A funny thing happened on the way to crazy...

I like to cook! OMG! I know...who would believe it? Certainly not me! But I do! I really seem to like to cook. I discussed it with my shrink yesterday...and despite her concern that I am "over functioning" (is that even something that a mom who works full time and then takes care of every fucking thing in our house...can do?) I really like to cook. Yes. I have only cooked 3 meals in the last week...but they were 3 really good meals. I am looking forward to the weekend, where I will be attempting spaghetti sauce. I have been hitting allrecipes.com pretty hard, that is where I got the recipe for the stuffed pepper soup and the beef stew, and they were both so good! We'll go with it, til it gives me reason not to.

I had a great little meeting with the shrink. We'll discuss the over functioning another time.

I did get a disturbing call from one of Big's friend's mother. We'll call the friend Sweetpea, because I love her! She is 11 and so sweet and nice and pleasant...and a girl...and I don't have one, so I sometimes think about stealing her...but that is for another time, too. Apparently, there is a girl who is bullying her. Bullying is so wrong on so many levels...but when it is someone that I know...and love...it makes me sad. Her mom is probably going about this all wrong. I don't know what I would do, so I can't say, but it makes me sad that she is being bullied. We are going out to dinner tonight...for report cards and awards and good behavior...so I asked if she could go along. I know that won't make a difference in the bullying, but maybe it will make her smile for a while!

And...once again, I was sidetracked. I started to say how I like to cook...and was going to proceed on to declaring that I would be cleaning the attic and trying to set up the sewing machine. I know. I know. I should have warned you...but I guess I am looking for activities to keep me busy...and these are not harmful....I guess it beats the self destructive bar behavior that I could be indulging in. We'll see...maybe not!

I wish I may...I wish I might...

Have something interesting to say today!
But I don't!
I had an odd ride into work...2 tractor trailer trucks pulled out in front of me...to be fair, only 1 pulled out in front of me...the one behind it just kept coming through the stop sign. Incidentally, I didn't HAVE a stop sign...but whatever. I couldn't flip them off, because I was balancing my makeup precariously with one hand.

Last night, I watched CSI: NY. Can you say disappointed? Mac Taylor...you let me down. I have been on the edge of my seat with this whole 333 thing. The blood on the tee shirt...the phone calls...and then that is how it ended? I love you, so I can forgive you...but maybe we can discuss a better plot?

Tonight is going to be a busy one...the boys have play practice at church, I have therapy, Big has basketball practice. so 5-6, 6-7, and 8-9. Busy bees at casa de crazy!

The Apple...

Doesn't fall far from the tree!

Look at him with his Starbucks! So grown up. Yeah, it was Hot Cocoa...but still!

Good things on the horizon...

Recent conversation with Big:

Big: "Mom! Hulk Hogan is getting divorced!"

Me: "Really? Hmm...does that mean he is on the market?"

Big: "Yeah! You mean, he could be my DAD?"

Me: "Sure...I mean...a few things have to happen, but I don't see why not...go tell your dad."

Big...running upstairs...: "Daddy...Mom said that Hulk Hogan is going to be my new dad."

Dad: "I wish him all the luck in the world."

Me: "I HEARD THAT!"

Big: "Let's discuss what my new room will look like. Do you think we will move to Florida, or will he come here? AND Oh MY GOSH! Will he introduce me to Andre the Giant?"

Me: "Baby...we can have him over for Christmas, if you would like..."

Big: "Uhm...no...he is dead, I think."

So much for that...but I do see this as helpful information in the future...maybe if and when things do end here...as long as I can provide an acceptable substitute, one who has cool friends and big houses, the kids won't be so sad?
A girl can dream!

A nubbinectomy

Never a dull moment here at casa de crazy. Let me bring you up to speed. Big has had a bump on his lip for about a month now. He bites it and it bleeds and it has doubled in size over the last few days. At this rate, I am going to have to start packing it a lunch...so, at the urging of every relative with a pulse, I made an appt to take him to the pediatrician. Don't get me started on the fact that I had to take him. Because honestly, YOU DON'T WANT TO GO THERE. So. I pick Big AND Little up at my in laws...and off we go. I figure the doctor will stick something in it and drain all the shit out. Yeah. Not so much. The doctor is perplexed. Never a good thing. She says, I'll be right back...and leaves. Leaves me alone with the wiggle brothers. Seriously. She does come back...and says, "I ran across the hall to the ENT and he would like to take a look..." Ok. We are off to another $25 co pay, I mean doctor. The ENT was nice enough to squeeze us in. He is also nice enough to employ 2 of the most crotchety old ladies in the world. Thanks for that. While he was willing to see us on short notice, the women were hell bent on making sure I was aware of how NICE they were being by seeing me on such short notice. Thanks...but to be honest? I didn't want to be there. I didn't think it was anything more than a bump. One that I would be more than happy to lop off in the living room with a butcher knife and some waxed paper. (Remind me to tell you about the time I used dental floss to remove a skin tag from my neck. Not my proudest moment.) Anyway...the crotchety sisters were in the middle of a contest to see who could be meaner. Frankly, the nurse won. Finally, we see the good doctor. Who informs me, that in his 25 years of practice, he has never seen anything like this. I totally felt like I was in the middle of the Friends episode where the doctors gather around Ross' butt to look at his nubbin. Anywhooo...he pokes and squeezes and pulls...and looks in Big's ears, nose, and wait for it...THROAT...which I didn't follow, but whatever...he is the ENT, I think it is a habit.
Long about 2 1/2 hours later, we were scheduled for surgery! Yes. Surgery. On something that we don't actually know what is. It is just an odd bump that Big managed to make bigger by biting and splitting open while playing football and wrestling...Yeah. So. Next Wed? I get to sit in for a nubbinectomy. Maybe they'll let us keep it?! You know, take it home in a jar! Like tonsils?

ramble

I don't know if I will publish this...but I have to get it out.
Today was quite possibly the hardest day of my life....ok. I exaggerate. Whatever. I was in the house with my husband, 2 boys, and the dog. Last night, C went out with his sister...and then promptly slept until 1030...which he also did yesterday? as well. Fine. Whatever. But...all day, no all weekend, I did laundry, cooked, and cleaned. While he did nothing. Nothing. Just sat here or there and watched tv. Not even sports, but ridic family channel shows or fucking fox news. And the laughter? OMG. He laughed and laughed like it was the funniest thing he had ever heard. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Then, there was the time I was sitting on the couch, you know, in between loads of laundry...and he came and sat right down next to me. "Watch this movie with me, you'll love it." Uhm...no. Support your local sheriff has been on a million times...and I have no desire to watch. Maybe I will die incomplete, but that is the chance I am willing to take. I just don't get it. I know that I have fallen out of love with him...the big question is, can I fall back in love with him? Because, make no mistake, right now? I am not even trying. Absolutely everything is annoying me right now. Everything. From the fact that he hasn't taken notice that I have done every domestic chore there is...and cooked 2 very good meals...I think I might have gotten a "this is really good" yesterday...but nothing today. He just doesn't seem to be a man who is working on getting things back on track. What do I want him to do? I don't know...but clearly what he is doing isn't working.
I have therapy on Thursday. We haven't had it together in 2 weeks. I almost don't care. I know I have to get through the holidays and then what?
I can't see the future through all of this shit...I cannot see us living together, growing old...but I have not been able to picture us living apart either. I don't know...I so wish that I did...I wish that I could snap my finger and love him again. I wish that this wasn't my fault. I wish that it would be easy on my kids and on him. I don't want to hurt him...is it worse to pretend things are ok and carry on...with the potential of doing something that I won't be able to take back? Or to just end it? I have no idea.
I hate these feelings. I try so hard to make them go away...but sometimes I feel like he is working in the opposite direction...doing things to make them surface.
I want to eat. I want to eat a lot...I noticed it today...when I reached for some pretzels...I wasn't the least bit hungry. But eating is a comfort. I haven't come far enough along to move past the eating as a comfort thing...so I have to watch it...keep it in check. I don't want to gain that weight back. I just don't. So...more worry.
Ok...so I will post this...but probably delete it...

Sunday...

Just when I thought the laundry was finished...I get to start it all over again!
Yay! I was afraid that I would be bored today...but I will wash sheets and bedding...and maybe MAYBE tackle the attic.
C and the stinky sister in law went out last night...they got home around 230. I hope that he got to talk to her about whatever he wanted to talk about. I hope that he feels better about some things...I don't know. I can't imagine her giving any solid advice, though...seeing that in the 15 years I have been in this family, I have NEVER met one of her boyfriends. I don't even know that she has had that many...but never met one. That is 15 years worth of Christmas' and New Years' and Thanksgivings and Easters...nothing. Nada. So...I hope that he takes her advice with a grain of salt.
He is still sleeping. I am allowing it, because I know when I go out and get all liquored up, I appreciate being able to sleep it off. It doesn't usually happen...but you know...a girl can dream!
I have become addicted to Webkinz. Both boys have one...Little likes to spend his kinz cash as soon as he gets it...so I like to earn him some...at least that is what I say, as I log in to the cash cow! I have a personal top score that earned me 78 kinz cash. Not bad?! I am sure that he spent it already, though!
I am going to shop online for some Christmas presents...maybe pay a bill or two...
Enjoy the day!

a big bowl of nothing.

That is what I have for today!
I spent the day pulling a June Cleaver. Cleaned. Washed clothes. Cooked. Fuck me, I'm domestic!

I made the most delicious Stuffed Pepper Soup...No shit! I really did! But, when I doubled the recipe...it seemed to actually triple the damn thing...so I took it to my in laws to feed them and my sister in law...(who blew into town on Wed, smelling like a french whore.) Good thing I managed to spill some of the soup in my car....because now my car smells like Stuffed Pepper Soup.

If I can speak to the sister in law and her perfume for just a second...this is the sister in law that I like, so I have to be careful here...but Jesus Christ! She has probably gone through an entire bottle of whatever this shit is...she was here for a little bit tonight...and I am tempted to feed the dog beans, just to get her smell out. Dog ass is better than whatever she is wearing...but I like her, so I will let it slide.

I can't wait for my shrink appt. this week. Dinner with the in laws was very insightful. Insightful in a way that makes you want to shoot yourself!

XO

morning has broken...

I am the only one up right now...it is 9:30am...the house is quiet...the kids are sleeping all cuddled up in one bed...they begged me to let them sleep together last night...it is sweet and probably isn't going to happen much more...so I let them. They are intertwined and yummy and I could stand and stare at them for hours.
I am leaving soon, to go back to my parents...this is "girls day" and we all go out for lunch somewhere fun...My Gram is 87 years old...and I love to spend time with her...My Aunt...and My mom...I guess I shouldn't waste any more time...I need a shower...and some coffee!

A thanksgiving Tribute...

It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without this....


Alice's RestaurantBy Arlo Guthrie
This song is called Alice's Restaurant, and it's about Alice, and the
restaurant, but Alice's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant,
that's just the name of the song, and that's why I called the song Alice's
Restaurant.
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago, was on - two years ago on
Thanksgiving, when my friend and I went up to visit Alice at the
restaurant, but Alice doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives in the
church nearby the restaurant, in the bell-tower, with her husband Ray and
Fasha the dog. And livin' in the bell tower like that, they got a lot of
room downstairs where the pews used to be in. Havin' all that room,
seein' as how they took out all the pews, they decided that they didn't
have to take out their garbage for a long time.
We got up there, we found all the garbage in there, and we decided it'd be
a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the city dump. So
we took the half a ton of garbage, put it in the back of a red VW
microbus, took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed
on toward the city dump.
Well we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across across the
dump saying, "Closed on Thanksgiving." And we had never heard of a dump
closed on Thanksgiving before, and with tears in our eyes we drove off
into the sunset looking for another place to put the garbage.
We didn't find one. Until we came to a side road, and off the side of the
side road there was another fifteen foot cliff and at the bottom of the
cliff there was another pile of garbage. And we decided that one big pile
is better than two little piles, and rather than bring that one up we
decided to throw our's down.
That's what we did, and drove back to the church, had a thanksgiving
dinner that couldn't be beat, went to sleep and didn't get up until the
next morning, when we got a phone call from officer Obie. He said, "Kid,
we found your name on an envelope at the bottom of a half a ton of
garbage, and just wanted to know if you had any information about it." And
I said, "Yes, sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie, I put that envelope
under that garbage."
After speaking to Obie for about fourty-five minutes on the telephone we
finally arrived at the truth of the matter and said that we had to go down
and pick up the garbage, and also had to go down and speak to him at the
police officer's station. So we got in the red VW microbus with the
shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the
police officer's station.
Now friends, there was only one or two things that Obie coulda done at
the police station, and the first was he could have given us a medal for
being so brave and honest on the telephone, which wasn't very likely, and
we didn't expect it, and the other thing was he could have bawled us out
and told us never to be see driving garbage around the vicinity again,
which is what we expected, but when we got to the police officer's station
there was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was
both immediately arrested. Handcuffed. And I said "Obie, I don't think I
can pick up the garbage with these handcuffs on." He said, "Shut up, kid.
Get in the back of the patrol car."
And that's what we did, sat in the back of the patrol car and drove to the
quote Scene of the Crime unquote. I want tell you about the town of
Stockbridge, Massachusets, where this happened here, they got three stop
signs, two police officers, and one police car, but when we got to the
Scene of the Crime there was five police officers and three police cars,
being the biggest crime of the last fifty years, and everybody wanted to
get in the newspaper story about it. And they was using up all kinds of
cop equipment that they had hanging around the police officer's station.
They was taking plaster tire tracks, foot prints, dog smelling prints, and
they took twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles
and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each
one was to be used as evidence against us. Took pictures of the approach,
the getaway, the northwest corner the southwest corner and that's not to
mention the aerial photography.
After the ordeal, we went back to the jail. Obie said he was going to put
us in the cell. Said, "Kid, I'm going to put you in the cell, I want your
wallet and your belt." And I said, "Obie, I can understand you wanting my
wallet so I don't have any money to spend in the cell, but what do you
want my belt for?" And he said, "Kid, we don't want any hangings." I
said, "Obie, did you think I was going to hang myself for littering?"
Obie said he was making sure, and friends Obie was, cause he took out the
toilet seat so I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown, and he took
out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars roll out the - roll the
toilet paper out the window, slide down the roll and have an escape. Obie
was making sure, and it was about four or five hours later that Alice
(remember Alice? It's a song about Alice), Alice came by and with a few
nasty words to Obie on the side, bailed us out of jail, and we went back
to the church, had a another thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat,
and didn't get up until the next morning, when we all had to go to court.
We walked in, sat down, Obie came in with the twenty seven eight-by-ten
colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back
of each one, sat down. Man came in said, "All rise." We all stood up,
and Obie stood up with the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy
pictures, and the judge walked in sat down with a seeing eye dog, and he
sat down, we sat down. Obie looked at the seeing eye dog, and then at the
twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows
and a paragraph on the back of each one, and looked at the seeing eye dog.
And then at twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles
and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one and began to cry,
'cause Obie came to the realization that it was a typical case of American
blind justice, and there wasn't nothing he could do about it, and the
judge wasn't going to look at the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy
pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each
one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us. And
we was fined $50 and had to pick up the garbage in the snow, but thats not
what I came to tell you about.
Came to talk about the draft.
They got a building down New York City, it's called Whitehall Street,
where you walk in, you get injected, inspected, detected, infected,
neglected and selected. I went down to get my physical examination one
day, and I walked in, I sat down, got good and drunk the night before, so
I looked and felt my best when I went in that morning. `Cause I wanted to
look like the all-American kid from New York City, man I wanted, I wanted
to feel like the all-, I wanted to be the all American kid from New York,
and I walked in, sat down, I was hung down, brung down, hung up, and all
kinds o' mean nasty ugly things. And I waked in and sat down and they gave
me a piece of paper, said, "Kid, see the phsychiatrist, room 604."
And I went up there, I said, "Shrink, I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I
wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and
guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill,
KILL, KILL." And I started jumpin up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL," and
he started jumpin up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down
yelling, "KILL, KILL." And the sargent came over, pinned a medal on me,
sent me down the hall, said, "You're our boy."
Didn't feel too good about it.
Proceeded on down the hall gettin more injections, inspections,
detections, neglections and all kinds of stuff that they was doin' to me
at the thing there, and I was there for two hours, three hours, four
hours, I was there for a long time going through all kinds of mean nasty
ugly things and I was just having a tough time there, and they was
inspecting, injecting every single part of me, and they was leaving no
part untouched. Proceeded through, and when I finally came to the see the
last man, I walked in, walked in sat down after a whole big thing there,
and I walked up and said, "What do you want?" He said, "Kid, we only got
one question. Have you ever been arrested?"
And I proceeded to tell him the story of the Alice's Restaurant Massacre,
with full orchestration and five part harmony and stuff like that and all
the phenome... - and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, did you ever
go to court?"
And I proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty seven eight-by-ten
colour glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and the paragraph on
the back of each one, and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, I want
you to go and sit down on that bench that says Group W .... NOW kid!!"
And I, I walked over to the, to the bench there, and there is, Group W's
where they put you if you may not be moral enough to join the army after
committing your special crime, and there was all kinds of mean nasty ugly
looking people on the bench there. Mother rapers. Father stabbers. Father
rapers! Father rapers sitting right there on the bench next to me! And
they was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible crime-type guys sitting on the
bench next to me. And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest
father raper of them all, was coming over to me and he was mean 'n' ugly
'n' nasty 'n' horrible and all kind of things and he sat down next to me
and said, "Kid, whad'ya get?" I said, "I didn't get nothing, I had to pay
$50 and pick up the garbage." He said, "What were you arrested for, kid?"
And I said, "Littering." And they all moved away from me on the bench
there, and the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean nasty things, till I
said, "And creating a nuisance." And they all came back, shook my hand,
and we had a great time on the bench, talkin about crime, mother stabbing,
father raping, all kinds of groovy things that we was talking about on the
bench. And everything was fine, we was smoking cigarettes and all kinds of
things, until the Sargeant came over, had some paper in his hand, held it
up and said.
"Kids, this-piece-of-paper's-got-47-words-37-sentences-58-words-we-wanna-
know-details-of-the-crime-time-of-the-crime-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-
you-gotta-say-pertaining-to-and-about-the-crime-I-want-to-know-arresting-
officer's-name-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-you-gotta-say", and talked for
forty-five minutes and nobody understood a word that he said, but we had
fun filling out the forms and playing with the pencils on the bench there,
and I filled out the massacre with the four part harmony, and wrote it
down there, just like it was, and everything was fine and I put down the
pencil, and I turned over the piece of paper, and there, there on the
other side, in the middle of the other side, away from everything else on
the other side, in parentheses, capital letters, quotated, read the
following words:
("KID, HAVE YOU REHABILITATED YOURSELF?")
I went over to the sargent, said, "Sargeant, you got a lot a damn gall to
ask me if I've rehabilitated myself, I mean, I mean, I mean that just, I'm
sittin' here on the bench, I mean I'm sittin here on the Group W bench
'cause you want to know if I'm moral enough join the army, burn women,
kids, houses and villages after bein' a litterbug." He looked at me and
said, "Kid, we don't like your kind, and we're gonna send you fingerprints
off to Washington."
And friends, somewhere in Washington enshrined in some little folder, is a
study in black and white of my fingerprints. And the only reason I'm
singing you this song now is cause you may know somebody in a similar
situation, or you may be in a similar situation, and if your in a
situation like that there's only one thing you can do and that's walk into
the shrink wherever you are ,just walk in say "Shrink, You can get
anything you want, at Alice's restaurant.". And walk out. You know, if
one person, just one person does it they may think he's really sick and
they won't take him. And if two people, two people do it, in harmony,
they may think they're both faggots and they won't take either of them.
And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking in
singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out. They may think it's an
organization. And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day,I said
fifty people a day walking in singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and
walking out. And friends they may thinks it's a movement.
And that's what it is , the Alice's Restaurant Anti-Massacre Movement, and
all you got to do to join is sing it the next time it come's around on the
guitar.
With feeling. So we'll wait for it to come around on the guitar, here and
sing it when it does. Here it comes.
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
That was horrible. If you want to end war and stuff you got to sing loud.
I've been singing this song now for twenty five minutes. I could sing it
for another twenty five minutes. I'm not proud... or tired.
So we'll wait till it comes around again, and this time with four part
harmony and feeling.
We're just waitin' for it to come around is what we're doing.
All right now.
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Excepting Alice
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Da da da da da da da dum
At Alice's Restaurant
©1966,1967 (Renewed) by Appleseed Music Inc. All Rights Reserved

yawn

Happy Thanksgiving eve...
there is nothing going on here worth talking about. C is laying on the couch, watching tv AND reading a book. I had dinner with crazy sister in law...baked cookies AND a cake...and now just want to go to sleep.

I did see a friend from maybe the 6th grade while at my parents house. We graduated from high school together, but she became cooler than me in 7th grade. Turns out, we are equally cool these days...it was fun to run into her and catch up...even if it was only for a minute, outside the grocery store. I got her email address...and vow before you and you and you that I will keep in touch with her. We both laughed at how very few people we still talk to from high school. Her daughter is beautiful. A dark haired version of her. It would be nice to be in touch...you can't ever have too many friends.

I am going to bed and when I wake up...it will be Thanksgiving. I may need you to remind me that this is my favorite holiday. It isn't a day to squander on unhappiness and worry...but rather to relax in the comfort that is your family. My favorite Aunt in the whole world is in town. I cherish every second I spend with her. She knows what is happening with C and I and hugged me tight today.
Peace and gobble.

I'm looking at you...crazy sister in law...

Yeah. So. It is the week of Thanksgiving. I am excited. Really. I am. I AM. I swear.
My family all get together at my parents house. She plays the lovely roll of martyr. My dad likes to stress out about it...I mean, he DOES have to carve the turkey. SHEESH. We wouldn't eat if it weren't for him, right? My brother and his white trash wife like to get into an argument right in the middle of dinner. This always causes MY blood pressure to shoot up...the over under on my nerves being shot is lunch time...
Yeah. So. I am excited.
And. I am going somewhere with this!
Yes I am! I am going to make fun of my sister in law. Again. MUHAAHAHHA.
She...HATES...almost any food. Yep. Pizza? She doesn't like it. (I know...that is a crime.) pasta? Only without the sauce. and only if there is butter and cheese. This is the sister in law that only orders steak when we go out for any meal. Oh. Wait. Only if someone else is paying! That is classy. Steak? at Applebees? Yum. Ok. back to her. So...imagine my surprise when, after I sent my mom a text, telling her that I could make chili for dinner on Friday night...that I got a text from my sister in law (who I would love to kill every time she texts me.) and seriously? The text said "No chili, unless you want to take your brother home with you." Now. I am quite comfortable with farts. Fart fart fart. But...coming from her? It annoyed the absolute SHIT out of me. Really? No chili? Oh...does that baby not like it? I don't let my kids pick the restaurant that we eat at, because the fuckers get the same thing EVERY TIME...same with her. If your taste in food is so weak, YOU DON'T GET TO PICK WHERE WE EAT. Or WHAT WE EAT. Don't ruin it for the rest of us...
And...there is more...but I will hold my tongue.

current goings ons...

It is just the 3 of us tonight...C is working a 12 hour shift for some reason I don't understand...Natch, we went out to eat. I can't cook. I can HEAT things...but didn't feel like it tonight. So, we went to the local pizza place. Pizzaria if you will. We wouldn't, but you can.
The boys, they were like little angels. Until Little asked me if they had tv when I was a kid. I looked at him blankly. I can actually remember a similar convo that I had with my mother...and one when I was older about black and white photos. I couldn't get my head around them. Was the world black and white? When did color come about? This led into other, very similar discussions...like if I took my dog to Mexico, would it have to bark in Spanish to be understood? Would they understand my English speaking dog? What about France? It was all troubling to me. I can also remember a very in depth convo that revolved around the international date line and if it would be possible to never age. Oh my head might explode just thinking about those days...It is a good thing I have given up trying to figure out these life mysteries....whoa! I got off track.
Ok...so kids were good...we had to go to the grocery store after dinner...which is where we witnessed the phenom known as the "deli slicer." Yes, it is real. However, the 3 people working the deli must not have ever seen one before...because it was taking all 3 of them to slice up an order...frankly, I couldn't see what the problem was...until I overheard the price...$8.99/lb.!!WTF was that? Apparently, it takes 3 people to slice gold plated meat. As I looked around, there were other DELI meats that ran in price up to $10/lb. Cry all you want about rising gas prices, but FUCK ME! $10/lb for a sandwich? That is what we should be protesting. It is LUNCH MEAT.
We did get the dog a bone...(this old man came rolling home...) and some random cookie mix. OK. Already made cookie mix that I just take out of the pack and slap on a cookie sheet...but still...that will be lots of fun!
Now we are home...just the 3 of us...I love it. It kinda makes me think what it might be like in the future...just the 3 of us...and the dog, gnawing on a bone the size of his pumpkin head. It isn't so bad.
I almost forgot. Little just finished coloring me a picture...of me! So cute. Purple hair? check. Orange nose? check. Blue legs? (one can only hope those are my pants.) check. and pink/red dots on my face. What are those? I ask...his reply? Those red things on your face. OF COURSE. He is talking about my zits. Thanks. The moment is ruined. Oh well...

poor pitiful me...

I.
DON'T.
FEEL.
WELL.

I did type "good" but realized...that was incorrect. SO. I don't feel well.
That is correct...and accurate.

Hold me. Stroke my hair. Tell me I'm pretty.

yuck...

I am sooo not feeling good. I took a nap and woke up like this...and I don't want to be sick!

I DID meet my friend for coffee this morning...with her adorable daughter!! OMG! If you could promise me that I would have a baby girl...just that sweet...I would say "knock me up, pronto!!" So...cute...so sweet...so baby girly!!

Unforch...I get the fart brothers. The "Who ever smelt it dealt it..." boys...yeah. Farts are the funniest thing in the world!!

Thanks...A...for meeting me for coffee...and sharing that sweet baby girl!!

Friday night fun...not so much...

I knew going into the night that it had the potential to go all wrong. I was optimistic. I should know better than that. The thing that gets me down about it is...I don't know that I can write about it...I don't know if I can get my arms around the real issues. If you think that a friend is doing something completely wrong...and you don't mention it...are you a bad friend...are you even a friend? But if you do mention it...and you are wrong...then are you a bad friend? I mean, who am I to judge anyone or anything? My life is so far from perfect, I can't even see where perfect might begin. At the same time, I watch her making choices that I don't know if she thinks are right...I am not sure that I wouldn't make the same choices if I were in her shoes...so...I am struggling.
I hate being an adult!!

It's FRIDAY!!

YIPPEE!!
My plans for the weekend are crazy...prepare yourself for the fun...
I am meeting Trizish and company out for some karaoke and some drinkin and some laughin. I am only partially looking forward to this...it has the potential to be fun...but it could go the complete opposite direction and bore the pants off of me. We'll see.

Tomorrow, I think I either want to take the boys to see the Bee movie...or buy the Rat movie and check that out with them. Either way, it will be fun. C has reserves and so it will be me and the little guys. I might ask if my new friend Kaliegh can come over. yeah. She is only 10. So what. I like her.

Sunday...I am meeting Ang for coffee at Starbucks. She sent me an outlook appointment, so I know it is official. Ang...I know you read this...so I will mention one thing that I just remembered about you...I remember how when we first became friends, you were in love with the excel spreadsheet. You had your outfits arranged...so as not to repeat them too often. You also had your friends in a sheet...scheduled out so you didn't lose touch. I feel like we have lost touch lately...and maybe we need to revisit that spreadsheet!
We share so many of the same loves...New York, shoes, kate spade, handbags in general and of course...kate's paperie...I hate that we don't spend enough time together...I promise to bring Kate to coffee...you'll love her!

And...that? Is my upcoming weekend. Can't wait!

It's HERE!!

And...it is a day early...
My Kate Spade bag! Has! ARRIVED!! I am so excited...It is in the mailroom right now...I should have it by lunch...wooowooo! It is like Christmas!!

His name is NOT Rico...

Overheard in the kitchen...

Little: "Hey, Rico, don't forget...you have to do this too..." (he is holding up another sheet of paper that looks suspiciously like something a 1st grader might have to do...not so much like that of which Big might bring home...)

Big: "Yeah...that is YOUR homework."

Little: "So. You said you would do it."

Big: "No I didn't...MOM! He's lying..."

Little: "Shut up, Rico."

Me: "Who in the hell is Rico?"

Little: points to Big..."him"

Ok...sorry I asked.

happy birthday...to me...

Yay me...or not...I bought this yesterday at the Kate Spade online sample sale...I love it...and I love that it comes in this pretty green box. Not quite the box from a certain Tiffany...but still...YAY! Can't wait til it gets here...

Oh I love a rainy night...

Fuck me...I don't really.
I do, however, LOVE my shrink. Wanna know why? Cause today, when she told me that she loved my shoes...Target. maryjanes. $19.99. And I returned the compliment? She said "I got these in Italy." OMG! I love her even more! Italy?! She rocks. Of course, as I am walking out the door, I think...yeah, Italy...of course...and I helped send her there. Me and my $25 co pay. Those shoes should be mine!!

Yeah.
Oh. Guess what? Mc Starbucks? He totally bought me coffee again today. I <3 class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">starbucks love! You know. Except for the fact that we both have spouses and children. and all that crap. His line today, to buy me coffee? I tried to tell him no...that he didn't have to buy me coffee...but he sshhshd me...and told me that was how we me...he bought me coffee...uhm...I hate to break this to you...but we actually met when I was stalking you outside your house...I mean, lurking in your car window...I mean driving past your house...what? No. I didn't do those things...For cryin out loud, I don't even know his last name. YET!

You say it's your birthday...

Yep...Today is my birfday...I turn a lot. A LOT! I turn about 15 years older than I feel and a good 20 years older than I act. It's good. You are only as old as you feel...so I have a handle on that. I have no major ailments. No aches or pains that cause me to want to spend most of my waking hours asleep. I am fortunate. I know this.

Yesterday, I spent the day at my parents. My brother's birthday is a week before mine...so we had the "shared party" that we have had since we were wee little ones. The attendees have changed...some have died, some have been added by marriage, but it was still the same. My mom made lasagna. Just like she has every other year. If we could subtract out my sister in law...it would have been a fine time. I won't ruin a birthday blog by talking about her, though!

My mom and I tried to go to the local outlet mall. A trip into Banana Republic and the 35 minute wait to check out had me heading for the hills. My girl Ann's place was similar...although I love her pants...I can wear a size 4 there...but a 1/2 hour wait for 30% off pants was probably worth it...we busted out of Ann Taylor just as fast. There were similar lines everywhere. Who knew? I did check out the new Calvin Klein store. I loves me some Calvin. Calvin was my first pair of size 6. Can you blame me for having a special place in my heart for him?

2 years ago...I was wearing a size 22. I weighed 275 lbs...I was preparing for a surgery that I was half afraid would kill me...funny how much things have changed.

Today...I spent pretty much the way I wanted to...aside from not being in NYC...I got up, got the boys donuts, got them ready for church...got myself ready for a morning walk...walked 3.5 miles jammin out to MY music, took a celebratory birthday nap, and ate cake. Honestly, getting old is ok, as long as you can have cake. Once you take the cake away, you might as well be dead...anyway...yeah...so it was sugar free ice cream cake...but cake was in the title...and it was good!

So...a fond happy birthday to me. Have some cake, in my honor...you deserve it!

too much time on my hands...

Spent the day at my parents...with my sister in law...and my niece...and my dog...and my kids...and not nearly enough medicine.
Going to bed now...when I wake up? It will be my birthday...YAY, me.

almost missed it

Today's post almost wasn't!
We had a thing tonight...it was a banquet for the boys' football teams. It was so nice...as much as I exaggerate that we live in the ghetto, it makes me proud to have my boys growing up with these experiences.
I hope to be able to put into words, exactly what I am feeling...Listening to their coaches, men who have full time jobs, some of whom only share custody of their boys, talking about their teams as if they are made up entirely of their own flesh and blood. These men spend every night from late July until well into October, living and breathing football. Not only teaching them the plays, but teaching them life lessons. For the most part, they lead by example. There is no favoritism, as far as I can tell...and I have 2 sons, one who is a natural athlete, and one not so much...so I know that some kids have to sit the bench...but it's ok. If they are a part of something that they love...it's ok. Their is one coach who cries every year at the banquet. Not because he is a sissy, just the opposite in fact, but because he LOVES these kids. He loves the sport and he loves the sportsmanship. I was a huge skeptic when we first got Big involved in the sport. I mean, he was 7 years old. Did he really need to be playing tackle football? Let alone doing it every night? From late July? But these coaches, they were the perfect amount of tough and strong and caring and nurturing and loving. I would watch the practice and think...this isn't so bad...and Big still loves his first coach! Little was lucky enough to play for him this year. It was truly an honor. For all of us. Big has had the same, sentimental coach for a few years now...and honestly, I couldn't be more thankful for these men.
Little's team won the championship this year...and I can't think of anyone who deserved that trophy more than his coach.
I guess thanks is probably an insignificant word, given all that they have done for my kids...but it is the only word I can think of...

Glamour don't

Why so many on a day that I cannot even go to the bathroom?
You...in the boots...with the too tight suit...yeah. YOU. Could you please wear that tomorrow? I want to make fun of you...but I don't have the time.
Same goes for the girl at the salad bar who seems to need to feed her bum, so it stops eating her pants...oh...you there in the red sweater that I can see your bra thru...don't think I don't see you. I do. I just can't sit still for a second to make fun. But why...if I can see your bra, do you think that no one else can? Why?
There is also the man in the conductor hat, that I just don't understand. Dude. The railroad is MILES from here...what up with that?

Report Card day

Yesterday was report card day 'round these parts. It was also the parent/teacher conference with Big's GATE teacher. (Gate is the new Gifted, apparently.) Anyhoo...I missed the conference, sending C instead. When I got home last night...I got the low down. They were looking at the scores from the PSSA test that he took last Spring. The ones I mentioned here before...the ones that seemed to be pretty much off the charts. Yeah. That was confirmed yesterday by the Gate teacher. Big isn't just borderline smart. He is really fucking smart. No. Those aren't the EXACT words that the teacher used, I improvised. His report card? 9 A's and 1 B. And? The B? Was in MUSIC. Shut the fuck up. Music. (ok...remember the other day when I broke it to Big that he didn't have a career in music ahead of him? Clearly, I was right!!) So. My baby...was clearly switched at birth!
Little also got his report card. He isn't graded on the A system...but rather O is outstanding. NP is normal progress. And S means study harder? Anyway! Little got all NP's...and an NP+ in Art. Gym. AND MUSIC! That he got an NP+ in music makes me worry that he might have been switched at birth as well!!
I joke about them. I call them assholes and fuckers...in the nicest way possible...and not to their faces...but my GOD. I think I could have burst last night. Really. Having two boys who are relatively well behaved, who get along with each other and their peers, and who are doing well in school, is really a blessing that shouldn't be taken for granted. I see a trip to Dave and Buster's in the near future. Those little fuckers deserve it!

reflections of lunch

Why oh why do I always think that Mexican is a good idea?
I have the same thing every single time I go there...and every single time, I get a belly ache.
I always take 2 mints...because they're small...and they're there...for the taking...but the 2 mints fail to off set the upset that is my stomach.
I am sure this will pass...(Aw shit, I crack me up!)

Confession time...again

Ok...we shouldn't have a dog. Go 'head...call the police...the dog police...or dog protective services...or who ever you call...because we? Shouldn't have a dog.
It sounded like a good idea at the time...you know...when Little wanted one for Christmas last year...and neither one of us could come up with a better present...we went for it. Hind sight being what it is...we might have been better off with something LESS needy. I mean, all of the other Christmas junk was thrown away by MLK Day...the dog? Not so much.
Another part of my confession is that the only thing we really like to do with this dog? Is make fun of him. He is pretty lazy. Lazy in the way that almost makes you jealous. Lazy like take two steps and lay down, lazy. He seems to be in a constant state of rest. The only exception to this rule is when there is food to be had. Oh. Sweet Jesus! That is what he saves all of his energy for. He can smell pizza a mile a way. And...he isn't tricked by the old "Throw a bone out the back door and let him go after it..." Hell no. He wants him some ZZA.
Tonight...as I came downstairs, I was passed by the boys...first Big, then Little shooting a pistol at Big, then the dog...I asked what they were doing...and Little said..."We are chasing Seymore Poopoo." See More Poo Poo. OMG! Where does he get this stuff? At any rate, the dog must think they are holding up a pizza delivery guy...and he needs in on it!
We talk to the dog...a lot...like he is human and can answer us. Sometimes, we answer for the dog. When I do it, he sounds a lot like a female Barry White. When C does it, he sounds like Yogi Bear. When Big does it, he sounds French. Little doesn't roll like that. He thinks we're all stupid!
Anyway...we shouldn't have a dog...just to amuse us.

My Eyebrows...

...need a fuckin...pluckin...

OMG! I came up with that earlier today and totally cracked myself up! So much so, that I repeated it to a friend...who doesn't find me amusing. Instead of laughing politely? She looked and said "Oh MY! They sure do!"

Tell me that you get it. Tell me that you see the humor in the fact that FUCKIN and PLUCKIN rhyme. Dude. It isn't funny when I explain it.

a new twist on an old favorite

I just finished breaking the bad news to Big. He has no future as a singer. None. In fact, I predict that he will be asked to play a musical instrument...or take a general music course...before he will be asked to sing in any choir...This comes on the heels of his singing the following...

"She'll have Fun, Fun, Fun, til her daddy takes the TIVO away."

Welcome to 2007...where TIVO is more recognized than T-bird. When I attempted to explain the T-bird reference, it was clear that TIVO made more sense to him...frankly...I get it!

Over/under

Well. If any of you had 3 days...on the whole "how long will she do this before she screws the pooch?" You are a WINNER! Yep. Yesterday...no blog. I have tons of excuses...First, it is hard to blog when you are sleeping...which is what I was doing for most of the morning...then...it is hard to blog when your kids are obsessed with all things webkinz and the computer table is up to its ass in Halloween candy and webkinz. I won't even get into that at this juncture.

Then...it is even harder to blog when you are out getting all tuned up...so. I failed. I am sure I am in good company...but still. I will try to make it up today...by maybe posting twice? How about 3 times? Will that help?



Right now...I would like to take you back to last night, if I could...I'll set the scene. My friend Lori is turning 36. We go out for a few beers. It'll be fun...we go...there are beers...and laughter...and conversations from the boys about shaving their balls. Really? It doesn't even seem to take that much beer to bring those conversations out. Meanwhile...drinking and laughing and all things fun...leads us to the local Eagles club. Admittedly, I have never been to one, after dark. Turns out, those Eagles? Know how to throw it down. There was a band. Ok. A country band...but that brought out all things funny. I LOVE to make fun of people, I mean, that is just what I do...so imagine my delight to discover this whole underworld of people there...that just lent themselves to being made fun of. There was the table of women, who I only hope had just returned from a wedding reception...complete with updos. There was the woman with more mascara/eyeliner, than is legally allowed in this county. There were dresses. And fun...but I think the funniest part of the night, was when I...in my drunken stupor, attempted to buy the first round...only to find out that...they don't take credit cards there at the Eagles. Yeah...so I had $3.79 in my purse. Not quite enough for a round of drinks...even at the Eagles!
We rolled the party over to the local I don't know what. It was about that time that I decided I was long past my bed time...and nothing good was going to come out of the rest of the night. I had to pee...and as I am perched a mile above the toilet...I notice a nice little blurb written on the wall...about someone who has Hep C...apparently...Hep C is the new crabs? I don't know. I washed my hands with antiseptic wipes I had in my purse...I gave some serious consideration to wiping with them...but figured that would sting, just a tad. And, I wasn't certain that antiseptic wipes would help me in the quest to remain Hep C negative.
Not to worry...I got home...had a delightful conversation with my husband...and by delightful, I totally mean NOT DELIGHTFUL in the least. It went something like this....he said something to hurt me, I returned the favor. It was a lovely game of verbal volleyball. Then...just as the clock set itself back an hour...the vomiting began! Yes! Of course, I was the only one up for it! Yes...somehow, he can manage to hear me SNEAK in...but can sleep through our youngest vomiting? Amazing, to say the least. Not to worry, though...even though I had no help from my husband...the dog did his part...Yep. He was more than willing to EAT as much vomit as he could lay his snout on. Fuck the Atkins diet. All you need to lose weight is to over feed your son Halloween candy and Totinos pizza rolls...and let him projectile vomit all over your bathroom...while you struggle with a case of "too much beer..." Add Dog and you have yourself a new diet. How did I know it was Totinos pizza rolls? Oh. Because he said...It sure does smell like pizza rolls! Yep. I couldn't place the smell...but now I can...and can also assure you that we won't be having pizza rolls again.
Anyway...That brings me up to speed for the day...I'll be back to see how you are feeling in a little while!

Day 2

Today was the first WHOLE day I have spent in the same state as my children since Sunday...not that long...but long enough to get used to pooping without interruption...eating food from a menu that doesn't include chicken fingers or french fries...not having to pick up random crap off the floor...wondering what happened to my life? This sooo isn't how I pictured it. Sometimes I joke that the wires got crossed somewhere...and that no way...no how is this supposed to be my life. I should be living in a too small, over priced apt. in NYC...scooting out for cosmos with my girl Ang...giggling over her Stuart Weitzman obsession and my new love for all things Michael Kors...our jobs would be very important...vague, but important. Hers would involve international travel...mine, not so much. There would be no time for pets or children...no time for that...there would be time for Bloomingdales...and fun drinks and serious conversation...there would be men in our lives...of course...but we are more important to them than they are to us...there would be weekends in the Hamptons...

Instead...I wish you could see me right now...sitting in the middle of a dining room, listening to Big sing that damn Feist song...1234...completely off key...(I wonder where he gets it?) and Little yelling about the dog...

I hate the re-entry into my life after a trip away for work...a trip where I don't have to make my bed or pick up my towel or answer to anyone. It usually takes me a little while to get back in the groove. This is no exception. I know that I wouldn't trade my kids for anything...but sometimes when I get a glimpse of what I think I could have LOVED...I get a little sad.

NABLOPOMO

I don't know what it is...but if it means posting a blog everyday for the month of November...then I don't want to miss out!!
So...here is my blog for today!

I am just back from a trip to Boston...where I got to watch the Pats win...if that is even the right word to describe that...and the Sox win the series. Don't ask me if I went to the parade...are you fucking kidding me? 30 people deep all over town? A million people there? No...but thanks.

I am putting the kids to bed and then thinking about od'ing on something stronger than tootsie rolls. Last night? I was sleeping in a big king sized bed...watching CSI NY and scaring myself into a panic attack. Tonight? Making Peanut butter and jelly and explaining why the fucking pencil sharpener isn't ment to be ran UNSUPERVISED. What the hell went on here while I was gone?

I'll investigate and get back to you.