I don't know if I will publish this...but I have to get it out.
Today was quite possibly the hardest day of my life....ok. I exaggerate. Whatever. I was in the house with my husband, 2 boys, and the dog. Last night, C went out with his sister...and then promptly slept until 1030...which he also did yesterday? as well. Fine. Whatever. But...all day, no all weekend, I did laundry, cooked, and cleaned. While he did nothing. Nothing. Just sat here or there and watched tv. Not even sports, but ridic family channel shows or fucking fox news. And the laughter? OMG. He laughed and laughed like it was the funniest thing he had ever heard. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Then, there was the time I was sitting on the couch, you know, in between loads of laundry...and he came and sat right down next to me. "Watch this movie with me, you'll love it." Uhm...no. Support your local sheriff has been on a million times...and I have no desire to watch. Maybe I will die incomplete, but that is the chance I am willing to take. I just don't get it. I know that I have fallen out of love with him...the big question is, can I fall back in love with him? Because, make no mistake, right now? I am not even trying. Absolutely everything is annoying me right now. Everything. From the fact that he hasn't taken notice that I have done every domestic chore there is...and cooked 2 very good meals...I think I might have gotten a "this is really good" yesterday...but nothing today. He just doesn't seem to be a man who is working on getting things back on track. What do I want him to do? I don't know...but clearly what he is doing isn't working.
I have therapy on Thursday. We haven't had it together in 2 weeks. I almost don't care. I know I have to get through the holidays and then what?
I can't see the future through all of this shit...I cannot see us living together, growing old...but I have not been able to picture us living apart either. I don't know...I so wish that I did...I wish that I could snap my finger and love him again. I wish that this wasn't my fault. I wish that it would be easy on my kids and on him. I don't want to hurt him...is it worse to pretend things are ok and carry on...with the potential of doing something that I won't be able to take back? Or to just end it? I have no idea.
I hate these feelings. I try so hard to make them go away...but sometimes I feel like he is working in the opposite direction...doing things to make them surface.
I want to eat. I want to eat a lot...I noticed it today...when I reached for some pretzels...I wasn't the least bit hungry. But eating is a comfort. I haven't come far enough along to move past the eating as a comfort thing...so I have to watch it...keep it in check. I don't want to gain that weight back. I just don't. So...more worry.
Ok...so I will post this...but probably delete it...