911...what is your emergency?

Uhm. Yeah. I am pretty sure that today ranks right up there with one of the funniest days of my life. I will admit that while it was happening, I didn't think it was all that funny...however, looking back, I can laugh and laugh.
It is New Years Eve...I have no plans, other than to spend the evening/night with my kids and the dog...which is fine...but the boys got a gift card from Toys R us...and wanted to spend them, so since we really had no other plans, the three of us made the trek to TRU. I am quite certain that if you look, you will find my picture, along with the delinquents, on the wall under the heading, Persona Non Grata. So. Before I forget...along with their gift cards, the boys are clutching plastic cups full of change that they shook from their piggy banks. Fine, what ever. Except that we are not even IN the store yet and Logan drops his and spills probably $15 worth of change all over the floor in the entrance way. Maybe I should have known then what was to come...anyway...I set the time limit to 1/2 hour and away we went. 35 minutes later we are no closer to knowing what we want than when we got there...so I suggest movies...and right away Logan finds a dozen that he wants! So...he is good...now Patch...I turn my attention to helping my son find a movie or 2 that he wanted to watch...ignoring Logan. BIG MISTAKE. I have never been afraid that someone would TAKE him. Hell no. But when I couldn't find him...I thought maybe I should look for him...have you ever had the sinking feeling in your gut when you know that shrieking noise that you hear is coming from your kid and it cannot be good? Yeah. So. I had that. And I start running toward the back of the store...and there he is...riding a kettle car type vehicle up and down the aisles...with a small band of followers running along behind him! He was far enough away from the department that the car belonged in for me to be embarrassed that he was without my attention for that long...I CANNOT believe that he is doing that. So. When I said "Logan, what are you doing?" he said..."Looking for you." I guess that makes sense to a 5 year old. So. After a few dirty looks from uptight parents and a TRU employee, we got things put back together...and go to collect Patrick...who is afraid to leave the movie dept with the movie that he wants because the alarm will ring and he doesn't want to get in trouble. (which kid is destined for an ivy league school and which one is most certainly going to be a plumber?) At the check out, I was reminded why they have so many coins in their bank...because I HATE to spend change. But it was lesson time. So. After counting out $10.26 for Patch and $14.65 for Logan...the only lesson that was learned was the one I learned and that is no matter how good of an idea taking your kids to TRU sounds, it NEVER is.
We return home and I have to run to the grocery store before they close, which it turns out, just because I don't have plans on NYE, other people in the world DO. And the grocery store closes at 6. So...I start dinner and head out. At the grocery store, it was crowded, but not too crowded...the only thing going on there was a push to save grocery bags, apparently, because I only got 2 bags for $40 worth of groceries...Yes. Congrats jackass, you can fit all of my groceries in 2 bags, HOWEVER, I can't carry those bags. So...I get home to an unusually quiet house. Hmm...what is going on I say? I am informed that while I was gone, Logan dialed 911 and the police showed up! Yes. Logan. The one who had earlier, ridden the kettle car thru the toy store, that one. Uhm...He dialed 911? Yeah...turns out he thought Craig was burning the mushrooms and felt like he should call 911. The police came and "looked around"...now this is 2nd hand information, because I wasn't here. Had I been here, I think the boys would be in protective custody right now. How embarrassing. (and comical at the very same time.) He seemed upset that the fire trucks didn't show up and that there were no "lights flashing" but we drove home the idea that you don't call 911 UNLESS it is an EMERGENCY. We'll see how long til the next emergency.
So. That has been my day....What an end to an already crazy year!!

Too Many Choices...

So, my therapist is on vacation this week, more than likely on my dime...but I was looking for a little outlet for my anxiety, if you will. So. I took the show that is my life, on the road. Yep. All the way to Target. Daring? Maybe. Stupid? Undoubtedly. Actually, it wasn't that bad.
I can rarely, if ever, leave Target having spent under $80. I have no idea why, I could be buying 2 packs of gum and some dental floss, and still the total would be $80. It just works out that way, and I accept it. What ever.
So today, I am sans kids/husband/distraction and it is just me. Strolling the aisles of Target in search of something that I had to have, but didn't need. I didn't know what I was looking for...except a book...I have been looking for A Thousand Dollars for a Kiss...and it seems to be sold out...so continuing my stroll...I come across something rather alarming. A 6 pack of KY Jelly. Yeah. You read that right. A 6 Pack. Of KY Jelly. I don't get it either. It isn't like KY Jelly is ACTUAL JELLY that you put on your toast. It is something that you use...for...well...you know. Sex...and stuff. So. I am kind of perplexed as to why the variety? I couldn't get too close to it, lest I be labeled as someone who would NEED KY Jelly...and you know, there is probably nothing wrong with that, but still. I don't know. Whatever. So, I wrapped up my therapy...er...Target time and hurried home to google KY Jelly...I HAD to know. Ok. So. It turns out that it is actually KY "Touch Massage." http://www.ky.com/gift-products/index.html In case you don't believe me, you can check it here. Anyway...it just got my shit thinking about all kinda crazy things...and how I would almost, ALMOST, like to work somewhere that people had to buy condoms and shit like that from me...I am pretty sure I would get fired for fucking with someone...but still...i know it would be worth it.
And, in case you were wondering...contents of Target bags: 4 assorted red throw pillows for livingroom (trying the red/sage look that is hot these days...) an address book (don't ask) a dog lead (it is getting too cold for this bitch to stand outside while Mickey takes his good old time taking a shit.) a book (meg Cabot A Size 14 Isn't Fat Either) a pair of knit type slipper things (that look so cute and stylish and will be ok to wear out to put the dog on the new lead) a lamp base (because the dog and cat broke the one that previously resided on my dresser...)and surprisingly, I spent $70.66. That was after the $5 gift card was applied. (side note, I got the gift card from a purchase that I made before Christmas, and was GOING to regift it to the bus driver, but didn't...good thing, because the girl said 'oh you must have purchased blah blah blah to get this.' Imagine if I had regifted it and she would have said that to the bus driver? My kids would be last to be saved in an accident, first to be pushed off, and not crossed carefully!) So for once in I can't tell you how long, I got out of Target spending LESS than $80. It was a good day...so I promptly stopped and got a Starbucks on the way home...love the bucks.
So...that was my Target shopping experience...I came home to find that my husband had invited our sons friend over...the kid that I CANNOT tolerate for more than about 5 seconds. So. Basically all of my hard work was undone in 5 seconds. Awesome. Good think I made the Starbucks stop...otherwise I probably would have killed atleast ONE if not BOTH my son and his friend...maybe the dog and certainly the CAT. I spare my husband, because he would still bail my crazy ass out of the slammer. Why just today, he said..."honey, your ass looks great in those jeans." As long as we have romance, what more can I ask for?

Ho Ho Holidays

Riddle me this. What the fuck is up with the Christmas decorations? People are going BANANAS these days with this...I take issue with the whole "plastic nativity set" lit in the front yard right next to the giant inflatable snowman...I am pretty certain that Frosty was not at the birth of Jesus. Nor was Santa, for that matter. I mean...really. It is one thing to celebrate the season and they symbols that represent said celebration, but somehow, displaying a plastic nativity set, complete with plastic wisemen and donkey, does not guarantee you a spot in Heaven. And. Speaking of the giant inflatable things that people are displaying out on the lawn...ARE YOU PEOPLE BLIND? I mean really. A giant inflatable santa? Or how about the inflatable Grinch? Or my personal favorite, Homer Simpson in a santa suit...AWESOME. Nothing says "Merry Christmas" quite like Homer Simpson. And. This year, the people at Giant Inflatable Holiday Decorations R Us, have out done themselves! Have you seen the inflatable "snow globes?" Real classy. What will come next? I am actually afraid for next season.
Also. Might I make mention of those among us who feel the need to decorate their cars. WHAT THE FUCK? Really? Your car? That sounds like a good idea?? NO! It isn't. Why do you need a wreath strapped to the front of your buick? You don't. Or how about the minivan I saw in the parking lot at Mc Donalds with the pine garland around the roof rack? That is AWESOME. How does the conversation like that start? "Hey honey. Have you seen the wreath and the garland for my car?" And why isn't a conversation like that ended with "You stupid mother fucker, why do you need to decorate your car?" Maybe that is a little harsh...but come on. Do you know how Christmas goes at our house? I mention to my husband that we might want to get a tree...and then...once we get it...the kids mention that maybe we need to decorate the tree...Things get done, but they certainly get done in stages...and there is no mention of car decorations.
And...while we are on the subject...Who thought up the whole Christmas sweater?
I guess you better go...I am keeping you from your Christmas sweater wearing, giant inflatable Santa loving, car decorating, plastic jesus.

Holiday Spirit...and fist fights...

ok. today might not be a testimony to my mental stability. I had to go to Best Buy on my lunch hour to pick up the IPod for the kid who didn't want the dog. I get there...and mind you, it had not been the best morning to begin with...actually, it all started last night...(cue the scooby doo dream scene...) You see...we got the pooch on Saturday and everything was great and fine. It was even mildly amusing that he didn't "do"steps. "hee hee...the dog is just as lazy as you are..." "ha ha...you are carrying our 50lb dog up the steps." and so it went...but last night, said dog would NOT go down the steps to go into his crate for beddy by. So. After my husband suggested I carry the crate upstairs...(it is such a good thing that he is not a mind reader...) (he works midnights...)I opted to sleep on the couch...with the dog. So. I get him up this morning, walk him...he diddles and doodles...and I get a shower...well. we are late, OF COURSE...and I take the pooch out for a walk and then attempt to put him in the crate. Why I thought that he would somehow go down the steps, is beyond me. Brakes are on...dog is going NO WHERE. So. Weighing my options...dog shitting on the carpet or hearing my father in law say "I told you so"...I went for dog shit on the carpet...and left him in the livingroom...knowing that my husband would be home at some point...well...we get to the road we usually take to get to the in laws...and it is blocked by 2 big dump trucks. What the fuck? Could someone have mentioned this to me? So. We are already late. Now we are just getting later. I take the other way to the inlaws...which sets us back a few minutes...and in the morning, minutes are precious. We get there...of course, the little one doesn't have a belt on...natch...why would things go well? At this point, he could go to school in his underwear...I was LATE. After a performance that would make Denny Hamlin (yes...lame fedex reference...) proud...I made it to work at 8:01. Yes. The Saturn does do 85 mph. I would have thought the doors would fly off, but they didn't.
Oh. so back to the fist fight...clearly, my nerves are shot...I mean, the way the morning started...so. I go to Best Buy...and am in the parking lot and this JACK ASS is sitting in the middle of the road, with his turn signal on...so..fine, I am NOT going to take your space, but at the same time, I can't go around you because you are parked in the middle of the driving part. So, I get around them. Park and walk to the store, while they are still waiting to park. I don't understand that. You would rather SIT in the car than park 2 spots further away and get in and get out? Naturally, I have to make arm motions at them...one of them might have been a finger gesture...MIGHT HAVE BEEN. And there was some lip reading to be done. Anyway...when I walked by them...I stopped, looked at them, and gave them the "thumbs up" sign...as if to say...hey jackass...glad you are still waiting...I will be done and back to work before you get in the spot...so. I get into the store and they come in...and I hear the wife say "She is still on the cell phone..." OH. NO YOU DIDN'T. I was on the cell phone on hold waiting for effin toys r us to pick up so I could ask them if they had the baby alive doll...so that my friends daughter, whos parents are about to get divorced could have some happiness in her life, and you are going to give me shit about it? So, I close the phone and say "Way to FUCK up the parking lot, asshole." In appropriate? Maybe. But it did feel good. You big fat turtleneck (not sweater, just turtleneck) wearer...Way to accentuate the positive. So...That was my trip to the retail hell on my lunch. Oh. Then I went to Burger King. WRONG. BIG MISTAKE. Why do they not post a big sign outside of Burger King that says..."yes. Our food smells delicious, but our employees are RETARDED." But I digress.

Mc Starbucks Surfaces...

OMFG! So...in the background of this blog, the song "It's a small world" is playing...
Saturday night, I go out with my girl. Lola and I head to the regular dive bar with the karaoke guy who wants to bang us both...(this was confirmed last night...more on that in a second.) Anyway...I am sitting there...and WHO WALKS IN? Well. Duh. The title of the blog is Mc Starbucks...so NATURALLY, I speak of Mc Starbucks. YES! He was there...as was his wife. Yes. A little bit of a let down...(sarcasm there...) After staring at him for a good, oh I don't know, 4 hours...I have determined a few things. 1. He is, by definition, BURLY. Yes. If I spelled that wrong you can bite me. But he is a bigger guy. Not fat, but burly. I was into it. 2. His wife, while not even a little bit pretty, has very fancy feet. They were there with a group from a wedding(assuming that the one lady doesn't wear bridesmaid dresses out on a regular basis...but we all know about assuming...) The wife was all dressed up...and her feet were so fancy. She had about 3 toe rings on each foot and an anklet to boot. Perhaps Mc Starbucks has a foot fetish. That would explain a few things, I suppose.
I am kinda over him now. Seeing him in a different surrounding, with a strange group of people, I wasn't digging it.
But. The karaoke dj confirmed my suspicions that he was interested in more than hearing my version of LIKE A VIRGIN...(wait for the album...)He walked me out and promptly said "I was going to ask you to come back to my place tonight..." Clearly, not to sing. You will all be relieved to know that I DID NOT go back. There is something NOT SO SEXY about the whole thing. Oh. And the marriage thing too. Yeah. I forgot about that!
And.I plan, at some point to blog about my whole trip to the Big Apple and the fact that I sat on the mother fucking runway at La Guardia for oh about 4 hours...next to my girl Julie...who crossed back and forth from annoying to irritating. We did get water. And by the time we took off, the bathrooms smelled like the urinals at Starlake! Yummy!