. I mentioned the family vacation thing, you didn't think I would go without those, did you? Well. The bitch, I mean pharmacist starts giving me a little trouble with my rx. Whoa. Bitch. Take another look at what you are about to refill for me. Do you really want to bring it with me? I didn't think so. One good thing about being crazy and getting your rx filled at the local drugstore, those bitches are always so nice. Always offering free stuff, going out of their way to make sure I am taken care of...then Sally intern in her little white jacket wants to start? Really? You want to live to graduate from Duquesne, bitch? Fill the Effexor. Meanwhile, I have the govenor(P) and the general (L) climbing all over the bloodpressure machine, and random customers. Part of me just wanted to pretend they weren't mine. I often wonder....what would happen? I know the big one could find his way home...so I guess that wouldn't work.
We get home...and I am faced with 2 more loads of laundry and cleaning the bathroom. The govenor and the general are going BANANAS at this point. No one wants to shower. No one wants to clean their room. Our houses are pretty close together and so it was difficult for me to hold my tongue. I like to get real close to them and explain in my nicest voice that just because mommy can't yell, doesn't mean they are not going to get spanked if they don't listen to me. There is a small amount of fear that still comes in to play. I don't know what I would do if they both looked at me and called bullshit. Frankly, the govenor is way too big to spank. I could use a tip I learned the hard way from my mother, and that is that the fucking spatula with the holes? HURTS LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER...and LEAVES MARKS.
Anyway....In with the good air....out with the bad.
Peace.
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